I've been having some family problems lately and last night it all blew up ending with me getting the blame for something that wasn't my fault. Basically, the reason I got blamed was because my mum started crying, therefore meaning my dad immediatly saw her as the victim.

However, that is not the topic of this post. Anyway, my dad was talking to me later, basically blaming the whole fight on me and he said that there was other stuff going on with my mum that I should have picked up on seeing as I'm half way to being a social worker.

Basically the way I understood it he was saying that I missed it and I shouldn't have, and therefore I'm not a good social worker. That really really hurt me and I can't believe he would imply something like that.

I have always kind of been nervous, deep down, that I won't be good at it once I leave uni. I mean, it is kind of hard to tell whether you're good at something like that until you get out of uni and into the workforce, and by then it's a bit late. I don't even go on prac until next year and I'm afraid that I won't be good at it and I'll stuff it up and won't be able to help people.

However up until now I have told myself that I need to persevere in this course and that it will all work out for the best. Now however, to hear from someone else that they don't think I will make it just confirms my deepest fears. Consequently I'm feeling really unmotivated - I just keep thinking what is the point of doing any assignments etc if I'm going to be rubbish at this job anyway.

honestly, that was a really shitty thing of your dad to say. it was kind of a "kick him when he's down" insult.

All i can tell you is, don't get down on yourself. I am sure your dad was speaking out of anger, don't you sometimes say things you don't mean. And, are you sure you didn't misunderstand what he was saying? Perhaps your own self-confidence issues are being reflected more, and you are reading too much into it.

Also, in my experience, 99% of what you learn for your job comes when you are AT your job, gaining experience and working side by side with those who have been doing it for a while. School may be preparing you, but the hands-on experience will teach you what you NEED to know.

Also, a lot of people tend to put "blinders" on with their own family. just because you did not see it with your mom does not mean you will not see it with others. Also, you have to keep in mind that whatever is going on wioth your mom, she may have been trying really hard to hide it.

I know exactly where you are coming from. My dad always sides with my mom, even when he has no idea what we are discussing. My parents have always hidden things like medical conditions from me. They say they don't want me to worry.

You are not going to be rubbish at it. you want to help people, and you CAN do it and you will be great at it. Hey, if i listened to people every time they said I couldn't do something, I'd be sitting on a couch somewhere with no life and dreams. You seem to have a passion for it, and don't let an unkind word from 1 person make you throw it all away.

Well I think it's different with family (the things you see, the things you choose not to see), you were talking to your mom as a parent and not as a "case" or a "patient". Besides you're not out of school yet, you still have time. If you enjoy what you're doing, keep at it - it's normal to be nervous at first, in ANY type of new job. That dissipates in time :)

i know it hurts when parents say mean things to us. and your father was not very nice indeed -.-
but dont give up. if you want to help ppl, you will help them. and i am sure that you will do it well. if someone says "you are bad", dont get nervous and give it up. you have your own dreams and if you believe in your dreams and fights for them, you will be successful.

best wishes, nadine

I too have a lot of problems at home. A fair bit different then what you are going through with your mom and dad, but I still know how hard it is to live with the circumstances... It's hard I know... And it must be hard to be hearing such negative feedback to soemthing that will be an important part of your life. I've never had support from my dad, in whatever I have done in my life, and it has always been something difficult to look through, but I figure it is not worth the upset. The best thing I ave learned in life is that you can't possibly please everyone, no matter what you do. That's the hard part. What is pleasing one may not please another...Just remember that. I think it is great that you are becoming a social worker...But also remember that while you are not getting support for that right now, remember why you chose the career. Because you wanted to help people. Don't let your dad make that something less than what it should be...although since he said there was something going on with your mom, he is probably just upset and doesn't mean to blame things on you... I hope everything works out!!
Alana

Thanks for your thoughts and comments everyone, but it is simply not as easy as not letting it get to me. Almost every day when I try to do my work I tell myself that, but seeing as almost every day I have another fight with my mother I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. It used to be that everything I did was wrong according to her, but now everything I say is wrong is well. Consequently I can barely speak to her anymore without her jumping down my throat. The thing is, every time we fight I’m reminded of the ‘talk’ dad had with me and what he said, I don’t think I will ever forget that. Even if it was said in anger the fact that it was said in the first place does not make things any easier for me. Therefore I tell myself I’ll be fine, that I will do well in my future profession etc and then two seconds later I have a fight with my mother and I’m back at square one trying to contend not only with the common things she makes me feel – pathetic and worthless, but also with the fact that I might not be good at my job.

Pathetic and worthless I can handle as they’ve been there for most of my life, however I don’t think I could handle it if I didn’t make it as a social worker. This is something I want more than anything, to prove to myself that I do have the strength, compassion and courage to help others. However, all though I feel that way I really don’t feel any motivation to do any of the work I need to do right now.

Also, continually fighting with my mother doesn’t help my concentration. I am a writer and consequently very emotional and feel things very deeply and I find it next to impossible to concentrate after something like that has happened.

I agree with you LadyJoe that he was right out of line to say what he did. I also admit to the possibility of a misunderstanding but I find it unlikely. He said many things that were out of line during that ‘talk’. He explicitly told me that whenever my mother is rude to me or deliberately picks a fight or makes something so much worse than it is I am not allowed to retaliate. He reckons that I have to just stand there and listen to her insult and berate me and I’m supposed to just take all that and then act as though nothing has happened. Otherwise, according to him, this family is going to fall apart. So, does he mean that because I feel I have a right to stick up for myself I am tearing the family apart?

I’d love to know why he finds it all a problem now all of a sudden. It’s not as if my mother and I have ever got along. I was looking through my old diary I had when I was younger and I found a vow that I made when I was twelve. I wrote it out like ‘I solemnly swear’ etc really formally and I think I stuck to it mostly. What I would like to know is what kind of twelve-year-old feels the need to vow to never cry in front of their mother so that they won’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how much she’s hurt them?!!