My thoughts - Page 2 - EvBoard

Adraorien · 07-26-2004, 03:43 PM

I wish that I could play guitar. Thank you for comment. Keep em' comming.

xNyteElfx · 07-27-2004, 03:10 PM

I like Drowning the best but it reminds me of a Three Days Grace song, just a similar image. Although it has been said before, don't force rhymes, the reader can always tell when you have done so. If it doesn't just come to you, don't do it. Occasionally when I write a rhyming poem I get to a line that nothing rhymes with or souds right with but one word that has already been used, so I just use it again, it doesn't sound right picking a random rhyming word. Good job though.

where will u go · 07-28-2004, 01:55 PM

wow they are getting better.... not that they were bad in the first place.... i really think u can get somewhere with these!!!
~Luna

Adraorien · 07-29-2004, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Orginally Posted by xNyteElfx
I like Drowning the best but it reminds me of a Three Days Grace song, just a similar image.

Very observant, that song enspired me to write that one, that is one of my favorite 3DG songs. OMG you guys I almost forgot about this one, this is one of my personal favorites hope you like it.

"Crimson Liquid"
Just as the day cuts into the night
The knife ends my life

As I press the cold metal to my warm skin
Upon my face there becomes a grin

I press harder and the crimson liquid pours out
I clench my teeth so as not to shout

Staring at the crimson liquid brings joy to my hear
More joy than these words can impart

The carpet is not white anymore
Now there is crimson all over the floor

I'm becoming dizzy and weak
It becomes difficult to speak

I close my eyes and my life starts to dissolve
'The point of life" a mystery I couldn't solve.

Ok now these last two I just did yesterday and they don't have names either, so if you think of a name let me know.

(poem 1)
behind the eyes of darkness
And many years of sarrow
Lies the little girl
So long ago left behind
She is forever free
To many years past
Forgoten in the cold world
She is still innocent
She is still nieve

(poem 2)
Don't hold me back
Don't hold me down
Leave me alone
What the fuck
Your 'helping hand'
A heavy burden
You never gave a shit about MY dreams
Can't hold me back
Can't hold me down.

And as always Constructive Criticism:
If you would like to comment on one or more please use the name of the poem you are referring to. Thank you every one that has commented.

Adraorien · 06-18-2005, 09:04 PM

Really looking back at some of my older poems they suck I don't know why people commented on them the way they did...also IGNORE my rant above. I guess just writting more over time has hleped me improve my writting style...

please take time out of your busy schedual to read this simple poem by me:

May.18.2005
“Fate”
I can’t explain this feeling
Can’t make it go away
It’s not getting better
It only consumes me
Feed me lies
Shoot up insecurities
“Silence” is the bullet that penetrates my skull
I painfully swallow the sorrow
I feel it slide down inside of me
Like a dry piece of bread, a week without water
Your bullshit standards are nothing to me
We live in an artificial world
You feed us shit and stuff it down our throats
You fill us with lies so we no longer crave the truth

It really doesn't bother me if anyone replies to this but just that you read it...thank you

Adraorien · 12-21-2005, 11:02 AM

Pain Secedes
nov. 26.2005
Suicidal thoughts run though my mind
Like clouds fly in the sky
I can never seem to put the past behind
Do I really wish to die?

My razor tempts me
Let me spill some blood
It seems that I will never bee free
As the red river turns to flood

I panic and shake
Why me I cry
My whole body is a quake
This is all on a broken lie

I won't lie, I hate my life
I never meant for it to end this way
Maybe I do want my life
I don't want to die, I pray

I just don't want to feel pain anymore
Now, I am alone
My life is fleeing from me on this floor
Why am I always alone?

No one loves the melancholy girl
Always quiet and shy
Around him I unfurl
Too bad he's a dream, I cry

It seems I can never be happy
At anything I do
I try to act happy
But my countenance is so untrue

I'm sorry it had to end like this
I feel so cold
I won't be something you miss
But I was...so I'm told.

and so ends the crappy poem...if you all are wishing to know why I'm so down...my lover of two years broke up with me. I am finally getting better, even though we havn't talked in weeks. He was my best friend and he fukin left me!!!

