So my friend did a stupid thing. She had lots of sex with a screw buddy--without a condom. Surprise!--she's pregnant.

But the issues involved I'm not sure how to deal with. For one, she told the guy that she was on birth control and could not get pregnant. Wrong but oh well. For those of you that will ask, she wants to adopt (she will never get an abortion she is pro-life), which is ok because she has never planned on being a mom ever and I don't want her to resent a child for that.

The thing I have the biggest problem with is that she plans on not telling the father. I'd really like to talk her out of it. But how? I truly believe he needs to know.

Any ideas would be really useful.

Yes. I agree with you. It was wrong of her to tell him that she was on birth control...even though it's not 100% fool-proof. But why would she tell him that if she didn't want to be a mom?

I think she should tell him what's going on. If she tells him and he agrees to help, then it would make it easier on her. If she tells him and he doesn't want to be part of the child's life, she would still have gotten what she wanted which is for him to not be part of the child's life. Either way, I still believe the father has a right to know. HOW to go about convincing her to tell him?...That I'm not sure of. I'd have to think that over. But you know my opinion. He has a right to know and he should.

EDIT: How to go about convincing her to tell him...

Maybe by just sitting her down and making her realize that it would be easier for her if he was involved.

EDIT2: Unless, of course, I overlooked the fact that perhaps he's not fit to be involved in the child's life. But judging by your post, it seems like you think he should know so I'm guessing he's "fit".

Well from a legal point of view if she does not tell the father and does put the baby up for adoption it could cause problems for the adoptive parents later. Theoretically if he wants to take them to court and get custody he could because he was not told. Morally it is also wrong but thats something she needs to understand for herself. As for the saying she was on birth control been there done that have the son to prove it. So I can honestly say from experience it only makes matters worse to not tell him. He does have rights as the father. If you like some more advice on how to help her pm me I will be glad to help.
Missy

He has a right to know about the child to be's existance. He should be apart of the adoption process. It can get awful complicated though, especially if family members get involved. For example, his parents decide they want to adopt the baby or pressure him to keep the child.
The situation involving my step-daughter is very similar. She was a screw buddy, then Cary met me and all that stopped. However, the mom failed to tell us she was pregnant. She claims she was going to give her up for adoption and we'd never be the wiser. As the story goes her sister convinced her to keep the baby and tell Cary because they figured since we had only been married a month he'd dump me and get with her to raise the child. WTF?
Yeah, marriage is just so unsacred he married me and would dump me because he had a kid with someone he slept with before we got together. Yep, I would marry a guy with that sort of comittment to our union, surely.*sarcasticly glares*. He actually offered to divorce me because he was worried it would mess up my life. I told him although I was shocked at first and still grieving the loss of our own baby that I miscarried right after we got married I wanted him to be the best daddy he could to his daughter.
The mother is a bitch and had other ideas about my presence in his life. LMAO. Once she figured out I was going nowhere she used the baby as a pawn.
The truth be told my poor step-daughter would have been much better off being given up to a parent or parents who could have given her a real family.
We see her when the mom needs money or wants to spy on us to see how much more money she can get at the next support hearing increase.What a great life for that little girl, huh.To make matters worse there is no bond between her and my husband because you just cannot bond with someone you are allowed to see once a year. He has seen this kid less than 10 times in her entire life. She's 11.She's desperately jealous of her sisters and has issues with me STEALING her father away.Anyway there are alot of other circumstances surrounding the reasons why things are the way they are I don't care to go into right now.
Even after all this I still think a father should know about the child.
Damn, if these stories arent evidence enough that fuck buddies are a baaaaaaaaaaaad idea I don't know what is:eek: !!!

without a doubt, keeping this from the father of the child will only cause things to become even more difficult.

your friend needs to tell the father. if she doesn't want to tell him because she's afraid of how he might react, then perhaps you could sit and talk with her. explain to her that as the father of the child, he has a right to know. he may not like it, but he still needs to know. getting involved may not feel completely comfortable, but at least you'd be helping her get through this. you're doing the right thing, so far. by being concerned and seeking help for her, you're showing her that you're willing to be there for her. maybe your next step could be offering her moral support through this, and giving her a shoulder to lean on. these things aren't easy to go through alone.

my best regards to you and your friend. i hope things begin looking up soon.

