Disclaimer: Before you read it, I'll warn you that it's a bit long. And I wrote it last week. I just haven't had the courage to post it. Some of the members have already read it though, and encouraged me to post it.

Social anxiety disorder. What is it? It's a psychological disorder that causes a fear of social situations. It's a lot different than being shy. Having SAD means you think you're going to embarrass yourself in public.

And I have it. I have been diagnosed with it. However, I haven't done anything to fight it off yet. Some of you know that, if you've talked to me a lot outside of EvBoard.

Let me give you some background on what it's like for me thus far.

I'm currently in school right now, in my second year of college, and it's been really hard. I'm awful at making friends. The friends I do make, I push away out of fear and rejection. I'm always paranoid about what others think of me (I know I shouldn't, and I don't care, but it's there and it's hard to deal with). I can't concentrate in any of my classes. I can't ever talk to people; they have to make conversation with me. And when they do make conversation with me, I freak out and never find anything worthwhile to say. I can't do anything in public, mainly talk in front of a lot of people. I had a panic attack once during my last year of high school because I had to do something in front of people.

I think what got me thinking about this was Tuesday (Sept 6th). You see, I started school that day. And in one of my classes, I was forced to talk in front of a class of about 30 people, and they all stared at me. And I couldn't find anything to say. I started shaking and my brain just stopped working so I said something useless and felt like complete shit afterwards because all I could ever think about was what they thought of me. Also, I was going home later that day after work, and my mom called me. And made everyone stare at me too, because the bus was so quiet. And I just... felt awkward. And I felt like everyone was thinking all these awful thoughts about me... maybe that's when I realized what it is doing to me.

My mother thinks it's just a phase in my head. It was stated to her that I have it by my doctor, but she's in denial mode. That doesn't come as a surprise to me or some of the other people who know what it's like for me living in my house, where I get emotionally abused. However, she thinks it's just me being shy. And I can guarantee you it's not. Being shy is completely different than having SAD. Plus, I don't really want to have to sneak around her back to get myself some therapy, because if she finds out, I'll just get more emotionally hurt. I can't talk to her either about this, or my other disorder (depression) because she'll turn it into a joke and tell me I can get rid of it if I stop thinking about it. However, my depression is another story, one I'm not really willing to get into at the moment. I know that I'm 19 and my mother doesn't really have any control over me anymore because I'm an adult. I shouldn't have to sneak around to help myself, but I do. She'll try to make me stop doing therapy and everything. And that's something that bothers me. Because I know she'd never go through with it. And if I did find some therapy for myself, she'd make me feel like I'm not good enough. She always finds a way to make me feel like I'm not...

I believe SAD is interfering with my daily life and it makes me anxious in public places. Sometimes, depending on the place, even paranoid. I can't talk in front of people, I avoid eye contact when I do talk to people I don't know very well. I also can't eat out in front of others. If I am forced to, I freak out and I won't eat a bite. I'll merely pick at my food and end up having to bring a majority of it home. I go to the mall and if I go alone, I feel like everyone is talking about me, and I feel shitty.

At work, I can barely talk to anyone without feeling anxious. My job requires contact with the public, and talking to people I don't know really doesn't bother me as much as it did. However, I can't talk to people and make conversation with them. I tend to forget words and I get so nervous I can't talk properly. My boss is aware of my disorder, but he hasn't really done much. He can't. I have to talk to people in order to do my job properly. I've done pretty good thus far with it though. But still, I feel like people judge me and I occasionally think they're out there to embarrass me.

I think my problem goes beyond Social Anxiety Disorder, and that I might have some underlying problem/disorder. I don't know what it is, however, and I don't want to diagnose myself. I know only a professional can. Even if I could diagnose myself, I wouldn't know what to call it. It may be some effect that my depression has on me, or whatever. But I can't be too sure, and I don't want to think this is something it isn't.

I really don't know what I'm looking for in this thread. Maybe some advice or some realization that it's not my fault that I have this even though my mother thinks it is. Even the feeling of knowing that I'm not alone in having this disorder. And if you've read this far, I thank you. I didn't intend for this to be so long at all.

It takes a lot to come forward and talk about what's going on inside of ourselves sometimes, so you defintely deserve some credit.

