Arcane,

Do you have a link to your thread at all? I tried clicking on the one you had in your signature, but it says it's invalid. Double check that you have the hyperlink entered correctly, and that your thread still exists. It's hard to comment on something you can't see ~.^

Thanks!

End.

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Well. I have something a little different from your doom and gloom poems

Untitled

Fearfully
I sneeze
As dust goes up and tickles my nose

Quietly
I creep
And snake carefully around the rusty coils

Carefully
I grope
In the dark as heavy curtains seal away the light

Finally
I've done it!
Completely submerged, ready to hunt for my prey

Horrified
I recoil
As something slimy touches my hand

With interest
I observe
As my littlest finger starts to glow green

Just in time
I find
My homework, a little crumpled, under my bed.


Rip away.

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-Sophia
All of us have a secret. One of us is a hero. One of us is a fraud. One of us is a junkie. One of us is a cop. One of us is a saint. One of is a sinner. One of us is a martyr. One of us is a murderer. All of us are guilty. All of us are Lost.

Shame, I don't think I'd ever get tired of the "doom and gloom" poems, lol. I do like this little rendition you've put together, in all seriousness. It is nice to see a light-hearted poem.

It's a very playful style, and the ending is quite cute... at least I thought so. I only have a few things that I'd prefer to see you change with it. Some things were a little confusing, but going back and rereading it, I think I can understand where you pulled each bit from. That was clever. Actually, lol... I lied some things I still don't get. Why is your littlest finger glowing green? And there are curtains, lol? Forgive me, I'm a big dumbass when reading something... it's the simple things that I enjoy. ^__________^

I think that your poem needs to be a little bit more synchronized. For example, in the first two lines, you have a set form: An adjective in the first line, that later describes an action in the second line. I think you should keep some kind of similar familiarity with all of the final lines in each of your stanzas. They should have something in common, yet they appear to be just random sentences... and the only thing they share is explanation. I'd like to see more of a resemblance. For instance, you could make sure that all of these lines are within a syllable of each other, or you could start them all the same way... end them the same way... be it with some kind of an action or revelation or even rhyme.

There are so many things that could really bring this poem together, but right now... it feels like it's not quite there. I mean, I understand it, and it feels like it's supposed to be a whole poem, there's just something missing. It needs strengthening. But still, very clever use of adjectives and your wording is all too appropriate.

End.

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Oh, my thread is here:

http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=28555

Yes, it still exists, I just guess my link died. ^^;

Though my personal thread has a lot of other things, such as artwork, graphics, and small wolf-based poems. For this purpose, I would like attention to be focused on the song lyrics, I think I put my best effort into those.

Now to fix the link in my signature!

__________________
~Eagerly awaiting The Open Door. Sweet, sweet October 3rd...<3
~Arcane <3 Name of username, name of dog, name of band.

Okay, I spoke with a dear friend of mine, and she told me of some that she liked. She's a writer herself, and I told her to post here, too. So hopefully she will.

I'll start with two.

They're song lyrics by the one, but the second one kind of has the structure more of a poem. But lyrics are a form of poetry, so it works. X3

Tears

[Verse 1]
Hidden behind the shadows
My mask of lies
Broken by your truth
Shattered my disguise

[Pre-Chorus 1]
I'm but another puppet
In this simple play
You sliced the marionette strings
And stole me away

[Chorus]
I'm listening for a truth
Now that I am a lie
The dreams which break at my feet
All the wishes that die

These drops of sorrow
Falling one by one
A bullet in my soul
A reflection of twilight sun

[Verse 2]
An ocean of blood
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
The innocence reborn in me
Along with hatred and lust

[Pre-Chorus 2]
A web under the pale moon
The threads coated in dew
Crimson stars of phoenix ash
My faith lies within you

[Chorus]
I'm listening for a truth
Now that I am a lie
The dreams which break at my feet
All the wishes that die

These drops of sorrow
Falling one by one
A bullet in my soul
A reflection of twilight sun

[Bridge]
The thorns entwined about my wrists
Slicing the flesh, drawing the blood
You are there to be my tourniquet
My immortal savior, stop the flood

Flowers bloom into this acid rain
Something has risen, a raging pain
I need to find my sanity
For there is no pride in being insane