I have a feeling she is going to depend a lot on me. We've been close for about 5 years now, and it was a little over a year ago that the tables were turned and I told her I was pregnant (my spawn, as I fondly call her, is healthy and beautiful and perfect).

I do have a few ideas, but I think I'll wait awhile. I just found out and I'm sure she's not that far along, so I have 9 months to talk to her about all of this.

I wouldn't say another lie is a good thing BUT if it will convince her, I think I might see if she will tell him and just say that the "birth control" did not work. I'm thinking that would make things easier for her to tell him.

As with adoption, I did have a great idea. She comes from a big loving family. Her little brother, in fact was adopted. Her parents wanted the little boy even though they knew that his condition would rack up medical bills. I remember her saying in the last year or two that her parents were talking about adopting again. Her parents are a loving, good Christian family and could definately take care of their grandchild/adopted daughter. Since my friend is talking about moving down south anyway, she wouldn't have to feel like she is taking care of the child. In fact I had a similar thing happen in my family, my cousin Jenni was raised by her grandmother and had no idea who her "sister" actually was until recently. I think it would work out. Of course, I'm hoping that eventually my friend will want to play a more important part in her child's life (she is good with kids, she has just never wanted any of her own).

Wow, how strange. I think if she wants to keep it a secret, that's up to her, but...if the child is his, he DOES have a right to know. How would you feel if 20 years down the road, some person shows up at your door claiming they were yours? It would severely fuck with your mind. It's still her decision, but as far as what to do with the child once it's born, why not give the father an option? It certainly appears to be a torn subject with me, but I think the deciding factor is that she lied about birth control. THAT is where her mistake was made. That is the grounds where she has to come forward and let this guy know that she is going to have his child. I know I would at least give him the option to raise his own baby, watch it grow up, rather than never know. There's my bit, it may not have made sense, but I tried, lol. I'm off to sleep now, good luck with your convincing process.

I do have a few ideas, but I think I'll wait awhile. I just found out and I'm sure she's not that far along, so I have 9 months to talk to her about all of this.That's true, but you should discourage her from waiting until the last minute to tell the father. Yes, the woman carries the baby, but the father has a genetic relationship with the child that almost REQUIRES that he be told about it.

I wouldn't say another lie is a good thing BUT if it will convince her, I think I might see if she will tell him and just say that the "birth control" did not work. I'm thinking that would make things easier for her to tell him.I didn't realize it was a lie. But it seems like a perfectly reasonable lie.

As with adoption, I did have a great idea. She comes from a big loving family. Her little brother, in fact was adopted. Her parents wanted the little boy even though they knew that his condition would rack up medical bills. I remember her saying in the last year or two that her parents were talking about adopting again. Her parents are a loving, good Christian family and could definately take care of their grandchild/adopted daughter. Since my friend is talking about moving down south anyway, she wouldn't have to feel like she is taking care of the child. In fact I had a similar thing happen in my family, my cousin Jenni was raised by her grandmother and had no idea who her "sister" actually was until recently. I think it would work out. Of course, I'm hoping that eventually my friend will want to play a more important part in her child's life (she is good with kids, she has just never wanted any of her own).That's good and all, but like I said, the father of this unborn child needs to know he has a baby on the way. If he finds out after the girl's parents (or anybody else) have adopted the baby, there could be serious trouble and he would have the legal right to take it away. Better to be straight up on the front end.

And yes, screw buddies are a horrible idea. People don't think about the very real consequences of sex in the moment, and having sex with somebody you have no commitment to (except maybe as a friend) can only result in misunderstandings, heartbreak, or confusion about what to do with a resulting child. It's not worth it, if you think about it.

I hope everything works out for your friend. Keep us posted on whether she winds up telling the guy, if her parents decide to adopt, etc.

<3 Mary

wow, your friend has a big problem indeed... you're right, the boy has the right to know that he is the father of a child. you should tell her that a baby needs a lot of care and time. it will be hard for her to be the only person that will look after a baby. and maybe the boy wants a baby and wants to help her. two ppl are quite better than only one. i'm just 14 but i can imagine that it is VERY, VERY hard and VERY stressful for a single-parent. for friend should think about it. talk to her. hope you can convince her.

good luck

P.S. how old is your friend?

