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Literary Arts A place to share all of your original stories, songs, poems, lyrics, etc. |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #111 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Kentucky
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Whoa, been a while. ^^; I wonder if any of you remember me, I posted a few works a while ago.
I kinda miss doing so since this is the best place to get feedback for what you do. But I felt kind of guilty, because I never gave feedback myself. And I am horribly at giving criticism. I'm not exactly used to doing so, and I'm a little afraid it wouldn't be constructive enough. I kinda like reading through, and I'm reading some of the feedback given by others to see if I can figure out how to give it myself. I feel bad just posting my stuff and never commenting on anyone else's'. Yet I'm one of those people who, if I don't like something, I find it hard to say more than 'I don't like it,' or if I do like something, I end up saying 'Oh, I liked it.' In short, I'm really bad at giving good feedback. XD I guess I'm mainly posting this to explain my sudden disappearance a while ago. As I was posting quite frequently, but then just stopped. I'm sorry for such, but as I said, I was beginning to feel bad for not commenting on others' stuff. It has been quite a while, but I started checking up on Ev Board more recently, so I saw this thread and remembered everything and such. If I can ever master giving criticism, I shall return! Yes...yes I shall. |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #112 (permalink) |
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has a sucky username. =)
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I remember you Arcane.
I can't give criticism either, I just pretend I can. xP So try, it's ok. Just give 1 point you like, and one point you don't. And if you can't go ahead and say "I like it" or "I don't like it." ![]() Ok psycho_fish: It's pretty good. It's easy to relate to, and that's good. It's also very straightfoward. I think you could add a little imagery to make it more interesting though. |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #113 (permalink) |
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n00blet
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Australia
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My poetry :0
Entitled 'Imprinted' unless you guys can help me come up with a better title!
*********************************** Your imaginary voice echoes in my head Hollow in sound, mentality a dread. Pick up the pieces of our broken love and watch as they will themselves back down. Calling out to no response I find you don't exist and I break; lost Figment of my imagination, A desperate creation Pierced heart and shattered dreams Which culprit stole you away from me? Asking forever unaswered questions. Eternal sorrow and misery are torn souls And I join those who had given it all To start over and bid farewell to life gone To be born again and die once and for all. None will miss me I believe And I have lost all faith and wonder. Hopelessly calling, hoping to find an answer, Attempting to repair the broken memory. No matter how much glue I use, to fill the gaps You can't ever come back. Lost in all endless despair Falling for so long Now I've hit the ground No external wounds, just a blade driven wildly inside. I remember your touch and how strong you made me As of how weak I am now. Cut on an infinite wound, Bleeding your blood forever Until no tears are left to cry. Crimson pours from pale flesh I'm drowned in your absence. |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #114 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Canada
Age: 21
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The world of today
I sit here and watch the clouds speeding through the sky I wonder if I could someday fly Maybe escape this horrible place The world for which I see Disgusts me People walking like they have no fears Smiles upon fading faces Smoke rise in 100 puffs Slowly killing all that lives Blood stains on the sidewalks From the many guns which they held Gangs on gangs Never ending terror The world is now like a bug Waiting to fly or be stepped on So when we go home at night We take off our pretty masks Revealing the ugliness inside We rip our skin off our bones Drinking in the blood which we drop When the world sleeps The horror does not fade Waiting around haunted corners Waiting to strike with destructive weapons Blood fallen from the scorn angel Popped up on pills Not even knowing what to expect The horrific screams The rushing dreams You cannot escape Nor can I We are slowly dying our painless death Falling from our pedestals which we held our hopes high Fading into the ever growing darkness inside our hearts Trying to break from the shackles of hell But fail at every chance Nails drenched in blood Smell of death all around We are fighting a war which has no end, nor a beginning Wearing our mask to hide ourselves From whom we truly are We all have fears though they may not show What do you expect from us? We are soon going to die Our world falls in vain We are screaming in pain But nobody is listening to our pleads They go unnoticed and unheard The world still spins round When it stops we will never know But as I spin around in my dreams Hoping to wake and all be silent I look out my window And I’m scared again |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #115 (permalink) |
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Osoreooi desu.
![]() Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Baltimore, MD
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Unrequited-Amz, I have only a couple of things to say to you. As for the title, I thought you were on a great track with it... although, I'd prefer if it was simply, "Imprint"... but the idea of the title you had, I thought just suited it really well. I see no need to come up with a better title.