[Chorus]
I'm listening for a truth
Now that I am a lie
The dreams which break at my feet
All the wishes that die

These drops of sorrow
Falling one by one
A bullet in my soul
A reflection of twilight sun


This one has no chorus, so it's more like poem. But I've seen many songs like this. So, I still count it as song lyrics.
Asylum

A whisper of silence
A reminder of past mistakes
Those ghosts who haunt you
The regrets as you lay awake

Trapped in darkness
Not a window to light your way
"Leave me be, I'm not insane!"
Yet they care not for what you say

Those long hours of loneliness
Shackled and caged
A prisoner of the lies
Unforgiven prices to pay

Your haven a betrayal
Given only by a virus in your blood
Become numb to their chains
In your locked abyss of deceit

Trapped in darkness
(A crepuscular oasis)
Not a window to light your way
(No risen luminescence)
"Leave me be, I'm not insane!"
(Your desperate cry)
Yet they care not for what you say
(Unconcerned for the unforgiven)

Await the eternal fate
Your regrets shall be your demise
Those immortal ghosts

__________________
~Eagerly awaiting The Open Door. Sweet, sweet October 3rd...<3
~Arcane <3 Name of username, name of dog, name of band.

Ergh... I've got some catching up to do. But, I'd like to thank Jane for joining us here. Your comments are very good... it's very nice to have someone whit your knowledge here.

Ok, so let's start... (I'll excuse myself beforehand if I make shorter critics... I'm just VERY short on time these days. I'll try and make a full-out review ASAP)


Caligari_87: Nicely done. Loved the topic, and how you worded it, even if it does vary a little. I don't know as much about writing as our friend Jane here, but... I think it works very well. However, I agree with her on serveral things:

She's right. Those lines are always fun to write, yes, but sometimes, they sound cheesy. To avoid having people think of it that way, you might want to re-word it. maybe somethin like "people/lovers like us..."

Also, some lines would work better if you changed the order of the words or re-worded them. Like this one: "We're somehow different, You and I" I just find that a little redundant... I feel that something like "Somehow, we're different/From the hurried rushing mass" works better. Also, in the second-to-last line, I think "kind" would work better than "species." (I find species too... scientific [for lack of a better word] for the poem)

That's basically all I have to say about it. It's got a nice flow, a great message, and the imagery works well. Good job, you've got some skill man.


Gina/Evvy_shies: Love the poem. Not something you see everyday. It's a great combination of repetion, dark and creepy imagery, and contradicting feelings that works very well. (then again, this poem can be interpreted in many ways, and I've got a twisted little mind, so I'll understand if you [or anyone else for that matter] didn't see it how I did... )

However, you seem to be having some trouble with your english... even though it doesn't take away from the poem, it makes it slightly confusing to read sometimes. For example, I'm PRETTY sure you meant "shudder" instead of "shutter."

Your wording is a little edgy. You need to work on it. Look at this line:

It could work as "I shook IN fear, knowing you were out for the kill/to kill".
And the verb tenses aren't working that well in these two:

Changing the "caused" to BEFORE "every bruise" makes all the difference in the world in those two lines. It sounds a lot better.

This line could be worded differently... maybe change it to something like "You hurt me once/when I let you know I was ("all" could work) alone"

It depends on personal opinion too. But, instead of changing "lonesome" I'd try removing the "one". If you don't feel like removing it, then synonyms like "secluded" or "desolate" might work. If you're feeling a little more "I want that night to be the worst it can be" try things like " that acursed" "that one damned" or stuff like that...

It's got a powerful message, and you get it through very well. I like it a lot. Keep it up Gina, you're pretty good at this. (PS: I'm trying to get through your thread, but I haven't quite made it yet... T_T sorry)


Slayer2003: heh... nice job. I like trick poems like that, that they seem to go one way, but they're really going somewhere else.

So, to rip away... the two stanzas before the last are rather confusing. What is that slimy thing (especially under your bed)? and why did your finger turn GREEN? You might want to explain better.