Leanne · 12-21-2005, 11:46 AM

Hey, no your work is real good! I like the "Crimson Liquid" one and the new one you posted. You can feel the emotion in your work, I hope to see more!

Uriel Coleridge · 12-22-2005, 12:06 PM

Quote:

"Tears"
I hurt as the tears roll down my face,
For now I wish I wasn't here at this time and place,
All of you can sit and stare,
But you will never know the pain I bare,
Unless you ask,
You will never know the pain behind the mask.

Quote:

"Stormy Existance"
You're the rock in my storm
When there's nothing left
I always have you
You'll never know how special you are
I've kept on breathing for you
I've kept on living for you
The moment we part I already miss you.

I like all your poems, especially the above two. They're just amazing, you have some really good potential.

(it was hard as hell picking just two) Keep writing, I look forward to seeing more of your work. and I think I have a name for (poem 1): I think that "Forgotten" or "Astray" could work... And don't worry about that break up, it'll get better eventually. "Pain Secedes" is some very deep stuff, and the rhymes don't look forced. I liked it a lot too.

Adraorien · 12-22-2005, 08:38 PM

Thanks Leanne and Uriel Coleridge for your encouraging comments! Yeah, my break up was a few weeks ago and it has gotten easier for both of us and we are getting more comfortable with being friends...

There is a local poetry and prose contest where I live that I would much like to enter and I was wondering if you guys would give me ideas as what to enter...

This link has a few poems at...as well as a story that I never finished...I would be greatful if you read them and tell me what you think I should enter...click here I have posted some of the same poems over there that are on this thread...but many more as well.

I wrote this one today and I am considering entering this one...

“Dancing Dreams”
Deep in the dark forest
The air is quiet and chilled
The elegy of my heart
Sings me to sleep
My eyes shine with passion
I, like an impatient fire that can not be contained
My spirit roams these woods
With unworldly dreams
And though it is far from home
They have a familiar sting
My soul lingers here when I can not stay
There’s something that draws me
The beauty of love
The darkness of sin
All is still in this world apart
I try to remember, but seem to forget
The woods beckon me hence
My feet move to soundless notes in the lonely forest
The leaves fall and beauty is betrayed.

Please tell me your thoughts...thank you <3

Leanne · 01-03-2006, 06:07 AM

Hey! I like the "Dancing Dreams" one. Is real good, the words you use are great! I think you'd have a good chance with that one.

07-26-2004, 03:43 PM	#11 (permalink)
Adraorien Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in my head Age: 19 Posts: 193 Points: 2,354.21 Bank: 539.23 Total Points: 2,893.44 Donate	I wish that I could play guitar. Thank you for comment. Keep em' comming. __________________ RESISTANCE MEMBER 24.24.2.1833

06-18-2005, 09:04 PM	#15 (permalink)
Adraorien Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in my head Age: 19 Posts: 193 Points: 2,354.21 Bank: 539.23 Total Points: 2,893.44 Donate	Wow!!! Really looking back at some of my older poems they suck I don't know why people commented on them the way they did...also IGNORE my rant above. I guess just writting more over time has hleped me improve my writting style... please take time out of your busy schedual to read this simple poem by me: May.18.2005 “Fate” I can’t explain this feeling Can’t make it go away It’s not getting better It only consumes me Feed me lies Shoot up insecurities “Silence” is the bullet that penetrates my skull I painfully swallow the sorrow I feel it slide down inside of me Like a dry piece of bread, a week without water Your bullshit standards are nothing to me We live in an artificial world You feed us shit and stuff it down our throats You fill us with lies so we no longer crave the truth It really doesn't bother me if anyone replies to this but just that you read it...thank you __________________ RESISTANCE MEMBER 24.24.2.1833

