ectius

it's = its, gramatical

That's about all I could find 'wrong' with yours. The fact that you use more commas than I was the only other thing, but that's just writing style.
It sounds like you're emphasizing 'detachment', but would probably be more effective as-


but again that's more writing preference than anything, and I think it's meant to be a three line stanza, looking at how the poem progresses.

And thus the ending to my strenuous search for badness.

I liked the poem, though. Honestly, at the name "Exodus", my first thought was "Oh, god, please not another Evanescence rip...". But I was most pleased when it turned out quite a different story, unrelating to the song by the same name.

I loved all of the wonderful hidden meanings, but did you mean for this to be one?
It struck a double meaning to me, vaguely though, and I wasn't sure if you intended for it to be a play on words (cold hearted, harsh; cold hearted, blood loss).

Mmmm, yes, a bit long, but still kept my attention througout.

Nameless

Thanks for the comment! This is the first one that hasn't been PM'd to me, and it was really helpful. Sometimes you miss a few things when you've read something over and over again. I edited the poem below, and fixed the things you mentioned. I even removed a few commas. I get a little over enthusiastic sometimes with punctuation.

When I wrote this poem, I hadn't even listened to Ev yet, and I just didn't feel like changing the title later. I named it Exodus because, it felt like in the poem I was leaving all the pain behind, and heading off into the unknown. I almost named it, "Departure." Maybe I should change it . . .

Actually, whenever I write I've usually got a lot of those. It doesn't happen on purpose, but it's occurring much more frequently. I very rarely go into detail about exactly what I'm talking about. I like to hint at it, and let people form their own ideas as to what I’m saying, and why I’m saying it. Mostly though, it just turns out that way anyhow.

This one was written after a long relationship went sour. I didn't feel like killing myself, but I felt horrible . . .

The first line where I mention that, I'm talking about her. She was cold hearted. In the second one, I'm talking about being cold because of the loss of blood, as you said.

I think that covers everything . . .

Thanks again for your comment.

Nameless

Just noticed there was another poem in here. So I thought since I started this thread in the first place, I should have the decency to comment.

This part is really cool:
One line that troubled me was:

It just runs on too fast and upsets the flow for me. Maybe you should add a comma, or drop the second part down a line. But that would still upset the last line, so I don't know what to suggest . . .

I'm a comma whore anyways, so maybe it's just me.

For the most part, I like it. Great images.
I think it's pretty good . . .

Whispered_Lies

Tis actually a song, I should've said that, lol. But thank you for your comments, I see what you mean about the line you pointed out. It doesn't flow right when I sing it either.

Thanks again! I think its always better to have a critic who will actually criticise, instead of just saying 'ohh, thats good' so thanks!

ectius

I guess I'm due to lay down one of my own. Any comments/critics are welcome, PM not really necessary. This is just more my style than others I've written, but I have more 'defined' ones stashed away.....somewhere.

At a glance

You said
The sun is cold
And the stars have lost their touch forever
You said
The day has shattered
And the night can’t find your pieces.
And I found myself drifting
Outward from their stolid eyes
Cast aside to some
Barren hilltop
Curled up, wishing the
Sunset could lead me to your
Fragments.
But the light faded to
Silence.
And I was swept away
Through bitter tunneled cages,
The sparks of memories
Glinting past my cheeks,
Too cold to reach for them
Too weary to protest
so I lay there forever,
Those intangible reflections
Burning your kiss
through my skin
My scars,
My hands,
My touch as lost
as the stars you
condemned
In me….

sweetwater

wow...`the sparks of memories glinting past my cheeks', and `my touch as lost as the stars you condemned in me' ...great lines.

Nameless

I definity liked the content in this one very much. It does get a little rough in a few places, but I think just running some of your lines together would fix it pretty easily.

Something kind of like that maybe...
I don't know... everybody's different. That's the only thing that distracted me.

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading it.

ectius

lol, yeah. Reading it again, that part was pretty choppy. I tried to emphasize a tad too much, I guess. But I decided on a happy median and edited it.

Thanks for the suggestion and comments.

Luna

Thread is over a week old and is being unsticked.

If the author wishes, they can buy another sticky and keep it up for another week.

Nameless

Since no-one wants to post anything and I've been gone for a month here's somthing to comment on...

----------------------------------------

A pretty, porcelain container.
A smooth profile,
A silhouette of soft perfection.
Containing:
A bouquet of faded water lilies,
Spilling, lavender reflections;
Condescending patterns,
Mildly, across an empty room.

Projecting only, the soft, still glow, of life.

It looks so beautiful.
But . . .

It’s not so beautiful.

Because,
Every special thing inside could fall,
After all.
Leaving only,
A broken vessel.

And so,
What was once, so ravishing,
Becoming brown,
And withering.

And lovely things, perishing,
Prove that love, and life, and joy,
Are not withstanding.

These things lie exposed,
And dyeing.
Beside their broken vessel.

Trying to find their ground,
And grow.

Trying to hold on,
And not let go...