Also, if you're up to it, you could change the imagery and the wording a little as to make the poem darker, to add a better twist at the end. That last stanza was too broken up... too many pauses in the last line, and the second line just doesn't work too well. Read it outloud, pausing and stuff, see how it sounds. Also, I think you should add a smile somewhere in the end... after all, I'd be smiling once I found my homework (especially in relief), and it'd emphazise the twist.

The last thing would be to do as Jane said, to relate the thrid line of every stanza somehow. That'd make the poem a lot better.

Nicely done. A funny poem that worked very well. Next time, don't tell us it's different... we'd all enjoy the suprise. Keep up the great work!

And Arcane, I'll post on your songs tomorrow, seeing as I need to crash now. Sorry. But so long as I'm a minor, the rules are the rules. *sighs* being a teenager sucks so bad sometimes...

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"Through the Eyes of Teens"

Our generation, modest and beautiful.

Our views, opinionated and political.

Kids of the future, will be inhertited by parents of the present.

The journey in which each minority faces, can easily collapse into itself.

Apathy, ignorance, and hate taint our growing minds.

We achieve all that we can, yet succeed in all that we couldn't.

We attend schools to learn, and we leave educated.

We grow to get employed, and leave paid for good work.

We view the world as an inconstant ride,

One in which there never seems to be a stop to.

We turn and turn, hit the highpoints, then fall.

We use what we have to view the world:

News,

Technology,

Schools,

and experiences.

We all have a breakdown in which we'll rise from.

Although young, we ourselves hold answers.

Answers that past generations have never seen before.

We're kids. Minors. Young Adults. Teens. People.

We see, breathe, touch, smell, and feel.

You torture us, we're tainted.

You educate us, we learn.

You tell us, we listen.

You show us, we see.

And with that, we understand.

We'll grow up, and become adults.

Have responsibility, and choices.

We'll make sacrifices, and we'll gain more in return.

We are people. Delinquents. Minorities. Geeks. Losers. Labels. Jocks.

We're all that puts us in a place.

A place that further leads us into our journeys.

Our journeys which end to fascinating destinations.

And when our generation ends, we'll become old.

We'll teach our next generation what we learned.

And from it, they'll learn too.

We can only hope that we struggle in this world to make it.

Achieve. Live. Prosper.

But mostly, learn.

We will all be here.

Waiting for more teens to listen.

To start a revoulution.

To show others.

To lead them to self discovery.

So that all of us can see the world for what it truly is.

Beautiful and miraculous.







"Heavenly Pimp"

I went down on a priest in the confessional,

And he told me that I would be saved.

Next thing I knew, I'm free of sin.

And I kiss the messiah's feet.

Oh boy, he died on a cross, and I remember how you were born.

I was in the orgy with Joseph and Mary,

Making all the world's beliefs entwine.

I came first, then Joseph came next,

But I knew her baby'd be mine.

So she posed as a saint,

So no one's to blame,

And that's when I made her lick mine.

It was then on that silent night, that you my son was born.

In that little town of Bethlehem, the three wise men turned and said,

"Whoever fucked her is a fine ass pimp."

And after, the men had a hand-job party,

And I knew that this world would be sick.

Later when you grew, your balls barely dropped,

Told the Romans who you were.

And after, you were nailed on a cross,

And on the third day, your spirit flew.

And after days in Jerusalem, I heard the girls say,

"Jesus loved it when I blew him."

That was then that I gang-banged Mary and Joseph, and said,

"Damn, our son was a pimp."

Hey, this thread is alive!
I've got a few poems that I'm not so sure about, would appreciate help with them.

Unnamed Spider:

Myriad misdecisions
Miscommunications
Come to call too soon
Choices loom in place
The ground is moist, lies waste
Face the door ajar
So far
So far away

I am crawling upside down upon the ceiling
Dripping on my head instead of flipping back to real
I don't want to feel
Steal away spider
To your sticky den
Fen and fennel frame
The game
The game is done


Bird:

You are soft and fragile
Like snow, like frost
So delicate on glass-panes and in air
The needle-trace of faded line
Sharp, exacting, crystalline
A budding branch in monochrome, aware

Execute the latest news
Fine-spun won't amuse
Broken, tattered, battered by the wind
You are sad and vulnerable
Like hands, like eyes
Butterflies
Sweep a silky sigh into the gloom
Faint trace of perfume

Whisper softly . . . aviation
Wisping gently . . . full gyration
Feather glides down tremulous . . . hesitant . . .

