Ok, this will not be long because there is a LOT of stuff here.

Uriel: Awesome rhyming. So often rhyme takes away from the emotion and beauty but yours enhances it. It's a beautiful poem.

Arcane: I should have said this before but reading your songs inspired me so much. And this is also related to what agentpudge said about abstraction. I don't know, but for a while I've been trying to write in other people's styles, and your songs and comments made me want to go back to just writing for me and not trying to spell out a meaning for everyone. So thanks for that. [/sappyMissWorldspeech] I think your songs are great. I'm sorry I'm not really giving criticism here, but the talent in here is high, and you have a style that really works.

Cryptic: Nice poems! I like your use of imagery - the way you phrase things is very effective. And in one of them, Wilting Rose, I love your extended spider metaphor. Very good. Your style is interesting too, the way the lines are related but they don't necessarily flow from one to the next. It's a perfectly good style but you could try to write so that each line continues to the next rather then being separate from each other. That's just a suggestion, your poems are good, but experimentation is really good with helping you find your strengths.

psycho_fish: Thanks for the comment! I love the concept of your poem. It seemed like everyone thought that it was such a special day and I couldn't help thinking that it... wasn't and that there were so many people who could be sad and in pain. Onto your actual poem, I like it! The rhyme is good - it has a definite beat but it's not to constricted. But the thing that takes away from the poem is the commas. They're not necessary. The rhythm in the poem dictates how it's read, so the punctuation doesn't need to be there. I was thinking how to improve it, and this is what I came up with. It's not perfect, or even any better, but it's less distracting.

Also, it was hard to format because you had a really strong beat going until these lines:
The word 'hate' doesn't really rhyme and it throws you off. And then you went into:

This is different from the previous rhythm. Maybe if you had written a few more lines before it - perhaps ones that rhymed with 'hate' - this could have seemed like a more natural transition. I really liked your concept, and the first part was great - it just started to wander a bit.

Wow, this took a lot longer than I thought it would... So, I'm sorry if I wasn't all that helpful, and I'm sorry if I didn't get to you (so i could be a non-help to you too) and I'm sorry if I'm waaay off in what you're trying to say with your poems. I try!

ok... let's get back to business. It's been a while, but since I'll be gone for about a week, I decided to critique everything before I left. So, let's get on with this... *cracks fingers*

Arcane: I think I've gotten used to your particular style of writing by now... Nice job on the song. Very smooth and effective flow for the mood of the song. Made me picture more or less some sort of music video in my head. Not a lot of songs do that. (Or maybe I'm just weird... XD in either case, it's a very good thing) I absolutely LOVED the chorus... particularily these two lines:

Behold the final dance
My final flight

Very powerful, they work well in a Chorus. Nice use of light and shadow imagery, not a lot of people can use it without sounding cliché. However, you should make a few changes here and there on some words, as to not make it sound too casual. For instance...

Over the hills rises the dawn
Reborn once more into the sky
Soon the sun again shall be gone
Night shall consume the child's cry

"more" would work better as "again", and on the third line, "will" would work better than shall. The "again" could be either removed or put after "gone". but... I'd suggest looking for synonims, in case you want to change the "more" to "again" so that you don't sound too repetitive.

Good job with the rhyming scheme. Very concise, and it doesn't make the song sound forced. All in all, a great job. Just work a lil bit on your word choice.

Back again... Sorry for quickness, but I gotta be fast...

Cryptic: Excelent job on the songs. On Breathless, a few problems regarding grammar here and there, such as here:

Revenge I shall take on you

"I Shall" would work better before "Revenge". Think about that. Also, "vibrating" would work better as shaking. On positive notes, the chorus is just amazing. The song is very strong, and sends a clear message. Very nice work, especially with the flow and mood of it.

With Wilting Rose...

Nice work. All worked well. Again, grammar/word choice.

Leaving me
You leave me
Stranded and torn
One without a purpose

I'm not entirely sure what the "One" is doing there... you might want to take it out. Other than that, excellent message and nice use of Symbolism. Liked how you repeated the bit on lies and webs. Well done.

Finally, Turmoil. Very hate-filled, I feel. You were going for sadness, and you got that well, but I managed to sense a deep hate hidden somewhere along the way. I dunno. Maybe I'm reading too in between the lines. Anyways...