12-21-2005, 11:46 AM	#17 (permalink)
Leanne Gay Monkey Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: England Age: 17 Posts: 2,064 Points: 5,573.96 Bank: 160,236.86 Total Points: 165,810.82 Donate	Hey, no your work is real good! I like the "Crimson Liquid" one and the new one you posted. You can feel the emotion in your work, I hope to see more! __________________

12-22-2005, 08:38 PM	#19 (permalink)
Adraorien Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in my head Age: 19 Posts: 193 Points: 2,354.21 Bank: 539.23 Total Points: 2,893.44 Donate	Thanks Leanne and Uriel Coleridge for your encouraging comments! Yeah, my break up was a few weeks ago and it has gotten easier for both of us and we are getting more comfortable with being friends... There is a local poetry and prose contest where I live that I would much like to enter and I was wondering if you guys would give me ideas as what to enter... This link has a few poems at...as well as a story that I never finished...I would be greatful if you read them and tell me what you think I should enter...click here I have posted some of the same poems over there that are on this thread...but many more as well. I wrote this one today and I am considering entering this one... “Dancing Dreams” Deep in the dark forest The air is quiet and chilled The elegy of my heart Sings me to sleep My eyes shine with passion I, like an impatient fire that can not be contained My spirit roams these woods With unworldly dreams And though it is far from home They have a familiar sting My soul lingers here when I can not stay There’s something that draws me The beauty of love The darkness of sin All is still in this world apart I try to remember, but seem to forget The woods beckon me hence My feet move to soundless notes in the lonely forest The leaves fall and beauty is betrayed. Please tell me your thoughts...thank you <3 __________________ RESISTANCE MEMBER 24.24.2.1833

01-03-2006, 06:07 AM	#20 (permalink)
Leanne Gay Monkey Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: England Age: 17 Posts: 2,064 Points: 5,573.96 Bank: 160,236.86 Total Points: 165,810.82 Donate	Hey! I like the "Dancing Dreams" one. Is real good, the words you use are great! I think you'd have a good chance with that one. __________________

07-27-2004, 03:10 PM	#12 (permalink)
xNyteElfx Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New York Posts: 39 Points: 106.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 106.00 Donate	I like Drowning the best but it reminds me of a Three Days Grace song, just a similar image. Although it has been said before, don't force rhymes, the reader can always tell when you have done so. If it doesn't just come to you, don't do it. Occasionally when I write a rhyming poem I get to a line that nothing rhymes with or souds right with but one word that has already been used, so I just use it again, it doesn't sound right picking a random rhyming word. Good job though.

07-28-2004, 01:55 PM	#13 (permalink)
where will u go n00blet Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Rockford, IL Age: 21 Posts: 13 Points: 100.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 100.00 Donate	wow they are getting better.... not that they were bad in the first place.... i really think u can get somewhere with these!!! ~Luna

12-21-2005, 11:02 AM	#16 (permalink)
Adraorien Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in my head Age: 19 Posts: 193 Points: 2,354.21 Bank: 539.23 Total Points: 2,893.44 Donate	Pain Secedes nov. 26.2005 Suicidal thoughts run though my mind Like clouds fly in the sky I can never seem to put the past behind Do I really wish to die? My razor tempts me Let me spill some blood It seems that I will never bee free As the red river turns to flood I panic and shake Why me I cry My whole body is a quake This is all on a broken lie I won't lie, I hate my life I never meant for it to end this way Maybe I do want my life I don't want to die, I pray I just don't want to feel pain anymore Now, I am alone My life is fleeing from me on this floor Why am I always alone? No one loves the melancholy girl Always quiet and shy Around him I unfurl Too bad he's a dream, I cry It seems I can never be happy At anything I do I try to act happy But my countenance is so untrue I'm sorry it had to end like this I feel so cold I won't be something you miss But I was...so I'm told. and so ends the crappy poem...if you all are wishing to know why I'm so down...my lover of two years broke up with me. I am finally getting better, even though we havn't talked in weeks. He was my best friend and he fukin left me!!!

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