__________________

Ok, so I've got some time to comment. Let's get on to it...

Arcane: Wow. Great songs. Tears is AMAZING. It's got a very nice rythm to it (or, at least, that's what I get from what I see) and it flows very smoothly. Some advice... you could try shortenning some of the longer sentences. NOTE: only those that won't lose their meaning... such as "You sliced the marionette strings" to "You sliced the/my strings". Also, you might want to look carefully at what you really want to say sometimes... is your faith IN the phoenix ashes instead of WITHIN? Do the flowers bloom IN the acid rain, or INTO it? Since I'm not sure what you mean, I can't say much about that, but I'm just pointing it out in case.

Other than that, "Tears" is definetely an amzing song. I love everything about it.

"Asylum" is definetely something else. Loved how you repeated the second stanza, and how you described the feeling of being in an asylum. I couldn't find anything wrong with it.


The Reaper: wow. Unusual writing.

First poem...

Liked the topic. However, here's what I feel went wrong... For one, too long. It's too complex... try and simplify your thoughts, and choose the most important things there to shorten it. You end up giving a feeling of redundance at times, which is different from repetion: repetition is to emphasise, but redundance just makes it sound like you're making the same point over and over again. Like the one on how teenagers grow... (the learning and work etc...)

Also, avoid periods. They give too much pause to the poem. Try keeping a steady flow throughout the entire poem. Your lines are uneven, and that doesn't work too well for this type of poem.

As for the second poem... I'll refrain from posting on it, at least for now. I've had a rather tough last few weeks, and seeing as I'm rather religious, my critique will probably come out rather biased. So, in spirits of giving you the critique you deserve, I'll wait till things settle down a bit till I comment on that one. Cheers.


Oh, and Paratextus... I'd LOVE to leave a comment today, but I'm REALLY short on time... so, sorry about that. I'll get back to those two tomorrow.

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I'm glad you like them. ^^ It's good to see. So few people comment on my thread anymore, I was losing confidence in it.

"Tears," is quite confusing at some points. Personally, I blame Nightwish, getting me hooked on that sort of abstract feeling.
I like the word "marionette," though. XD

As for the phoenix ash thing, these two lines:
"Crimson stars of phoenix ash
My faith lies within you."
Aren't completely connected. The second line doesn't speak of the contents of the first, rather the "person," whoever it is, the song sings to, the "you" referred to throughout it.

But I can try to get it to make more sense.

I think I'll post another one, too.

Untitled (Aka: Song #30 X3)

[Verse 1]
Sold my soul
To the midnight eyes
Voice so cold
The truth lingers in your lies

[Pre-Chorus 1]
So sick of this
Hope, can you bring to me
The winter's kiss
Serenity, can you set me free?

[Chorus]
Behold the eternal life
Of my immortal roses
Colliding black with white
Merging shadow and light
Day into night
Behold the final dance
My final flight

[Verse 1]
Under the glass an ocean lies
The unforgiven sins
Behind the mirror my soul hides
Lying forever within

[Pre-Chorus 2]
The light graces me
Embraced in embers so pure
The darkness grants to me a remedy
Engulfed in shadows, my cure

[Chorus]
Behold the eternal life
Of my immortal roses
Colliding black with white
Merging shadow and light
Day into night
Behold the final dance
My final flight

[Bridge]
Over the hills rises the dawn
Reborn once more into the sky
Soon the sun again shall be gone
Night shall consume the child's cry

My tears are on display
The ocean beneath the glass
I want to look the other way
The shards shatter at last

[Chorus]
Behold the eternal life
Of my immortal roses
Colliding black with white
Merging shadow and light
Day into night
Behold the final dance
My final flight

The rhyme in the chorus is slightly different, I am aware of that. I don't always see rhyme as something completely sacred, since it's not a requirement.

I'll keep posting my songs as long as people are willing to read them, too. I hope you don't mind me posting often. ^^;

__________________
~Eagerly awaiting The Open Door. Sweet, sweet October 3rd...<3
~Arcane <3 Name of username, name of dog, name of band.