Rach: thanks for the coment, glad you liked "Ode to my Friends." A girl who wins burping matches? I gotta see that... but I don't think you could beat me. We should have one sometime. Glad you liked the pictures... who ever did the graffiti is pretty good. Glad you liked "teenage "love."" I didn't inted it to sound too hateful... I didn't even want things to end up between me and that girl like they did, but... eh. whatever. You liked my doodles! yayness! so far, I'm happy i posted em. Some of my friends said they were decent, so... I'm glad And 1,103 posts isn't old, it's experienced. I feel old most of the time anyways. guess it has to do with the fact I NEED caffein to get up in the mornings

Ok... so, i've decided to challenge myself this time. I usually can't write short poems, but I've decided to try and workmout two. I think they turned out well, but... I dunno. They both resulted by obervation of the topic at hand, and with the second, of feeling it. I made lists of adjectives for both, about 32 or more for each, then picked out 7 to put in the poem. I like em. coments and critics are welcome, as always.

Azure Sky

A pair of watchful eyes
Lost somewhere in the depths
Of an ever changing canvas,
Perfect in their beauty
And shrouded in mystery
Of such unbound freedom,
Of the endless sky


Poet's Wind

A soothing carress
Sends chills donw my spine
As it whispers in my ear
Filing my heart with warmth
Ignoring boundries
She travels the world,
Inspireing those who dream

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Poet's Wind is interesting-- but it doesnt give the impression of wind or whispers. You have, i think, maybe too many hard sounds for it to deliver the message I think you are trying to send.


Azure Sky also has interesting word choice and sounds-- but it seems like you convey the message of endlessness, infinite, boundless skies, dreams-- but the last words of each line are iambs- which seem to make the line 'end' in feeling, as opposed to the 'boundless, endless sky' you seem to want to portray.

Your words are very powerful- but they just seem to have a contrasting feeling to your poem itself. I think they inhibit the full power of what you want to convey. Your list of adjectives works- thats a good idea. And you picked ones you like- that counts, too.l But again, the ones you picked dont seem to give the meaning any...sensory echo.

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Nemo:Thanks for the advice. hm... I need to get my english thesaurus out. I'll work on them tonight, see if I can improve them. It's hard for me to write short poems, but I agree with you, the message isn't getting through as well as I'd like. Thanks a ton!

Leanne: glad you liked them Leanne! It's nice to see I'm not as bad as I thought, even if I have room for imporvement. Thanks for the comment, they're always encouraging. And keep up the good work on your stuff, it's always great to read.

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Liking both of those poems you recently wrote, Yukio. I want to challenge myself with short poems, too, since most of mine are long. Too much to say, I guess. *lol*


That first line of 'Azure Sky' reminds me of a line from Savage Garden's 'You Can Still Be Free': "Cool breeze and autumn leaves/ Slow motion daylight/ A lone pair of watchful eyes/ Oversee the living..." That really perked my interest in that poem.

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Come join!

Toe xpand on what i mean with your words, heres examples:

"Sigh so softly, the soft wind soothes
The turmoil and surmise..."

The line conveys the power that the air and wind, like a sigh, is calming. The repetitive "S" sounds reinforce the wind sighing- swish, swoosh.

"Tiger teeth toss children
Into the spiked crevace"

A violent line- the hard Ts and K sounds and the word CHILD-REN, both syllables stressed- makes the line harsh, powerful, violent, like tiger teeth.

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Nemo: thanks for the examples, I'll definetely keep that in mind for future poems. Do you have a poetry thread somewhere? That'd be nice to see.

Sara: Hey, welcome back! Glad you liked them, and that you're gonna try some out yourself. I'd love to read those. I also have lots to say all the time, and I like to describe as much as I can, so writing short poems proves dificult. It's always nice to see your comments on my thread, it's encouraging. Hope to see you around!

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your work is amazingly brilliant, your so talented!! i cant get enough of it. i cant even choose which lyrics i like the best because they are all mense!
<3!!!!
xoxo

Drsden_Doll/Ashlee: Thanks for taking the time to stop by and read my poems. I'm glad you liked them. And hey, yours are mense too.

Ok, so a little bit of a rewind... this is old. It kinda reflects the way I felt back then and how I still do on MANY things... don't ask why I kick myself so much and treat myself like shit, cause I don't have an answer for you... comments and critics on the poem are welcome, as always.


Uselessness

I stand my ground
Unrelenting, unquavering
I cannot move
I cannot help

Your pain I cannot expel
Your wounds I cannot seal
I try to break my bonds
I try to wipe your tears away

But my hands are not free
I carry the burden of the truth,
And it weighs me down
Forgive me, I cannot help

I’d carry your pains and fear
But my strength is not enough
To break my bonds to reach you
And hold you in my arms

So cry onto my shoulder
I will not move
Forever here shall I remain
Offering you someone to blame

For now, a stoic statue I remain
Gathering my strength
Biding my time unflinchingly, until at last
My freedom I can achieve

To put an end to my uselessness
And take your pain away

Edit: changed it a little bit... sorry for "unflinchingly," I just liked it.

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No- i dont write poetry; its actually very hard for me- its just not my field. Unless i pour a lot of time of study or something into it. I might try when I do have a lot of time to dedicate- but for now, i just observe and gather what i can or critique.

Those are good words to use- but with the other lines, the word 'unflinching' specifically doesnt roll off the tongue and merge with the rest of the stanza. "Unflinching" sounds harder- a tough, stoic word. Maybe itd be more effective in your last 4 line stanza- to specifically convey stoicism? Not a big problem- just a tongue-stumbling thing when one tries to say the poem out loud. "Flinch" starts hard and ends hard- and then to add an "ing" makes it just sound a little uncomfortable to say.

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