okay, since this thread has died, I thought I'd post one of my poems again. Since I have nothing better to do with my time. Please PM all comments. It's called 'Blue Vein Cheese'.

A knife
falls
on the pale skin
her eyes widen
as the flesh splits open
she whimpers
her lips slowly parting
and she lifts the stained knife
to them.

the veins
are opening
like dead flowers
in a funeral parlour.
they're spilling out
into the flesh
and she giggles.

her mother comes in
and takes one look at her daughter
before sobbing.
she breaks down and cries
like acid rain
burning her soul
the child within
keels over
as the cancer
ravages it's small body
festering sores
appear
on her once
porcelain white
face, lips red
and eyes so blue
like the sky on a summer day
and a deathly whine
falls from her pale lips
stained with lipstick
that looks like
blood

"how could you do this?"
her voice is a hoarse whisper.
the tears burn her skin.

"blue vein cheese"
the girl whispers
digging her fingernails
into it.
"it's my obsession, ma,
I just can't help myself."

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when you say that you are forever my star i'll never let you go.

Nameless, congrats on this thread. Really.

Ok, so my own poem here. I'd rather have you pm your comments, but feel free to post them here. But COMMENT. (I should say criticize.) It's my third poem, so it's REALLY old. Please comment/criticize. Thanks.



Damnation and Redemption

He walks alone throughout the night
Darkness serves as his concealing shroud
As if he were an exiled knight
His darkened soul by his armour bound

His heart, long dead, his spirit damned to hell
Demons clawing at his mind
As if he fell into an endless well
Pure madness turning him blind

His prayers, forsaken, his pleas, ignored
Into a desperate man he has become
Deprived of everything he ever loved
His soul’s torment cannot be overcome

As his essence begins to fade into nothingness
His hands are stained with the blood of old
His souls is lost in a sea of loneliness
Taking the one he loves from his hold

Life and its will escaping his grasp
His sorrow leaves him unable to love at all
His heart unable to change the past
His suffering ends as an angel stops his fall

A new hope lights his path as his mourning vanishes
The curses upon his soul and life rot away
His hollow and darkened soul slowly replenishes
His demons at the angel’s sword have lost the fray

His demons rise again, tormenting his broken heart with dread
Determined not to let him get saved, they tear him down from the skies
A horrible past reflects on the depth, ripping her to shreds
Faster and faster, his sorrows returning as she dies

His story does not have an end
Redemption never comes
His damnation is eternal,
With his hope and faith gone,
There is nothing left to save

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I've wrote about 500 versions of this poem and I want to see what more I can do with it. Post here...rip me apart. I haven't titled it...

You are my poison,
My drug, my liquor,
With every sip,
I'm drowning--quicker.
Addicted to you,
Addicted to pain.
One more hit,
And I'm clearly insane.
All my thoughts
Hanging from your taunt...
Trying to shake this,
But can't fight the want.
Love? Hate?
Who knows? Who can tell?
All I know is
Your drug, YOU...
Is hell.

HOLY SHIT!

People are actually posting in here again?

I thought this thread was done a long time ago…

I always thought it was a good idea, but nobody ever really used it. I’m really surprised that it’s being used again now.

I think I need to go back and add something to the original post though; I think it will help keep people happy with it...

One of the reasons I think that it died for so long is because people are all about getting feedback, but not so big on giving it. So it would really help out, if you decide to post something here, to comment on at least one other person’s work. After all, you can’t really be surprised that you’re not getting any feedback if you’re not willing to give it out yourselves…

Just a thought…

Anyway, I’ll make a comment myself while I’m here, maybe I’ll post something of my own later on today.

I found that this poem flowed very strongly for about the first half, and in general I like it. The only problems I can see with it have to do with pace. In the middle of it, the pace that you established became disrupted, and distracted me...

Pace issues are a lot easier to fix than those that involve content. I found the content fine, and it kept me interested throughout the piece. My best advice is to add a few syllables to some of your lines. Syllables are like the beat to a poem for me. It’s best to just feel it out most of the time, but I think that sometimes, a simple break down of the syllables in each line can help show where the pace might be interrupted…

Here’s one idea of what you could do with it…

You are my poison,
My drug, my liquor,
With every sip,
I'm drowning--quicker.
Addicted to you,
Addicted to pain.
One more hit,
And I'm clearly insane.
All of my thoughts,
Hanging from your taunt...
Trying to shake this,
But I can't fight the want.
Love? Hate?
Who knows? Who can tell?
All I know is
Your drug, YOU...
Is hell.

I only added the words, of, and I, to the whole thing, but I think that it reads a little better that way. It’s all a matter of personal taste though, so keep that in mind as well. The final judge of your own work will always be you…

Thanks for sharing this, I enjoyed reading it.

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Okay, let me have it...

PM me, reply in the thread, whatever...