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, depression, obsessive complusive disorder and bulima nervosa all at the same time about 5 years ago. I used to get beyond terrified of what I thought people were thinking about me or how they saw me. I was completely embarrassed in every single social situation I was in, be it school or work, and especially at home.

The people in my family are very kind and warm, and most likely the least judgemental bunch you'll meet. My step family on the other hand...

I used to try so hard to be loved by them and to fit in and have them accept me, but no matter how hard I'd try they'd still treat me like the step child. They'd criticize everything about me. My voice, my posture, the way I held my fork.. they'd say I was too fat so I'd loose weight, then they'd say I was skinny and ugly. I did chores for them and they would say they weren't done well enough, then I'd go out of my way to do extra things for them and they yelled at me for trying to show them up.

After a while of this, I came to the realization that no matter what I did or who I was for them, they didn't want me and I would always be trash and baggage in their eyes.

It's easy for someone to tell you to forget about what other people think, but having SAD can make you feel as though you're living in this perpetual state of despair sometimes... or all the time.. and the kind words from people who really care about your well being and happiness are overshadowed by these overwhelming insecurities bestowed upon us by other's, or conjured up by our own minds.

I always felt like someone was watching me, and judging me, just waiting for my inevitable failure in every aspect of anything I attempted.

I wasn't allowed to see my own family because of some ridiculous on going feud, my mom ran away when I was 10, my dad worked two jobs to pay off the astronomical debt my step mother ran up (which we still find hard to believe since we had absolutely nothing whatsoever to show for it) so he was never there, and I have no brothers or sisters or anyone who knew what I was going through.

They took me to a psychiatrist and diagnosed me with all of these verbose and euphemistic labels that were merely placed upon me because of what others had done. In other words, I was a mess because people treated me like shit. They make it sound as though your the person that something's wrong with, but you are how you are and who you are because of the hurtful ways people are with you.

It got better though. Much better.

My step mother used to vent her workday frsutrations out on me, and a few times she took it a little too far. She'd grab me me by the wrists so tightly they'd trun black and green from bruising. Then after a while she started to slap me. Then she threw me against the wall...and I had had it.

I fought back. And that was a scary thing to do, cause this was one battleship of a woman to be messing with. But when my body slammed against that wall, it knocked whatever sense of respect I had for her right from me. I threw my hands behind my back, leaned over and screamed until my face turned purple, 1 inch away from her face. Then I told her every single thing I felt about her..."How dare you. Who do you think you are to stand there and make me feel worthless? It sure takes a really courageous person to beat and pick on a 14 year old kid, doesn't it? You and your entire pretentious 'holier than thou' family are damned lucky to even know my family. You don't deserve me, and you sure as hell don't deserve my dad"...only with a lot more profanity.

My dad came running up from the basement (where he lived when he wasn't at work) after all that cause when he heard me do that big scream he was freaked the police were going to show up or something.

It wasn't until 3 years after that they got divorced. Turned out she stole all my college money and apparently thousands form my dad as well.

What a nice person. Way to give a good name to step mom's. Our lives are so much better now though. I'm not doing what I want to be at the moment , since according to my plan was for me to be in my second year of university, working towards my teaching degree and I'm making minimum wage in a factory since I had no money to start college with... but no more step family. My dad moved 1500 miles away, but I moved in with long time friends and I can see my family again anytime I'd like, and I really feel loved and wanted. I feel like my existence matters again, and I've got lots of time to save for college still. I'm still young.

Anyways, the second I hit the wall was when I finally realized the only person who's thought's and views of myself were worth caring about were that of my own. I'm not saying completely discard what anyone else tell's you, but always be true to yourself (forgive the cliche there) and live life like there's no one watching, and trying to please people really isn't making anyone truly happy. And again, easy to say, hard to live by. Just take things as they come, and start off slow.

And you know what else? The more people I meet, the more I realize how many people feel like this, and have this chronic fear of embarrassment and despair. A lot of people are so worried about themselves, they really aren't taking the time to stand and stare at you.

Most of us are pretty self absorbed, negatively or positively, just to different degrees. I just try and lose myself in things, or other people. Having a passion for something makes life a lot easier to live, whether it be writing or drawing or painting or making music and especially volunteer work.

