My Poem - EvBoard

VirgoLuna · 02-23-2006, 08:47 PM

She

She wanders aimlessly around
Always looking towards the ground
Although some may wonder why
She keeps her secrets locked inside
Most know the pain that she hides
As they look into her eyes
Sorrow of the passing day
Debts that her soul soon must pay
Her mind a twisting turning road
Filled with secrets kept, not told
Forever imprisoned inside herself
She trust in she and no one else
Her presence there will always be
Longing still to at last be free

silent_whisper · 02-24-2006, 12:31 AM

I like it sounds reallly good

Caligari_87 · 02-24-2006, 01:30 AM

I especially like this one. The rhymes are simple, and the rhythm good. The only problem I have (and it's a small one) is the line "She trust in she and no one else". It sounds grammatically incorrect, and might sound a bit better as "She trusts in her and no one else". But, that's a really small thing, and it doens't break the poem at all. Very good!

VirgoLuna · 02-26-2006, 01:24 AM

thanx, this one's like the first one I ever wrote. I'll put another up soon...

Jazz,
U know u love me

Violette · 02-27-2006, 08:52 AM

Oooh, nice one! I like the story it tells. And a part of me can relate to it, too... wandering through life, just trying to find your place in the world. I agree with Caligari_87 on the little grammatical change, too. Maybe something like "She trusts herself and no one else"? But it's up to you. You are the writer here, so you should be the one to decide what changes should be made.

Keep it up!

Beleg · 02-27-2006, 05:25 PM

wow, is beautiful ^^, and...about the grammatical...me english is bad

-Javy

P.D. pardon my english ^^

02-23-2006, 08:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
VirgoLuna n00blet Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 7th Crater, The Moon Posts: 8 Points: 617.72 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 617.72 Donate	My Poem She She wanders aimlessly around Always looking towards the ground Although some may wonder why She keeps her secrets locked inside Most know the pain that she hides As they look into her eyes Sorrow of the passing day Debts that her soul soon must pay Her mind a twisting turning road Filled with secrets kept, not told Forever imprisoned inside herself She trust in she and no one else Her presence there will always be Longing still to at last be free

02-24-2006, 12:31 AM	#2 (permalink)
silent_whisper Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Somewhere over the yellow brick road. :D Age: 18 Posts: 54 Points: 193.06 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 193.06 Donate	I like it sounds reallly good __________________ Evanescence concert!!!! October 7th

02-24-2006, 01:30 AM	#3 (permalink)
Caligari_87 Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Do you want to know? No, do you REALLY want to know? You don't. Age: 21 Posts: 115 Points: 755.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 755.00 Donate	I especially like this one. The rhymes are simple, and the rhythm good. The only problem I have (and it's a small one) is the line "She trust in she and no one else". It sounds grammatically incorrect, and might sound a bit better as "She trusts* in her and no one else". But, that's a really small thing, and it doens't break the poem at all. Very good! __________________ Roses are* #FF0000 / Violets are #0000FF All my base / Are belong to you

02-27-2006, 08:52 AM	#5 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	Oooh, nice one! I like the story it tells. And a part of me can relate to it, too... wandering through life, just trying to find your place in the world. I agree with Caligari_87 on the little grammatical change, too. Maybe something like "She trusts herself and no one else"? But it's up to you. You are the writer here, so you should be the one to decide what changes should be made. Keep it up! __________________ Come join!

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02-26-2006, 01:24 AM	#4 (permalink)
VirgoLuna n00blet Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 7th Crater, The Moon Posts: 8 Points: 617.72 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 617.72 Donate	thanx, this one's like the first one I ever wrote. I'll put another up soon... Jazz, U know u love me

02-27-2006, 05:25 PM	#6 (permalink)
Beleg Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: In my Planet Hell Age: 19 Posts: 419 Points: 1,228.49 Bank: 3,110.56 Total Points: 4,339.05 Donate	wow, is beautiful ^^, and...about the grammatical...me english is bad -Javy P.D. pardon my english ^^

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