Enemy

I used to write often because it kept me sane, but lately my poetry has gotten a bit bland. It would be nice to see some feedback and especially criticisms. I welcome it all!

Wake

Wake
(I'll) And we'll waste
ourselves to the core
your tears
(love) Are nothing more
than diamond jewels

Wake
(you) And we'll race
our heartbeats
for an empty space
your love
(more) Doesn't need
to breathe

Wait and Believe
confidence will write letters
address for you and me
We'll believe
(than) Desire is more
than just a dream

Wake
(they) And we'll learn
to run from the bad terms
to live, and die
and sigh

Wake
(can) And we'll make
the best of our days
AndYou love, and you know
but you don't

You know, but you don't
but you don't

Wake
(say) And we'll shake
the life out of
earthquakes
(and) We'll take
and we'll break
sticks and stones
and people's bones

Wake
(put) And we'll wake
without our alarms on
we'll wake
but We won't
but We won't

Wake
(in) And we'll fake
our biggest escape
away, from Paradise
away, from this Place

Desire your
Dreams

Destiny, makes
Despair scream

Delight, into
Delirium

Death unto parting
(words.) and
Destruction saves the rest of us

Wake
(Make) Excited face
we'll run and
we'll pace
back and forth
(me) side to
(wake.) side
in time and space

Don't panic, don't wake, don't run, don't save

FelicityS

Wow, that's cool... it's really different but i like the structure and the way it rhymes! good work... i wanna see more!

Im_Broken

I really like the style that you have for your work, and how you put everything together. I loved reading your poem, and you did a great job with it. I hope to see more of your work soon.

Uriel Coleridge

BOOYA!

It's great to see you started your own thread Thahn. Very nice poem. Loved the structure, symbolism, flow, and word choice. (everything, in short.) Yoiu should have tried to start every stanza with "wake" though. Those two that don't kinda throw the reader off. They work, yeah, but it was just something I noticed. Nice side-mini poem, me likes it. Keep up the good work... hope to see more from you!

Enemy

Felicity: Thank you soo much, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'll be posting more soon.

Rach: Hey! Thanks, glad you like the style. I realy appreciated your comments

Yukio: Thanks for checking out my thread! And thanks for the tip. I'll be posting some more poems soon, just not today because I have to go to some luncheon that I don't want to go to

Anyways, thanks again for all your comments....I've read all your work too and you guys actually inspired me to start writing again. I'll be posting more soon!

OdeToTheMuse

Quote:

Desire your Dreams Destiny, makes Despair scream Delight, into Delirium Death unto parting (words.) and Destruction saves the rest of us

I love this part!!! It's very impressive!

Enemy

Heh. Thanks soo much Claudine! I wrote this poem about a year ago and added that little part after reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman: Endless Nights. Again, thanks for the comment.

Enemy

Okay, I really don't have a comment for these two, except the first one is something I wrote a LONG time ago...and the second is more recent....enjoy, and please stab it if you have to...

Always Lost

Love is lost/Love is always lost
tight away in a coffin
driven down to the gorge
(Empty quiver)
Love is lost
somewhere between
hate and dishonesty
love is always lost
(Stringless bow)
Fear not the arrow
what makes you love kills you
touching the heart
and piercing right through
sending love, ripping flesh
and to the stone wall
of seeing your love less
but lost of all
(Broken Heart)
Love is lost/ Love is always lost
screaming in that hideaway
tucked in the vastness of the head
(Opened hole)
Love is lost
somewhere distant
my love is yelling
"love is always lost"
(Somewhere
between stonewalls
love is lost)

Decide

You can decide for yourself
When you lie to yourself
In a peaceful oblivion
Locked inside somebody else

Believe me, when I say
The object is to separate
Reality from imaginary
When the tears collect
And they form
The most devastating destruction
In your head

You can relive this by yourself
When you've trapped yourself
In a painful euphoria
To ignore a past you don't remember

But believe me, when I say
The object is to become
Imaginary to reality
When the feelings turn real
When pain actually hurts
And they form
The slightest opening to the world

Pain is universal
everything is diverse
Pain is universal
and you realize
Being real requires hurt

Violette

Ooh, you have a poetry thread now, too? Yayness! Now it's my turn to check out your work.

I really enjoyed 'Wake.' I like the idea, the choice of words, the style... Setting a different shape for the stanzas had a nice effect, too. If you asked me to pick a favorite stanza, I couldn't. And the 'invisible words' was a nice touch (especially here on EvBoard, when you wouldn't have realized they were there until you either highlight the verses or read it again when responding to the post, like I did).

Same thing with 'Destruction.' That's something that everyone can relate to, I think. I especially like the final stanza, when you say 'Being real requires hurt.' That is so true, now that I think about it. The only suggestion/question I have about 'Destruction' is this - in the third stanza:

Quote:

You can relive this by yourself When you've trapped yourself In a painful euphoria To ignore a past you don't remember

Euphoria is more of a positive feeling, like when you're overcome by happiness. So I'm not sure if 'euphoria' is the right word you're looking for here. Unless you were trying for a contradiction of sorts, and then I can definitely see how it works.

Anyways, please keep on posting, Thanh! Nice work so far!

Im_Broken

Damn, your two new poems are written very well. I really enjoyed reading them. You have a great style of writing, and I always look forward to reading your stuff. I must say these were my favorite lines::

Love is lost/Love is always lost
tight away in a coffin
driven down to the gorge

Great job. Keep up the awesome work.