That way you meet so many people with problems just like, or far FAR worse than your own, and in understanding them and their lives, you forget about those fears and really start to lose that part of yourself.

I don't know. I'm not the best advice giver in the world, but I hope that telling you what I went though and what helped me, might help you a bit. And you're never alone. There are so many people that feel like this and are willing to lend an ear and a shoulder anytime.

always here, always listening,

becky

Hey Broken rebel!
I read through all that you've written and I felt like you were talking about me. Well almost. My big problem is talking to people. I'm always very silent, because I somehow never find the right thing to say. My biggest issue is, like you also mentioned, what other people think about me or what they're talking about me behind my back. Even if I keep telling myself that I don't have to care, because it's my life, I wouldn't stop bothering about it.
There are people that I fear more and some that I fear less. I'm usually afraid of people, who unlike me, always find the right thing to say, who make everybody laugh.... To have a conversation, it's often alright for me if I'm alone with someone. But if there are more people, even three people that I'm getting on very well if I see them alone, I'm sort of blocked. Unlike other people, who speak before even thinking about what they're saying, I think about what to say first and then I rethink about it and most often realise that it was stupid, or if not, the moment that I should have said it already passed.
Of course, my biggest fear is standing in front of a lot of people and having them all staring at me and waiting for me to say something meaningful. I always try to avoid such situations as best as I can. But I'm missing a lot of opporunities and that's what makes me even more unselfconfident. It's bizare, cause I know that I'm not stupid and that I have something to say...
Well, I understand you very well. But I don't understand myself, because I wish so bad to be just like everybody else. To be free. Not to care about the others. I just don't know how to do it. I'm not sure if I really have a social anxiety disorder, if I'm avoidant or if I'm just very very shy. I don't really understand where the borderline between very shy and social anxiety disorder is.
I hope it makes you feel a little better, knowing that you're not alone and that there are people understanding you. Because it does for me. I never met someone quite as shy as I am...
Sorry for my english ; )
Wish you all the best, Sandy

broken_rebel; IMHO, it seems as though you're emotionally detached and withdrawn due to your family's emotional abuse. That's not particularly surprising, and I can certainly relate to that feeling.

I would advise you to go through therapy and put your foot down with your mother. Your wellbeing is far more important than her guilt-trip tactics, and quite frankly, if she's not willing to even accept that you're an adult and you want to seek help for herself, she needs a good reality check. If she does try and stop you from undertaking therapy, tell her that she is the main cause of you being this way, and if she wants you to be better, then she shouldn't interfere in affairs that she's ignorant about.

We are reunited, broken_rebel. It has been too long!

It's my opinion that your behavior can be traced back to how you were raised. I was reading an anxiety book not too long ago, and in one of the sections it stated that your upbringing can be one of the causes of these disorders; the anxious responses of overly protective parents often bleeds into the minds of the young. In your case, it seems as if you grew up constantly afraid to upset your mother--so it's no surprise that your fear of rejection branched out to encompass everyone else.

Another thing I read was a method of coping with thoughts of "They're all thinking about me!" It said to list all the things people could be thinking about besides you. A follow-up suggestion was to consider everything you think of on a day-to-day basis besides the person next to you. You'll see that people really do have more important things on their minds.

You recognize that the stranglehold your mother seems to have on your life isn't permissible, especially given your age. Why are you unable to leave that situation? You're old enough to be self-sustaining. Moving out on your own may not be a very attractive option for a number of reasons, perhaps chiefly because you're in school. But it seems like at this point you're in a sort of emotional bondage situation; your mother likely isn't going to change without professional intervention (i.e. therapy, which she doesn't seem keen on anyway), so it's pretty much up to you to gnaw the ropes off.

Do you have a license? You mentioned taking the bus, so I'm inclined to think you don't. If not, why don't you? That would be an important step in liberating yourself; then again, if you lack a vehicle that isn't much of an antidote.

Even without your own transportation, though, I still don't understand why you need your mother to get you the help you need. You can pay for your own prescription--it'll be expensive without insurance, but if you have it the cost will be minimal. There are also programs available to help mitigate the medical expenses for the uninsured, so that could be an option as well. Regardless of these factors, the bottom line is that you're capable enough to seek a remedy for your condition with or without your mother's approval.

