Hello everyone,

As some of you may know that my g/f and I gave up a child for adoption when we were in college. When I made the desicion to do this, I also made the decision that it would be her to make contact with me. I just didn't feel right coming back into her at my will. Well, just this past week, a couple from New Orleans can to the Inn for vacation. We started talking about New Orleans and everything and if I was married and I told them I would be getting married in Oct and that we had a 7 y/o little girl. Well, the mother told me that they just adopted their third and I felt sick. As a proud mother does, she pulled out pics of her children and started showing them. I saw a picture of their first adopted child. She is beautiful girl, who was born in 1986 in New Orleans and looks just like my g/f from college. I said nothing about me giving up a child because the moment was not right. I had to many emotions running through me.

The couple had a wonderful time and they called to make reservsations and wanted to know if they culd have a room that would be large enough for their family. I said yes and booked them into that room.

My question is should I let fate play out or should I inform them of my concerns. I want so much to see this child but only on her terms.. I could not handle it being her and knowing that I could not tell her.

I know that I will get the right answer here. My respect for your opinions runs deep.

Mark

Here is the original thread that I started hoping that she was an Evanescence fan.
http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=13824

Wouldn't it be confusing for the child to know you?
IMO, this can cause her (your daughter) a lot of problems and unanswered questions!I can feel your desire to see her but this may ruin her concept about her family,her world.
But does she knows she is adopted?
If yes that changes things a little but still I would suggest not tell her who you are!In fact, I suggest don't even try to see her cause this will cause problems to you,seeing the child you gave up growing with a different family!
I know that deep inside you there is a struggle between right and desire but before you choose what to do (after all is your choice,no matter what people will say) think what's best for the kid!
Take care and I hope you make the right choice!

No one knows her better than her parents do. Maybe you should contact them and see what they think. You never know. Maybe they told her that she was adopted and maybe she does want to meet her 'real parents'

I do have a question... This decision that was made to have her contact you.. was that a 'you' decision or is it written on paper.

First of all, this is quite a heart-wrenching decision you have here. I admire that you are putting your child's feeling first in this matter.

Since the mother is stating that she is adopting her third child, I would imagine all the children know they are adopted. This girl would be about 19 right now. That is old enough for her to make decisions about her life.

The odds of this being your daughter are slim, but fate works in mysterious ways. And, fate can only take you so far. The next move is up to you. If it is your daughter, you may not get this chance again.

I would discuss your concerns with the parents before they come. Tell them, you realize it is out of the ordinary, and such a rare coincidence, but that you think she may be your daughter. A simple check of the facts could give you the answers you need. If after your conversation, you still believe it is your daughter, ask them if she has any desire to know her birth parents. If she does not, perhaps suggest that even though they are wonderful people, it would be too hard for you to see her there and not tell her, and perhaps it would be best if they vacationed elsewhere. tell them you have no desire to interfere in their lives, and if she ever does want to know where her father is, they have your information.

If she does have a desire to meet her birth parents, then this is your chance.

So, the best thing to do is talk to the parents and find out more. It cannot hurt to call them.

Finally, if this is your daughter, and she has no desire to contact you, you can rest knowing that she is being raised in a loving home with loving parents and a family. I am sure you have thought about her every day for the past 19 years, and this is weighing heavily upon you. May this all turn out the way you hope.

If after this experience, you still have a desire to find out about your daughter, you can always hire a PI. You do not have to contact her, but rather, just use the information to put your mind at ease.

Thank you all for your answers. Her happiness is what I want more than anything. I agree that, since it is their 3rd adoptive child, that she may be aware that she is adopted. But does she want to see me? That is the question. I want to see her so bad, and I can't handle the hurt over the past years any longer, but it must be at her will.

I am affaid that if I call then they will not come. Just a climpse of her is all I want. Just to see her smile, her eyes, her hair and to hear her breathe would give me all the strength until I die.

My question would be, why do you even think this child could be yours? I don't know your back story, but did you live in New Orleans?

Wait for them to come and visit before approaching them with this. In the mean time, I do not know if the adoption laws in Louisiana allow for a natural parent to learn the identity of the adoptive parents, but if you can then see if it's them before you ever talk to them. That's the fastest way to deal with it, if you have the ability to look it up. If not, then while they are there ask them if they know the identity of the natural parents. They may not be willing to share the answers but asking first if they know the identities etc. is a somewhat disarming way to find more information out without just approaching them directly and may cause them to not feel uncomfortable (especially if you're wrong in your guess and it's not yours).