What I wanted to say to you was that you have a very clever way of putting words together so that they sound right. You have a sense of what sounds good. Your arrangements were spot on. I don't know how much you focus on that, but it's really your strength. That's where the power of your words lies. --- Mistress Raven, wow... you have a lot of really good descriptions in that chunk of a poem. (I'm assuming it's a poem.) Jeez. Where I see fault with it is that you use too many descriptions. They all suit your purpose well and they do what they're supposed to, the problem is that you give so many and they're all so different from one another, that it's difficult for your poem to have unity. The key to things like this is to narrow your descriptions/metaphors/ideas, etc. down to a few, select ones that are crucial to get your understanding across - then spend the rest of the poem emphasizing those few ideas. Good writing is not about writing as many great things as you can and shoving a bunch of amazing ideas and amazing words into one piece of work, it's the simplistic art of taking a single idea and expanding it in one piece of work. The other problem with that is that you run the risk of sounding cliché. It makes it appear like you can't go beneath the surface and really delve into the important issues. Make us see something we haven't seen before, make us think things that we wouldn't normally thing... writing is about taking your thoughts and basic ideas/struggles in life to another level... a different dimension. Open the mind of the reader. That's your real goal. --- Arcane... yes I too have not forgotten about you either. As for critiquing, I have a few suggestions for you. Firstly, I'd encourage you to read what other people have to say when they're critiquing someone else's work. Make sure you understand what that person is saying and that you can find it and identify it in the work in question. Don't hesitate to ask someone to calrify what they meant in a critique for your own understanding. That's a part of the learning process... and everyone here is learning, not just those that submit. Another thing you can try to do is to just focus on one thing. You don't have to bog yourself down with the task of critiquing an entire poem or anything. Until you get used to it, try to focus on a single verse, or a single idea that you feel you can adequately address. If you're having a problem getting beyond the simple "I like it" "I don't like it" thoughts, then the next time you have that sort of reaction after reading something, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Why did I like/dislike that?" "What made me feel that way?" Chances are you'll be able to come up with some kind of a reason... and that is valid enough. Don't stress yourself out over trying to make a "good" critique. What makes most critiques valuable is their genuine honesty. You don't need to be an English professor to be able to give someone some good, valid comments on their writing. It can be anybody! I hope this helps you out and makes you feel less insecure when it comes to responding next time.
Last edited by Jane : 09-04-2006 at 08:30 PM |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #116 (permalink) |
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wee taco
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The Rose
She rises from the soft brown Earth- Leaving her impurities behind Her delicate touch unmistakable Her petals all but harmless She blossoms over the rest Her aroma fills the air Intoxicating- Casting her spell Not one can survive her beauty, Her touch undeniable The thorns raise curiousity I can't help but touch Her thorns thrash at my hands Cutting into my flesh Blood sipping- Draining me of my poison The pain finally gone The gash deep, yet I dare not let her go For I know time heals all wounds I finally found her- My star... My rose |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #117 (permalink) | |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: United States
Age: 18
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Quote:
really good. really touching. makes you think about some things. |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #118 (permalink) | |
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Tough As Nails
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Over The Rainbow
Age: 33
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Quote:
I absolutely loved this poem! Its very deep, heartfelt, and pasionate, and expresses so much feeling and emotion. Reading every word, I understand every word. You have great talent, and should use it, and go the whole legnth!! Very Lovely!!
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #119 (permalink) |
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i am a BLACK BULLET
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: under your bed
Age: 16
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hell, why not? criticize the shit out of me
![]() Panoply Had just laid down my head And already thoughts of you hover 'bove my bed Had just sat down atop the sill But your gorgeous eyes they haunt me still The eclipse is calling out its plea That dark light resonating pure in me Push through the panes and smile wide Glowing shadows and ready to fly And if my wings can't let me fly, The tides will take me by and by And then I sank below the waves All thoughts of you will drift away So weightless, I no longer swim Thier icy fingers take me in Thier face a naive, loveless hue Stumbling hands can never compare to you I push away, fall like a rock Sinking down deep into the fog I run as far as I can stand Into the billowing mist, I take your hand With angels wings we lift above Dancing with praise but never love Envelope the darkness, as we collide But there's still the wall we can never divide Sing to your ears, Dread the silence I fear Look up to the signs when the message is sent The Neon that flashes blinds the thoughts they had meant Crawl up to the brick and ascend to be hid Shun all the world that cared not what you bid Drag across the splinters 'till I reach what I need I realize my stupidity as, like crucified, I bleed Exhausted I know it's time to fall As wailing, you begin to call The hills have wrapped me up within When inside my eyes, the cogs begin I'm starting to grieve what I've become But it's too late, the dreams begun When soon it's the end and I am through At least the last thing I'll see is you... |
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!!!-not For The Faint Of Heart-!!! Post #120 (permalink) |
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Tainted flesh, polluted soul
![]() Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Under the black rose
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I'm curious to see what people think of this, although this thread seems a bit dead so I don't know if I'll get any response.
Criticize your hearts out... (Untitled) So far apart, and yet so close Look in the mirror and see a ghost Pale reflection of who I used to be Wondering what became of me The girl with once sparkling eyes Now reduced to silent cries For mercy, peace, an end to pain Desperate to be freed again To find a place to rest my soul Far from the world that takes it's toll Shadows descending, block out the light Surrounded by the blackest night No where to run, no place to hide Stripped of virtue, devoid of pride Innocence once held so dear Is now replaced by frozen fear Lost forever in a sea of regret Clinging to memories I long to forget Childhood dreams of a brighter tomorrow Buried under the weight of sorrow One last deep breath, now say goodbye I spread my wings and learn to fly Far from fate's vengeful eyes... |
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