I don't foresee anything changing in your life until you either remove yourself from that environment, or decide to loosen yourself from the noose and help yourself, mother's thoughts be damned. If I were to quote Dr. Phil, I'd say, "That jail you're in is a self-locking one; it doesn't unlock from the outside. Only you can free yourself." /wise

First of all, I'm really proud of you posting this. I know you weren't sure about it but I'm sure it can only help you in some way.

Sadly for now the only way you could get professional help would be behind your mother's back. Knowing a little how is it for you I doubt it could work any other way. Far from being the best way to get it, but I don't think there's any other way for now :(

I really wish I could help you more but I can't do much from here :( Knowing you both online and in person I can say that you are a really nice person and I can only wish you the best.

*hearts you much*
Eric

though i havent been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, i have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder,

i have a very hard time talking to people i dont know, well even people i do know and i also have to wait for them to start the conversation and sometimes when they do i just want them to stop talking to me because i dont know what to say back to them

every single time i have to do public speaking i also start to shake more then useual, i feel really flushed and hot, i start to get teary and dizzy

also as long as i can remember, my hands are always shaking which is weird cause its been there all through my school years which is most probably why my writing is so messy

another thing that makes me freak out is confrontation if someone starts yelling around me or at me and i want to say something i start to shake all over (i think i know why this is i used to be hit by both my father and my eldest brother)

i stutter sometimes too, and when i do i feel like everyone is going to make fun of me which makes me stutter more (today at the hair dresser i was stuttering for the first time in about 5 months and i hated it)

i dont know if this will help or not, but i hope it makes you feel better knowing your not alone in this scary world, after reading your post i had to respond, because i feel the exact same thing all the time and i know how aweful it is

To answer some of your questions and concerns...

My mother is very controlling and she will do everything in her willpower to stop me. If I had been younger, say, a minor, her denying me the treatment I need would be illegal. However, I am not a minor anymore. I do realize that I need therapy and I am planning to get it sometime within the next couple of months. I would have to do it behind my mother's back, and I do have a way to. I just need to find the courage in me to do so. I do have other means of getting to where I need to go, but I'm just... scared, I guess.

I do have insurance; I am on my mother's insurance and it does cover mental health type stuff. I am thinking about going to one of my teachers in school and see if she is willing to help me. But when it comes down to it, I'm really freaked out to do so. The reason I am so scared to do it is because I don't know what she will think of me, and everything, considering I've only had her two weeks. I don't want to make a bad impression, I suppose. Even though that's probably not the case, it is what my mind tells me and it scares me to think this way.

I am aware that the emotional abuse I have gone/am still going through has some contribution to my SAD issues. As a child, my mother isolated me from the world and from my father because she wanted me to have nothing to do with them.

I have been trying to find somewhere else to live, other than here, because it only makes me more irritable and even more unhappier. Even if it is with a friend or whatever, anything would be better than here. And if I can't, I'll just have to find a way to help myself. I am looking into it; however it will take a great deal of encouragement from other people (mainly friends) and find strength within myself to actually go through with it.

Also, as an edit, I realize that not everyone who sees me thinks awful things about me. I am fully aware of that. However, it's just my brain telling me they do, and that they're out there to embarrass me. I know people have many other things to think about than a girl they see once in a while or whatever. It's a mindset, and it's bothersome to think like this. I'm working on not thinking this way, but it's hard. When all you've known is rejection, in a way...

And thank you to everyone who has responded and/or PMed me about this. I appreciate it a lot. <3

I realize that not everyone who sees me thinks awful things about me. I am fully aware of that. However, it's just my brain telling me they do, and that they're out there to embarrass me.

I have exactly the same problems you described in your first post, and of course from talking to you online, you know that about me already.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything (my family tends to believe mental illnesses make you a freak, or an abnormal person, so my mother's opinion of me is holding me back, really. Even though I know my father was bipolar, and mom's dealt with mentally ill people before, it just scares me to think she'll think less of me if I end up having SAD or bipolar disorder (or both, which is what I suspect I might have)...).

