Arcane

Whoa, been a while. ^^; I wonder if any of you remember me, I posted a few works a while ago.

I kinda miss doing so since this is the best place to get feedback for what you do. But I felt kind of guilty, because I never gave feedback myself. And I am horribly at giving criticism. I'm not exactly used to doing so, and I'm a little afraid it wouldn't be constructive enough.

I kinda like reading through, and I'm reading some of the feedback given by others to see if I can figure out how to give it myself. I feel bad just posting my stuff and never commenting on anyone else's'. Yet I'm one of those people who, if I don't like something, I find it hard to say more than 'I don't like it,' or if I do like something, I end up saying 'Oh, I liked it.'

In short, I'm really bad at giving good feedback. XD

I guess I'm mainly posting this to explain my sudden disappearance a while ago. As I was posting quite frequently, but then just stopped. I'm sorry for such, but as I said, I was beginning to feel bad for not commenting on others' stuff. It has been quite a while, but I started checking up on Ev Board more recently, so I saw this thread and remembered everything and such.

If I can ever master giving criticism, I shall return! Yes...yes I shall.

punkinhead225

I remember you Arcane.
I can't give criticism either, I just pretend I can. xP So try, it's ok. Just give 1 point you like, and one point you don't. And if you can't go ahead and say "I like it" or "I don't like it."

Ok psycho_fish:
It's pretty good. It's easy to relate to, and that's good. It's also very straightfoward. I think you could add a little imagery to make it more interesting though.

Unrequited-Amz

Entitled 'Imprinted' unless you guys can help me come up with a better title!
***********************************
Your imaginary voice echoes in my head
Hollow in sound, mentality a dread.
Pick up the pieces of our broken love
and watch as they will themselves back down.

Calling out to no response
I find you don't exist and I break; lost

Figment of my imagination,
A desperate creation
Pierced heart and shattered dreams
Which culprit stole you away from me?

Asking forever unaswered questions.

Eternal sorrow and misery are torn souls
And I join those who had given it all
To start over and bid farewell to life gone
To be born again and die once and for all.

None will miss me I believe
And I have lost all faith and wonder.
Hopelessly calling, hoping to find an answer,
Attempting to repair the broken memory.
No matter how much glue I use, to fill the gaps
You can't ever come back.

Lost in all endless despair
Falling for so long
Now I've hit the ground

No external wounds, just a blade driven wildly inside.
I remember your touch and how strong you made me
As of how weak I am now.

Cut on an infinite wound,
Bleeding your blood forever
Until no tears are left to cry.
Crimson pours from pale flesh
I'm drowned in your absence.

MistressRaven

The world of today

I sit here and watch
the clouds speeding through the sky
I wonder if I could someday fly
Maybe escape
this horrible place
The world for which I see
Disgusts me
People walking like they have no fears
Smiles upon fading faces
Smoke rise in 100 puffs
Slowly killing all that lives
Blood stains on the sidewalks
From the many guns which they held
Gangs on gangs
Never ending terror
The world is now like a bug
Waiting to fly or be stepped on
So when we go home at night
We take off our pretty masks
Revealing the ugliness inside
We rip our skin off our bones
Drinking in the blood which we drop
When the world sleeps
The horror does not fade
Waiting around haunted corners
Waiting to strike with destructive weapons
Blood fallen from the scorn angel
Popped up on pills
Not even knowing what to expect
The horrific screams
The rushing dreams
You cannot escape
Nor can I
We are slowly dying our painless death
Falling from our pedestals which we held our hopes high
Fading into the ever growing darkness inside our hearts
Trying to break from the shackles of hell
But fail at every chance
Nails drenched in blood
Smell of death all around
We are fighting a war which has no end, nor a beginning
Wearing our mask to hide ourselves
From whom we truly are
We all have fears though they may not show
What do you expect from us?
We are soon going to die
Our world falls in vain
We are screaming in pain
But nobody is listening to our pleads
They go unnoticed and unheard
The world still spins round
When it stops we will never know
But as I spin around in my dreams
Hoping to wake and all be silent
I look out my window
And I’m scared again

Jane

Unrequited-Amz, I have only a couple of things to say to you. As for the title, I thought you were on a great track with it... although, I'd prefer if it was simply, "Imprint"... but the idea of the title you had, I thought just suited it really well. I see no need to come up with a better title.

What I wanted to say to you was that you have a very clever way of putting words together so that they sound right. You have a sense of what sounds good. Your arrangements were spot on. I don't know how much you focus on that, but it's really your strength. That's where the power of your words lies.

---

Mistress Raven, wow... you have a lot of really good descriptions in that chunk of a poem. (I'm assuming it's a poem.) Jeez. Where I see fault with it is that you use too many descriptions. They all suit your purpose well and they do what they're supposed to, the problem is that you give so many and they're all so different from one another, that it's difficult for your poem to have unity.

