My Attemps..... - Page 3 - EvBoard

moonlightinplatinum · 09-23-2006, 01:29 PM

I think that you might have some interesting results if you wrote without trying to rhyme constantly. It's very freeing to let go of your rhyme scheme, which sometimes forces you to use words you don't want to to fit into it. Try to use more descriptive words because in some of these the feeling is there, you just have to elaborate on it to make someone understand. Keep going!

Cruehead · 09-25-2006, 02:33 PM

^thanks for the advice, I will try it.

Anything,Anywhere

I'd do anything to be with you
I'd run anywhere to be with you

We can fly away
No more lies to hold us back

I'd do anything to be with you
I'd run anywhere to be with you

Wipe away your tears
Baby I'm still yours

Love, I'd do anything to be with you
I'd run anywhere to be with you

Just one more chance I take your hand and ask
Will you marry me?

ChocolateFiend · 09-25-2006, 04:41 PM

I thought 'Hold On' was absolutely beautiful. It really sounds like the work of pro. The words are so meaningful and deep.

Cruehead · 09-30-2006, 10:33 AM

Here is a poem I wrote when I was 13

Take My Life

I no longer want to breathe
after everything you said to me

Falling on my knees, I pray
I cry out, Won't you take my life?

I no longer want to breathe
after everything you have done to me

Six Feet

When you're six feet under ground
Don't expect me to shed a tear

I'll wash away the stains you left
break free from these chains
and never say your name again

When you're six feet under ground
Don't expect me to shed a tear

I'll drown away your words
I am so much better than that
I deserve so much better than you

And when you're six feet under ground
Don't expect me to shed a tear

Won't you take my life?
Won't you stop the suffering?

09-23-2006, 01:29 PM	#21 (permalink)
moonlightinplatinum Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Michigan Age: 21 Posts: 101 Points: 250.00 Bank: 659.84 Total Points: 909.84 Donate	I think that you might have some interesting results if you wrote without trying to rhyme constantly. It's very freeing to let go of your rhyme scheme, which sometimes forces you to use words you don't want to to fit into it. Try to use more descriptive words because in some of these the feeling is there, you just have to elaborate on it to make someone understand. Keep going! __________________ dying is an art, like everything else -sylvia plath

09-25-2006, 02:33 PM	#22 (permalink)
Cruehead Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Ohio Age: 17 Posts: 37 Points: 581.32 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 581.32 Donate	^thanks for the advice, I will try it. Anything,Anywhere I'd do anything to be with you I'd run anywhere to be with you We can fly away No more lies to hold us back I'd do anything to be with you I'd run anywhere to be with you Wipe away your tears Baby I'm still yours Love, I'd do anything to be with you I'd run anywhere to be with you Just one more chance I take your hand and ask Will you marry me? __________________ Good enough I feel good enough for you

09-30-2006, 10:33 AM	#24 (permalink)
Cruehead Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Ohio Age: 17 Posts: 37 Points: 581.32 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 581.32 Donate	Here is a poem I wrote when I was 13 Take My Life I no longer want to breathe after everything you said to me Falling on my knees, I pray I cry out, Won't you take my life? I no longer want to breathe after everything you have done to me Six Feet When you're six feet under ground Don't expect me to shed a tear I'll wash away the stains you left break free from these chains and never say your name again When you're six feet under ground Don't expect me to shed a tear I'll drown away your words I am so much better than that I deserve so much better than you And when you're six feet under ground Don't expect me to shed a tear Won't you take my life? Won't you stop the suffering? __________________ Good enough I feel good enough for you Last edited by Cruehead : 09-30-2006 at 07:49 PM.

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09-25-2006, 04:41 PM	#23 (permalink)
ChocolateFiend Formerly Ice Blue Fire Join Date: Jun 2005 Age: 18 Posts: 1,214 Points: 2,287.84 Bank: 30,338.88 Total Points: 32,626.72 Donate	I thought 'Hold On' was absolutely beautiful. It really sounds like the work of pro. The words are so meaningful and deep.

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