I just want to say I'm extremely proud of you for actually going through with this and posting, as I know how hard it was for you. I'd have posted something about this issue myself, if I had the guts to. I'm just too afraid of negative replies I guess (yes, even on a messageboard. You should see how many times I reread this post, to make sure I don't sound like a complete moron). Or I'm afraid of saying something dumb or senseless and having people laugh at my crappy English. Or both.

I also know full well that people don't think bad things about me, and that they won't laugh at me if I say something wrong, or if I stutter, but for some reason my mind will just keep telling me they'll do something horrible. Over and over it tells me this, and after thinking the same thing so many times, you start to believe it's the truth. That people really are out to judge you, and embarrass you.

I've never been able to talk to people in real life, and it basically terrifies me when I try to do it. I force myself most of the time, and what happens then is I start to stutter, avoid eye contact with people, I sweat, blush, shake uncontrollably, and I speak as softly as possible. People tend to think I'm a snob when I don't talk to them, and so they avoid me and start disliking me, for what they see as "snobbyness" or me thinking I'm a better person than they are. Which of course only makes things worse, making me believe people just don't like me at all, or even want to be around me. I like to lock myself in my house all day, just so I don't have to go out there and deal with people. People literally terrify me. Moreso in large groups. Speaking to large groups is impossible for me. I shut down completely. Or pass out. Depends.

My family used to find it "cute" that I was so "shy" and quiet, and that I'd hide behind people's backs just to not have to talk to others. I still do that by the way. :o But with time, I've come to realize this thing I have, whatever it is, goes far beyond shyness. I'm going to see a psychiatrist and get a diagnose of some kind, even if I'm hoplessly afraid of people and telephones. I'll have someone call and make an appointment for me, because if I try myself, I'll probably just end up crying like a baby on the phone and hanging up before I've even said a word. :rolleyes:

Fallon, I wish I could somehow reach out and help you get your treatment, seriously, if I could, I would. I agree with Ghetto Fabalus's advice, you really need to get out of your environment, and do this for yourself. You know your mother won't help you in any way, and you know how she feels about mental illnesses. Going behind her back to get the treatment you need seems like the only thing you can do for now, and you'll have to be strong, and do it alone. I <3333 you muchly. *humps*

Hi hun. I'm glad that you decided to post this. And I'm glad that some other members replied with their own stories and opinions. You've taken so many big steps, and I'm really proud of you. Remember, there are loads of people who care about you. *hugs* I hope things will get better.
XxAmyxX

wow. i never knew the disorder was so intense. my best budd, essi, has it. she's extremely quiet. i never understood exactly why she was afraid to eat in front of people. i know she has been diagnosed with s.a.d. but i never knew the intensity of the disorder. it really saddens me to see her this way. she also changes mood really quickly, but then again shes done that all her life. i dont know if that can be partly tagged on from the disorder (meaning i dont know if it can be part of the disorder). she told me some stuff about her disorder and what it is like to her. it really sucks. i feel bad for her cuz she's cool ya know? but shes been like that probably since she was born. she was worse when she was younger. she wouldnt even show her face. now she will but only sometimes. and shes in 7th grade. idk about you guys...but 7th grade was the worse grade in the history of my school years. i was bullied, made fun of, geez it was horrible. and people yell across the lunchroom, 'are you anorexic, jessica?' and sometimes they'll confront her and ask her that. she cant respond. shes afraid to. shes afraid of what everybody thinks.

i dont erally have advice, since i dont have it at all. but i know somebody who has it. so i guess i was just saying a story - again.

so again..i learned something by this thread! im learning a lot today..
-ann lynn

I have a very close friend who has really bad SA. He's one of the sweetest people I know. I've met him on the internet by chance and we eventually met up in real (it's the only net-person i've ever met in real life) and we even ended up dating for awhile. Before I met him I have never even heard of the illness, so it was all very new to me.

Because he had severe social anxiety (in its worst form) he couldn't finish school, couldn't even leave his house (at all), had no friends, spent his time drinking at home and became very ill because of that (he was only 22 when we met). The anxiety is a bit connected with your background. My friend's panic attacks started at school where he was bullied and got worse as his parents divorced (there were also many other factors).

