Okay basically, I'll try my best to make this clear, I'm no good with words.

My best friend, Anj came to me AGES go and told me how she gets beaten up at home and made me swear not to tell anybody. I went and told the year co-ordinator, but Anj said she'd "fallen over". The funny thing is Anj's Mum is a social worker with my Mum, you'd think her Mum might be bothered no? Anj makes up crap about how it's cultural and stuff.

But yeah, recently she went to a party and told her parents she was somewhere else. So her parents found out, and her Dad started ringing all her friends at like 8.30am, and people covered for her. But then she rang my friend Rosie and started properly shouting at her down the phone, like really SHOUTING. He's horrible. He then pulled his fist to some people when they were at Anj's, and people are scared to go to her house.

She has been off school for a week since she got caught for lying, and she would have been beaten beyond belief. I don't know what to do, should I tell anyone or do anything? I could quite easily get my Mum to send somebody round to check it all out, but I don't want Anj to get angry at me. I know you're all probably thinking "what a should question, obviously you tell somebody" but last time I did that Anj didn't talk to me for MONTHS and she's moving to America in a month and I don't want to waste that time with her. I'm so worried about her. :(

Her father sounds extremely unstable and dangerous. My advice is to tell someone. He could injure her permanently, or worse.
I understand you don't want her upset with you before she moves but consider the worst case scenario here. He could kill her. He could beat her within an inch of her life.
Somethings are more sacred than a few more weeks of fun with someone. Her life could be at stake. The authorities need to be involved. Talk to someone you trust before its too late for Anj.

I know you don't want to tell anyone because you don't want to risk your friendship, but I do honestly think you need to tell someone, mainly the police. It's not a problem that can be overlooked. It has to be addressed as soon as possible. It's child abuse. I'm not sure where you are from, but I would think they'd have a law against it there.

Risking your friendship is just something you have to take. It's not a matter of keeping a friendship alive at this point. The more important thing is keeping your friend safe. She'll thank you later in life, when she has time to think about everything. I think she refuses to talk to you is because she's not comfortable with it being in the open. She thinks it's her problem and she can deal with it on her own, which is not the way to go. That's how I interpret her ignoring you when you told someone.

Your friend's father is dangerous, if he's beating other people up. He's something called a menace to society.

Do tell someone of authority though. Don't let this problem go, or it could become worse.

Cultural violence is very common, but that doesn't make it right. However, it does make it harder to get out of. Anj was probably raised with the mindset that women or children deserve to be beaten when they do wrong, and while I have no objection to a sound spanking, I think your friend is probably a little old for that, and beating is a totally different thing from spanking anyway.

I would definitely talk to your mom. She's a social worker, and she's probably the best resource you can possibly have in an uncomfortable situation like this one. The social worker who goes can even say that it's just because a teacher said something seemed suspicious, like a teacher saw bruises or whatever. Then your friend doesn't have to know you told, if that's what you're worried about. If you can't talk to your mom, talk to someone else you trust.

Yes, I know it's hard, but I would DEFINITELY tell someone before your friend gets beaten even more...or worse, dies. This is a very serious situation that needs immediate attention. So tell somebody...before it's too late.

<3 Mary

That's really terrible :(

I agree with what's been said here. I think that it's imperative that you talk to your mother about this.

Her father sounds like a terrible, unstable man. If he flies off the handle like that, he may go too far. No kind of abuse, whether it's cultural or not, can be condoned, in my opinion. It sounds like he really hurts her, too.

When you talk to your mother, talk to her about how your friend would react. If your mom is a social worker, she probably has come across some kind of abuse cases before. You two can decide on how to go about stepping in.

Also, even though your friend may be upset at you for getting help for her, she can't stay angry at you forever. She'll see, down the line, that you had her best interests at heart. You could try talking to her, saying that you don't want to stand by and watch as her father hurts your best friend. Let her know how much you care about her and how scared you are about her. Make sure she knows that you'll always be there for her. She really will thank you for it later on.

Good luck with everything, hun.

I know your friend made you promise not to tell anyone about this, but her life is at stake. So, like it was said up there, you're going to have to put your friendship at risk. But telling someone, like the police, will be worth it in the end. If I was in your shoes, I'd risk my friendship with someone in order to keep her safe, rather than keep my mouth shut and see her get beat up and worse, possibly killed by her father. Good luck with everything.

I think you know the right thing to do.

Get outside help but risk your friendship?

Or keep this within the secret circle and allow more damage?

Hopefully, ya picked the first one. In the end, she'll thank you for it, if it goes well.

What needs to be done is probably beyond your abilities- you need professionals- people who's job it is to handle these type of things. =x Lets start with police. This is outta control.