The thing I have the biggest problem with is that she plans on not telling the father. I'd really like to talk her out of it. But how? I truly believe he needs to know.
It's important for this 'screw buddy' to know his responsibilities for his baby. Definitely remind your friend that she needs to remind him to plan his future, his job prospects, and his time towards and around caring for his son / daughter.

Best wishes.

I didn't realize it was a lie. But it seems like a perfectly reasonable lie.

The lie was that she had originally told him that she was on birth control. Which was a lie.

And yes, screw buddies are a horrible idea. People don't think about the very real consequences of sex in the moment, and having sex with somebody you have no commitment to (except maybe as a friend) can only result in misunderstandings, heartbreak, or confusion about what to do with a resulting child. It's not worth it, if you think about it.

Agreed.

it will be hard for her to be the only person that will look after a baby. and maybe the boy wants a baby and wants to help her. two ppl are quite better than only one. i'm just 14 but i can imagine that it is VERY, VERY hard and VERY stressful for a single-parent. for friend should think about it. talk to her. hope you can convince her.

good luck

P.S. how old is your friend?

She is going to put the baby up for adoption, so she won't have to worry about being a single mom. My friend is 19. Other than not being prepared financially, she is quite capable of taking care of a child, she just has no desire to.

Oh yeah: I didn't mention this before, but one thing that complicates this problem is that the father does not speak a lot of english. I think he's from Europe.

I have a question. How you can say she never planned on being a mother, but yet she had all this unprotected sex knowingly. That makes not even the slightest amount of sense. That's them ost ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Did you mean she was going to adopt, or she planned on putting this child up for adoption? And if she sees this guy ever again, don't you think he might inquire as to why she never mentioned that she was pregnant? He deserves to know. She is the one to blame for this, not him. Especially if she is not going to keep the child...maybe he would like to?

WOW, this hits home. Some of you may remember when I posted a thread about girls who were born in 1986 in New Orleans and were put up for adoption. This new thread has brought me back to the first day I learned that (she) was pregnant. I will never forget that day, as will he. I stood up and wanted to keep my child but after many sleepless nights, I found out that she wanted to give our child up for adoption.

He must be told. It is not only his right but it is his duty to do what is right for him and the child. If THEY decide to give their child up then it is a decision that THEY will have to live with. I do each and everyday.

It is only fair that she tells him. What harm will it do? If she wants to put the baby up for adoption, then she will have more say so than him.

If he wants to adopt the child then that is a decision that she will have to face. That would difficult, for her later in life, but it is an option if he insists to keep the child.

There are many people out there who would love to have a child, let him know that and together both of you could still make a family. It would just be someone else's family.

Seems as if I agree with a lot of the other people here.... the father definetely needs to be told. After all, if she is sure that he is the only one who could be the father, she should tell him.... perhaps you could find someone who you trust to translate, if he doesn't speak good english. But, don't wait till the latter part of the pregnancy for this to happen. If they are both responsible adults, they can make the decision of the baby's future together....But, really, abortion isn't the answer (as stated in the first response), there are always people out there willing to adopt.

Oh yeah--- fuck buddies are a bad idea, we've all seen the many things that can happen as a result of "having" one

Semi-update

I hung out with my friend about 2 weeks after my last post. They are using protection now, but he does think that she was on the shot before they used condoms. Here's the big thing: she did NOT know for sure if she was pregnant but was waiting to see if she had her period of or not. When I get my new phone I have to call her to see for sure if there is a baby or not.

IF she is pregnant there is some good news: she is really starting to like this guy and if there weren't so many other things going on she might go out with him.

One thing that bothered me when I was talking to her was that she has been pregnant before. :eek: :eek: :eek: It happened after she moved away from me. But she miscarried. I had no idea, but since I heard that I'm trying to be more in touch with my friends so that I won't miss out on so much of their lives.

I called her and SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!! Thanks for all your advice guys, it would have been a big help if I had needed it. :D