At first I thought he was just depressed and a bit lonely and i couldn't understand that it's a real illness. I used to get mad if he didn't pick up the phone (which he never did) or i couldn't imagine how even the slightest joke got him so upset that he thought i hated him (when it was so obvious i had a crush on him). He could be REALLY nasty and horrible to me (for no reason) just because he thought that i didn't like him.

Anyways, I won't bore you with details - but it took A LOT for us to become friends. The most heartbreaking part of it was that he was a really lovely, smart and sweet guy!!! Even after we became a "couple" he was still absolutely convinced that i hated him and kept breaking up with me because he thought id do it first.

But.. even if people don't have social anxiety they can understand if u just give them a little time. This guy is one of my best friends now, i absolutely adore him. Try not to think that because people don't go through the same they could never understand or be friends with you.

Btw social anxiety can (and will) get better over the years. This friend of mine is a lot better now and can even go for a drink to a pub (which was absolutely unthinkable 2 years ago). So it will all get better!!

I realise I've rambled on and written a blooming essay when you asked for simple advice - hope I haven't made ppl angry.

Good, good luck to you :) xx

It's great that people post these things here if I'ts hard to tell about them in real life to someone. Like it is for me.

Now, I haven't been diagnosed anything and I doubt I have SAD, but believe me, life isn't easy for me either.

Many of you have posted that your family may be the source of your problems. My family is always been very supportive and never judged me for my decisions, so that's not the problem. I was bullied in school for 7 years.

I've always been a little shy, but social contacts were never really a problem for me. But when the bullying started in 2nd grade, things took turn to the worse. Back the it wasn't that serious, but it got a lot worse.

In 3rd grade we had a inquiry in our class about bullying, and who is the most bullied person everyone know. 28 of 32 classmates said it was me. But was it any good? No. None of the teachers did nothing to help me. They always said that it's just a phase, it will stop when you get a bit older.

This continued all the way to 9th grade. After that I went to senior high, and things changed. It was a real heaven because no-one would try to hurt me in any way. But the damage had been done. The years of bullying had convinced me that there's something really wrong in me.

Now 4 years after the bullying stopped, I've started to accept myself as I am, though it still isn't easy. Especially talking to girls my age is hard for me. Everytime I talk to a girl, it may start well, but somewhere in the back of my head I start to feel ugly and unwanted. So I can't really be myself in front of a girl, which means I've never been in a relationship with anyone. It's silly, I know that there isn't really anything wrong with me, but I can't help it.

Also, talking in front of a class or other group of people is almost impossible. Though I've always been able to do my presentations, it has been very hard. I felt nervous weeks before the presentations and the night before was usually pretty much sleepless.

Despite everything I've told you, I always put on a smiley-face, so no-one really knows how I feel. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's my way of handling it.

PS. I'm sorry that this really wasn't about SAD, but I hadn't the courage of starting my own topic.

I was never diagnosed with it, but I believe that I had the same problem for a long time.

Much like the poster above me, I was bullied in school incessantly for seven years. I had few friends and rarely hung out with them.

When I was in college in PA, even though I was there, I felt like the loneliest person on the face of the earth. After I transferred out, I didn't hang out with anybody outside of my family for over two years.

I went to school, came home and that was the end of it. For two years.

There's a point where you get tired of that though and I couldn't take it. I had to do something.

Join a club of something you're interested in. Incidentally, that's how I started to get rid of it. I found out that there was a radio station at my school...wasn't functioning, but that's besides the point. The point was that I found people that shared a common interest and I cracked bits and pieces of the two year shell that was growing on me.

If you're old enough, find a job and find a co-worker that you share the same interests with.

Needless to say that the only way you're ever going to beat it is by getting involved more, wherever you are. The only ways you're going to fight your fear is to face the fear head on and be aggressive about it.

Find people that are compatible with you. Find people that aren'tcompatible with you. It doesn't happen overnight by any means. Eventually, you'll overcome it but you've got to keep at it.

I still have a touch of the anxiety, but it's not nearly as bad as it was three years ago.

First off, I'm so glad you had the courage to post this! Writing about mental health--and especially something like SAD--is so difficult, and it's awesome that you took the step out and did it.