(And i think lying was the last thing she really needed, while she's beaten at home)

She might be upset with you at first if you tell someone, but after she gets the help she needs, she'll probably be thankful. You've tried telling someone before, which is admirable, but its time to tell someone again, because by not telling anyone you'll help it happen again. No one deserves to get beat up, and if you have to risk her getting angry at you in order to get her out of a dangerous situation, I think you know that its worth it. It'll be the hardest thing you've ever done but its for the best.

chances are that the reason Anj doesn't want you to say anything is because she's frightened. she's been living in fear of this man who harms her constantly and maliciously, and she's more than likely frightened of what he might do to her if he found out she'd told anyone else. it's a very common feeling for those being victimized by others.

something needs to be done to stop this, however, and i'm sure that somewhere inside of her, Anj will be able to understand that it is in her best interests for others to be aware of her situation. this is not to say that there won't be some difficulty along the way, but things like this are never easy. however, with your support and the support of others, that alone will make it at least a bit easier for your friend to make it through all of this.

my best wishes to you, and to Anj as well.

It's always hard to make these types of decisions but i think you definitely need to get your mom invovled.

Yes, she might and probably will be upset with you in the beginning, but trust me, she'll be forever greatful when she's free of the abuse.

There's no acceptable violence, in my eyes.

PM me if ya need anything or just want to rant about the situation. I'm a very good listener and i can try to give you any good advice i have.

I have to agree with what has been written by the others. I would rather risk my friendship than let this carry on. I know she asked you not to tell anyone, but what's going to happen when she gets to the States. She will have no one there that she can chat to. Can't you do an anonymous call? That way she would not find out it was you, but will get the help she needs. I can imagine how frightened she is of her Dad, the one person a girl relies on (besides a Mom).


I hope things work out for you and Anj, will be thinking of you.

In Peace, Love & Light,
Lou

I think you definatly need to tell your mother. That way it's not as if you've gone and told 'everyone' but on the other hand, you have told someone with the ability to help her. Generally (although you'll probably already know this seeing as it's your mothers profession) social workers are not compelled to tell the family where the allegations have come from. In fact, generally they are not allowed to in order to protect the informant's privacy. They just say something about 'an allegation has been made that....'

You do need to tell someone. No matter what culture your friend comes from, there is no way that anyone is allowed to beat her. I understand that you may lose her friendship over it, but ask yourself this - would your rather lose her friendship or her life? Friendship can be mended and she will eventually come to realise that you did all of this for her, because you care about her so much. If at first she refuses to speak to you, give her some space. Don't beg etc, just make it clear to her that you understand how she feels but that you will be there whenever she needs you.

anonymous tip to whatever government agency is in charge of protecting children in your area. The police if you can't figure it out. Telling your mom will lead to your mom talking to her mom and her mom talking to her dad. Complete that thought.

If the authorities get a tip they'll never know with of the 100 people that may have given the tip gave it and if there is a problem it will be sorted out. You cannot sit by and do nothing. Imagine if things go 'too far' and she's seriously hurt. If that happens you'll be partially to blame for not doing everything you could to correct a bad situation.

Actually I disagree with that sith sense. Her mother has the ability to send someone else around to deal with the case. She is already involved so it would be better that she stays out of it but informs a collegue.

Also, anonymous tips are all well and good but what if whoever acts upon it finds nothing? Usually they would then come and speak to the informant to find out exactly what prompted the allegation. If they don't know who the informant is what can they do except keep an eye on the family? If resources there are like they are over here they will already be stretched beyond their limit and often there are not enough workers to simply 'keep an eye' on a family. We all hear stories of people who fall through the cracks because the system can't cope with the volume of work. I believe that she should give her friend the best possible chance of getting help.

Yes I agree by telling your mother, your anonimity is still protected but you will also have your mothers support. You will undoubtedly have ambivalent feelings, even guilt, but you must realize that she is being isolated by her father, forced to live a secret. This is the syndrome of the abused, they are told and come to believe that more harm than good will come from telling, and in a sense this isolation is also part of the abuse. He obviously is so filled with anger that he is holding up his fists to people outside of the family, and harassing her friends--people are becoming scared of him. You may be saving her life by telling. Your mother is a professional, and they will know how to handle it.

If there is a real problem it will come to the surface when investigated. What I'm trying to avoid is these people who are friends trying to handle it 'internally' when things sound out of control. I'm sure that you can put in a tip where your identity is protected until the investigation results in legal action, like a lawsuit.

I'm sure a lot of people have already said this, but oh well. I say you tell someone. Even though Anj might be angry with you, because in the end, I hope, she'll be thankful, and really appreciate what you did for her. No one deserves to be beaten like that.

If her mother hasn't said anything about it to your mum, it could either mean she knows but doesn't really care (depending on how close the family are) or that she is too scared to tell anyone, or even that your friends father is forcing your friend into telling her mum that she is getting hurt at school, or she had an accident. Anj might be pissed off at first,but she'll come to realise that what you did was for the best, and I agree with most other people that you should tell your mother about what is happening before this goes too far.