Mark, I'm really worried that you're setting yourself up for a big heartbreak. The odds are, although I can understand your thinking, that this girl is not your child. There is a chance, but I think you need to take a step back and go through the proper channels of contacting your daughter. I know you said you wanted it to be her choice, but from what I understand of the contacting a child you gave up process is that you just tell the agency that it's ok for them to contact you so that in case they do try the agency knows they can give out your information.

From the way you are talking...saying you only want to see HER, meaning this couple's daughter, that you have already convinced yourself she is the baby you gave up...and that could end up really hurting you in the long run. I'm not trying to smash your dreams. I just don't want you to set yourself up for a BIG fall.

I understand that you feel that this girl could conceivably be your daughter, but the sheer odds against it are humongous. While it could be her (right place, right time), it could very well not be.

More than anything, though, this incident tells you how desperately you want to meet your real daughter. It tells you that you need to find a way to seek her out. Was it put into writing that you wouldn't seek out your daughter? If not, you may want to discuss the situation with her parents (adoptive parents) without her around. Start by casually asking them if they would be receptive to a birth parent contacting one of their children. If they say no, I would let it rest, at least while they're at the Inn. But if they say yes, I'd vocalize my concern that I might be their daughter's father. It might really help the girl heal emotionally to know that she has a loving, caring father out there who was just totally unprepared to be a father when she came along.

In all likelihood, the girl has been informed she's adopted, for two reasons. The first reason: her parents told a complete stranger that they had just adopted their third child, thus telling a complete stranger their first daughter was adopted. The second reason: if all the other children are adopted, why would the girl think she was any different?

At any rate, this is a sticky situation. I have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through, Mark. This is not an easy thing. You'll be in my prayers.

I lived in South Louisiana and she gave birth at a New Orleans hospital and the baby was adopted at birth that day. I held her for a moment and she was taken away.

Thank you all for your posts. I will call and confirm their reservation and when I have one of them on the phone, I will show how let them know that I gave a child up in New Orleans around the same time that they adopted her, and that the baby was a girl. I am not sure how I will say it but I will figure out a way.

The bond with an infant is so wonderful. The smell of their beath, the gentle tug of their small fingers making a small hand as it wraps around your pinky.

Putting my hopes in check is my task tonight. I pray that she is and that she wants to see me.

Mark

I'd like to make a suggestion...

Perhaps, don't say anything while your confirming. I think it would be best to bring it up casually while they are there. That way they won't freak out and not come. I think you should just mention that your daughter would be the same age as theirs, but not let on that you are hopeful she IS your daughter. Make it like you're just making conversation and see where they take it. Maybe mention that you hope she would want to get to know you.

Whoa... Okay, I simalar situation to this just came up around a week ago... That I'm still a little surprised by:

My friend's mother had a child when she was 17, and was forced to give her up for adoption. When her daughter was 5, she wanted to know who her parents where. But, the adoption agency wouldn't open the records untill she was 18... She turned 18 recently, found her birth mother, and, she leaves town today... If she knows that she is adopted, I would be surprised if she didn't want to know who her parents where! But, I would talk to her parents first, definently...

And, does your daughter know that she has a sister? If not, I would tell her if you have any plans to try to meet your other daughter.

I think the big thing here is that if you don't say anything before or while they are at the Inn, and you decide to meet her later through proper identification, the adopted parents might see you as weird if they remember you. They might possibly even become hostile.

So, if you do this, I agree with some of the others to try and find out who the adopted parents are.

If it is your daughter, it will be awesome... if she wants to meet you too.

I think the big thing here is that if you don't say anything before or while they are at the Inn, and you decide to meet her later through proper identification, the adopted parents might see you as weird if they remember you. They might possibly even become hostile.

I seriously doubt that would happen. Him not saying anything to them while they are there and then seeing her through the proper channels implies (1) he didn't know (yes, he has suspitions but he doesn't know) and/or (2) he was trying to go about it the right way and they just happened to have run into each other before by chance.

I doubt, unless they are complete nuts, that they will be mad or hostile about it. They are probably like most people and would think it was a coincidence.

What if they got to talking again and you know he just eased up on the conversation about when each was adopted ect. Then he could tell parts of his story like how he gave up a child at birth, ect.

Oh and BTW: I read that thread a while back, and im still very serious about waht i said. It drove me to tears, and i am only 15 (14 at the time i read it)

I don't want to give false hope or anything, but life works out in odd ways sometimes. Like you hear stories about people who run into each other out of nowhere, and they find out they're related and get to know each other. I think you should be open and honest with the parents of this girl, and tell them your story. If you don't take this opportunity NOW, it will probably be on your mind for the rest of your life. If it's not her, then you will be disappointed, but at least you won't be wondering "What if that was her?" and wishing you had done something.

And if it is her, I think she would want to meet you. If I were in that position, I KNOW I would. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you choose!