Here's something I wrote earlier today:


Infatuation:

At first, your eyes sparkled brightly;
Accenting your features…

You blew me a kiss,
And parted the mist,
Before it gathered in my mind…

I’ve searched the tops of mountains;
The depths, and the retreats…

But nothing seems to last,
Quite like,
The kiss that passed between us…

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Nicely done, man. I like it.

Very short, and made it's point clear, which is good. Liked the flow of it, quick, yet very smooth... didn't look like the lines were cut sharply or anything. I LOVED the imagery you used on the second stanza...

You managed to capture the feeling quite well, without even mentioning it. Not a lot of people can do that. Keep up the amazing work... oh, and just so you know, this thread can now be found in the sticky of important links and reads for this forum...

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Okay..Im posting in here for the first time. I will comment other work later but im in a hurry.
I want to improve, so let me have it. I think in order to learn how to write/do anything you have to learn to take the criticism. And if im going to take it I might as well take it from seemingly very knowledgable writers.

A word never spoken,
too safe to soon,
a leap to big
leading to her doom
soft spoken whispers
that kill her inside
leaving behind
her memories of time

soft spoken whispers
led by the thoughts
that tangle up her mind
and keep her confined
keeping quiet showing no signs
regretting the past
of long twisted lies

soft spoken whispers
that broke the silence
follwed by tears...
that show no alliance

Go for it...

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Hey, nice poem Evy_shies. We'll try to give you the best feedback we can.

Ok... first thing: you start 2/3 stanzas in the poem with the same line: that's good, I like that. Emphazises the importance of the whispers. Now... you might want to start your first stanza with that line too. Something like:

A word never spoken, -------> Soft spoken whispers,
too safe to soon,
a leap to big
leading to her doom

Although, I'm not too sure how the second line fits in that stanza... (also, you missed an "o" in a couple of "too"'s in there) It does make sense, but... I'm just not perfectly sure on what you're saying.

I think you could change a few words to improve the sound and flow of the poem... like here:

keeping quiet showing no signs

to

keeping her silent,
Veiling her feelings

(NOTE: at least, that's what I think you mean by "showing no signs")


or in the last stanza:


soft spoken whispers
that broke the silence -----> break the silence
follwed by tears...
that show no alliance

(NOTE: don't over use words like "that," they work in places, but not everywhere)

Also... the ending is too "... Ok, so what now?" for my likes. It works, but it'd be better if you didn't cut the reader off so suddenly. My final advice is to add a few comas here and there.

On a positive note, I like the imagery you used: the memory of whispered words that someone told the girl. I like how the actual whispers (and not the memory) are the ones that torment her and trap her. (well, that's the message I got...)

Of course, the matter on word choice has a lot to do with opinion, so keep that in mind. Keep up the great work... you're very talented. Just a few minor things that could use improving, but content-wise the poem is very rich and well done. Using the contents of a memory rather than the memory itself as imagery is brilliant, and the fact that you use the same line over to emphasize the importance of the whispers in the poem was very neat too. I hope to see more soon, keep writing!

(I hope that didn't turn out too harsh... and, I'll drop by your thread later.)

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Wow, thank you mucho Nameless. I noticed it, too, when I got done with the poem, but I couldnt figure out how to fix it. xD For your poem, I can't really criticize or anything because what came to mind has already been said. I completely agree with Uriel.
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Okay, overall, it was pretty good. I loved the second stanza, especially, "soft spoken whispers/ led by the thoughts/ that tangle up her mind/ and keep her confined." I also liked how you used repetition on "soft spoken whispers," it really drives the point home. The only criticism I have is that, you didn't keep a regular rhyme scheme...I mean, you don't have to, but in my opinion, it flows a lot better if there's regular rhyme throughout. Another thing that threw me was when you used "spoken," without "soft" or "whispers." Unless your intention was to emphasise that word in particular, you could think about using another word instead, so it doesn't sound overly repeated. But, this is only my opinion.

WOW...That was an awesome critique. Thankyou so much. I'll work on it.
And no way, that was not too harsh at all.

And in my thread, Ill make a warning that most of those poems are extremely ridiculously emo. I've grown alot from that state in my life, so Im trying to became a "writer". So those are definetley not things im proud of.

I will return with a critique of my own, and more work! Thankyou guys

*goes to work on poem *

<3 gina

EDIT: And thankyou, because coming from you guys that was a huge compliment. :-)


Edit #2:Okay...So Im not sure how this is going to sound...Im kind of experimenting with it so let me know

Soft spoken whispers
too safe too soon,
a leap too big,
leading to her doom
killing her inside,
leaving behind,
her only memories of time

Soft spoken whispers
led by the thoughts
that tangle up her mind
and keep her confined
keeping her silent,
and regretting the past
of long twisted lies

Soft spoken whispers
break the silence
follwed by tears...
that show no alliance


gaahh...I just relized how un-even it sounds...meh. Oh well, I will continue to work on it.

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