It sounds like you're in an incredibly difficult situation. Not only do you have to deal with college, with all the academic and social stress that that brings, but you have to do it with SAD and what sounds like a less-than-supportive mother. I, too, had an emotionally abusive mother. At least for me, going to college and even moving out didn't break the ties or leave me less vulnerable to it. Someone who hurts you like that will do it when you're 5 or 45, in her house or not, right or wrong, no matter what. So my first question is, is there any way you can limit your contact with your mom? I know this is difficult, and I'm not sure whether live at home or on campus. Maybe if can lessen that stressor, it'll give you more energy to work on your health and taking care of yourself.

If you hear nothing else from me, hear this: Your disorder is real. This is real. Having SAD is not the same thing as being shy. I know that you know this, but sometimes it's good to have someone else believe you and validate it. It isn't in your head, or something you'll just "grow out of." If anything, it'll get worse with time. I know my mom made a lot of jokes about my mental health and about me in general, and I'm so sorry you have to go through that...I know it hurts. It is in NO WAY your fault. None at all. Take care of YOU, and never ever give up on that. Never give up on getting better, because it can and will happen. I know it's going to be hard to find a therapist and get help, but I know that you can do it. Your school may have some resources or something where you can get connected with someone. Since you're over 18, they're legally bound not to discuss your medical care with her.

Just know that you're not alone, and PM me if you ever want to talk or blow off some steam or anything. I may not understand everything, but I care. Good luck.

First off, I'm so glad you had the courage to post this! Writing about mental health--and especially something like SAD--is so difficult, and it's awesome that you took the step out and did it. Thank you. It did take a bit of persuasion from friends to post it.

It sounds like you're in an incredibly difficult situation. Not only do you have to deal with college, with all the academic and social stress that that brings, but you have to do it with SAD and what sounds like a less-than-supportive mother. I, too, had an emotionally abusive mother. At least for me, going to college and even moving out didn't break the ties or leave me less vulnerable to it. Someone who hurts you like that will do it when you're 5 or 45, in her house or not, right or wrong, no matter what. So my first question is, is there any way you can limit your contact with your mom? I know this is difficult, and I'm not sure whether live at home or on campus. Maybe if can lessen that stressor, it'll give you more energy to work on your health and taking care of yourself. I live at home. I go to a community college, and I won't be transferring until most likely sometime next year. I'd love to limit my contact with my mother, because all she's doing is making my mental health so much more worse. But it's hard for me to do so due to lack of willingness from my friends, and money issues.

If you hear nothing else from me, hear this: Your disorder is real. This is real. Having SAD is not the same thing as being shy. I know that you know this, but sometimes it's good to have someone else believe you and validate it. It isn't in your head, or something you'll just "grow out of." If anything, it'll get worse with time. I know my mom made a lot of jokes about my mental health and about me in general, and I'm so sorry you have to go through that...I know it hurts. It is in NO WAY your fault. None at all. Take care of YOU, and never ever give up on that. Never give up on getting better, because it can and will happen. I know it's going to be hard to find a therapist and get help, but I know that you can do it. Your school may have some resources or something where you can get connected with someone. Since you're over 18, they're legally bound not to discuss your medical care with her. I am aware that my disorder is very real. My mother, however, thinks it's just something in my head. Something that I can just... stop thinking about and it'll go away just like that. It's how my family treats mental illnesses. Most of them, anyway...

I am in counseling in school. My mother doesn't know about it, nor do I want her to know about it. However, because I'm under my mother's insurance, if I was to go to a real therapist for my mental issues, she'd find out in some way. My counselor said she will find out eventually if I did so. But we're going to see if we can change that somehow hopefully. I also do know that because I am over the age of 18, they cannot discuss anything with her. But she's eventually going to know that I'm undergoing treatment for something, against her wishes.

It has gotten better since I last posted. It hasn't fully improved, but because I interact with the kids in my classes mostly everyday now, it's gotten to the point where I can handle it. Except when I have to talk to them. I still won't participate in class discussions at all. The only time I get really anxious is when I'm walking by myself around campus or when I have to speak in front of people.

Just know that you're not alone, and PM me if you ever want to talk or blow off some steam or anything. I may not understand everything, but I care. Good luck. Thank you for the support. It's appreciated muchly. :)