The key to things like this is to narrow your descriptions/metaphors/ideas, etc. down to a few, select ones that are crucial to get your understanding across - then spend the rest of the poem emphasizing those few ideas. Good writing is not about writing as many great things as you can and shoving a bunch of amazing ideas and amazing words into one piece of work, it's the simplistic art of taking a single idea and expanding it in one piece of work.

The other problem with that is that you run the risk of sounding cliché. It makes it appear like you can't go beneath the surface and really delve into the important issues. Make us see something we haven't seen before, make us think things that we wouldn't normally thing... writing is about taking your thoughts and basic ideas/struggles in life to another level... a different dimension. Open the mind of the reader. That's your real goal.

---

Arcane... yes I too have not forgotten about you either. As for critiquing, I have a few suggestions for you. Firstly, I'd encourage you to read what other people have to say when they're critiquing someone else's work. Make sure you understand what that person is saying and that you can find it and identify it in the work in question. Don't hesitate to ask someone to calrify what they meant in a critique for your own understanding. That's a part of the learning process... and everyone here is learning, not just those that submit.

Another thing you can try to do is to just focus on one thing. You don't have to bog yourself down with the task of critiquing an entire poem or anything. Until you get used to it, try to focus on a single verse, or a single idea that you feel you can adequately address. If you're having a problem getting beyond the simple "I like it" "I don't like it" thoughts, then the next time you have that sort of reaction after reading something, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Why did I like/dislike that?" "What made me feel that way?" Chances are you'll be able to come up with some kind of a reason... and that is valid enough.

Don't stress yourself out over trying to make a "good" critique. What makes most critiques valuable is their genuine honesty. You don't need to be an English professor to be able to give someone some good, valid comments on their writing. It can be anybody! I hope this helps you out and makes you feel less insecure when it comes to responding next time.

Mr. Chu

The Rose

She rises from the soft brown Earth-
Leaving her impurities behind
Her delicate touch unmistakable
Her petals all but harmless
She blossoms over the rest

Her aroma fills the air
Intoxicating-
Casting her spell

Not one can survive her beauty,
Her touch undeniable

The thorns raise curiousity
I can't help but touch

Her thorns thrash at my hands
Cutting into my flesh
Blood sipping-
Draining me of my poison
The pain finally gone

The gash deep,
yet I dare not let her go
For I know time heals all wounds

I finally found her-
My star...
My rose

broken_inside_0133

really good. really touching. makes you think about some things.

Sweet Tigger

Wow.....
I absolutely loved this poem!
Its very deep, heartfelt, and pasionate,
and expresses so much feeling and emotion.
Reading every word, I understand every word.
You have great talent, and should use it, and
go the whole legnth!!
Very Lovely!!

AdamantEsuna

hell, why not? criticize the shit out of me

Panoply
Had just laid down my head
And already thoughts of you hover 'bove my bed
Had just sat down atop the sill
But your gorgeous eyes they haunt me still
The eclipse is calling out its plea
That dark light resonating pure in me
Push through the panes and smile wide
Glowing shadows and ready to fly
And if my wings can't let me fly,
The tides will take me by and by
And then I sank below the waves
All thoughts of you will drift away
So weightless, I no longer swim
Thier icy fingers take me in
Thier face a naive, loveless hue
Stumbling hands can never compare to you
I push away, fall like a rock
Sinking down deep into the fog
I run as far as I can stand
Into the billowing mist, I take your hand
With angels wings we lift above
Dancing with praise but never love
Envelope the darkness, as we collide
But there's still the wall we can never divide
Sing to your ears,
Dread the silence I fear
Look up to the signs when the message is sent
The Neon that flashes blinds the thoughts they had meant
Crawl up to the brick and ascend to be hid
Shun all the world that cared not what you bid
Drag across the splinters 'till I reach what I need
I realize my stupidity as, like crucified, I bleed
Exhausted I know it's time to fall
As wailing, you begin to call
The hills have wrapped me up within
When inside my eyes, the cogs begin
I'm starting to grieve what I've become
But it's too late, the dreams begun
When soon it's the end and I am through
At least the last thing I'll see is you...

The Dreamer

I'm curious to see what people think of this, although this thread seems a bit dead so I don't know if I'll get any response.

Criticize your hearts out...

(Untitled)

So far apart, and yet so close
Look in the mirror and see a ghost
Pale reflection of who I used to be
Wondering what became of me
The girl with once sparkling eyes
Now reduced to silent cries
For mercy, peace, an end to pain
Desperate to be freed again
To find a place to rest my soul
Far from the world that takes it's toll
Shadows descending, block out the light
Surrounded by the blackest night
No where to run, no place to hide
Stripped of virtue, devoid of pride
Innocence once held so dear
Is now replaced by frozen fear
Lost forever in a sea of regret
Clinging to memories I long to forget
Childhood dreams of a brighter tomorrow
Buried under the weight of sorrow
One last deep breath, now say goodbye
I spread my wings and learn to fly
Far from fate's vengeful eyes...