Some parents rule by fear and the only way around it is to get a handle on it and try and control it. In order to get this under control, someone must take that first step. It may have to be you because of the fear that is in her.

Call the protective services or the police.

Don't let a person become a victim if you know about the danger.

You have to tell sum1, you sed she is leaving in a month which means you will be kicking yourself if you dont, because then she will probly suffer longer an u wont be able to do alot about it cuz she will be in america. trust me she will eventually thank u for probly changing her life :)

EDIT: I'm letting this post through, but I remind you that AIM-speak is not approved on the board. Please use proper English in the future. ~Katya

Her father sounds extremely unstable and dangerous. My advice is to tell someone. He could injure her permanently, or worse.
I understand you don't want her upset with you before she moves but consider the worst case scenario here. He could kill her. He could beat her within an inch of her life.
Somethings are more sacred than a few more weeks of fun with someone. Her life could be at stake. The authorities need to be involved. Talk to someone you trust before its too late for Anj.
I agree with everything she said, you have to tell someone.

I hope everything goes well and Anj is safe.

I know this is probably a rough situation, but it really comes down to this:

Would you prefer her to be mad at you or be beaten to death?

Right now I think she really needs outside help. There's not much she can do for herself at this point without getting beaten further and further into oblivion, so to speak. Her ability to reason and speak up for herself have been robbed of her in this situation, so you have to be that reason and voice for her. Even if she told you to tell no one, you have to look out for her well-being as a friend. I think you would want her to do the same for you in this situation.

She could be killed if you don't tell someone soon. Someday her father might just lose it.
Here are the choices you have.

Have her hate you and be alive.
or
Have her love you and be dead.

Hope you and your friend make it through this situation.

<3 Rose
xoxoxo

Moved from 'Is this the right choice?' thread. ~Katya

If I were you I would tell someone because, if your friend gets really hurt then there is no chance for friendship in the future but, If you tell someone that can help your friend, your friend will get over you telling and realize that you did the right thing. So even if he mad at you before she moves you and your friend will know deep down inside that you did the right thing. Good luck I hope that helps. If you need anyone to talk to you can pm me anytime.

You really gotta tell someone. Although shes going to be angry at first she will remember you for it one day. Then again you could get the social worker to do it on the discreet side like suggested earlier..

I hope all works out
xx

I understand it is really hard for you to betray your trust and friendship, but you HAVE TO NO DOUBT talk to outside help. She may swear to never be your friend, and may say she will never speak to you, but that's tough love. It is a rough deciscion. Talk to outside help, there is plenty of shelters and places out there. But don't just take her out, or let anyone else without outside help. That could make matters worst. Call the police or something. She may be angry and extremely hateful towards you for a little while, she might not, but once she realizes what happened and that none of it was her fault, she will want to talk to you, and will most likely thank you in someway or another. I know, because I felt the same way when I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for several years. She may think that you are not a good friend by telling..... But, she will eventually see that you were being a better friend by getting her help. You can tell someone and know that your friend is safe and will never be hurt again, or you can not, and worry about her forever.

I know you will do the right thing. You sound like a really good person by coming here for advice. Atleast you took step one.... now try another step. They will only get easier the more you feel at ease with the idea of her being safe and that her dad can never touch her again.

Christy

hey there,
omg i feel so sorry for you friend and yourself, as you really don't know what to do about this problem..like everyone else has said you really need to tell someone, your friend will understand later and will be very thankful for it.

Also you may need to offer your friend a place where she can escape the horrible thing that is called her father. I know that she is leaving in a month, but isn't there a way that maybe you could arrange for her to stay with you through her mum or something. It may not be possible but your friend needs to know that there is somewhere and something that can let her escape for the horrible reality that is her home. Everyone has the right to feel safe with their family and safe inside their home and obvisiouly your friend doesn't feel any of those. Your friend also needs to know that you are there for her and that she can trust you, but you can't keep this one a secret, there are some things that are better to be talked about then be kept a secret and this is one of them.

I hope everything turns out alright for you and your friend and if you ever need to talk to someone about this problem to sort through it a bit more, just remember i am only and e-mail away. my e-mail address is gurlz_rock_4_eva@hotmail.com. So e-mail me anytime about anything.

Everyone should stand against abuse, it is wrong and should never happen to anyone no matter how bad or horrible they are.

Kids in Crisis (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/5400/abuse.html)This is a website with a load of information for you to help your friend. She is scared of her father so she will always make an excuse for her bruises and stuff. I was guessing by your profile that you are in the UK. There are numbers for you to call, and I believe ways to contact by the internet. Please get your friend help before it's too late. You may be her only saving grace.

Karen