“Life loves, love life”

This line... something's missing. You might want to explain what life is loving, which would also help explain why one should love life. Other than that, this is a very good piece. Very good word choice, and the flow is nice. Keep up the good work!


i-miss-roses: Nice song. I liked the flow and imagery on it. Nice use of repetition (not sure of the proper name in english), and good imagery. Just be careful with the word choice... "Posionous" might work better than "Poison Ivy". Just a thought. Look around, see if you can find more. (sorry, just EXTREMELY short on time)

psychofish: Great poem. Liked the flow of it bery much, even if it does get disrupted around the lines mentioned by i-miss-roses. Loved how you ended it, thoug you missed an "S" on "cares".

Stillbornheart: Nicely done. Liked how you worded it. Be careful with the length of some lines though.

Sorry for the shortness people, I got kicked out. I will get back to you sometime next week, I promise.

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I thought I'd post my newest song. I wrote it yesterday.

It's based off the phrase "Sirens after midnight." That is the title I want to use for our band's first album name, once Arcane (see where I get the username? X3) gets established and such.

Sirens After Midnight

(Listen to my...)
Softly spoken whispers
(These are my...)
Sirens after midnight

Under the moon
Beneath the stars
lies my fairytale
Lost in forbidden light

The call of the beast
Who dwells in me
A cursed lullaby
Dark but beautiful
These are my
(Listen to my...)
Sirens after midnight

The rose among the thorns
Beyond the looking glass
The sweet song of mine
Entwining my fate

(Hear me)
These wounded cries
(My sirens)
My sirens after
(sirens after...)
Sirens after midnight

Let my silent screams
Carry you...
To the second star to the right
To atlantis and beyond
To the castle in the woods
To neverland and everdream
Through forever, among eternity

Nothing more, forevermore
The wind carrying her rain
To fall inside my soul
To howl inside my heart

(Listen to my...)
Softly spoken whispers
(These are my...)
Sirens after midnight

The call of the beast
Who dwells in me
A cursed lullaby
Dark but beautiful
These are my
(Listen to my...)
Sirens after midnight

By the way, if you guys are getting sick of me, lemme know, and I'll stop posting for a while. XD

I'm also still trying to re-work the first verse in my last song that I posted. Once I'm satisfied with the result, I'll post it again, so you might be able to see the change it's gone through.

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~Eagerly awaiting The Open Door. Sweet, sweet October 3rd...<3
~Arcane <3 Name of username, name of dog, name of band.

Oh shut up... of course no one's getting sick of you. Please. If you stopped posting for that reason, then you're just ridiculous, lol. Keep 'em coming.

I really like this song. I like what you decided to do with some of the lines.... in the addition of what would be backup vocals - it's great... really ties the whole thing together, and I feel as if this is a really effective piece. One of the things I love so much about songs is that they're much easier to compose (in my opinion) in comparison to poetry.

This song is able to work on so many levels. The first part of it that I've got in orange, are two lines that I don't think go together and to contribute to the flow of your song. I tried it a couple of different ways, and it just sounds plain awkward to have it so stop and go between those two. Everything else flows right into each other... fluid sentences; perhaps if you added "that is dark but beautiful" or something to that effect to complete it, the verse would work much better.

I know what effect you were going for in the next verse I quoted. It's a great idea, and I really like it, but the "star to the right" part also kind of hinders the flow of your song. I couldn't imagine having to sing that and have it come off smoothly. It's basically the repetition of "to the" twice in the line, I think that throws it off. Either just eliminate it, or rework it to make sense. You should also probably capitalize Atlantis and Neverland. They are important places after all, lol.

Personally, I think this is a great song, and you should get it recorded and up here so we can give it a listen, lol... I'd love to hear it.

Total props to you man for actually setting aside the time to critique all of these. I just don't think I'd have the time. I do it when I can, but even then I'll only pick up the most recent one or two. That really is awesome of you, and people better be repping your ass for all your kindness.

End.

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can you forgive me,
for what i've done?
you havent screwed up,
i'm so sorry,
i couldn't keep your promise
but you're gonna do better
without me,
you deserve much better,
you shouldnt disagree
you know its true
i'm sorry if i hurt you
i dont want you to be hurt
anymore,
theres no other way,
theres nothing else to do,
you can see how deep it cuts,
you can see how much it hurts,
dont look for me,
i'll be fine,
i wont hurt you anymore,
you'll be happier.

a really sad and personal thing i wrote,

its about a promise a freind asked me to keep but i broke because of stuff in my life......

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amo-te para sempre carla
http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=31607 please check my art

I have taken time and did some editting to that one song I posted here a while back.

It also has a name now!

Of Raven and Dove

Bound by lies
Deceived and betrayed
The bitterness in thine eyes
Living in a world decayed

So sick of this
Hope, can you bring to me
The winter's kiss
Serenity, can you set me free?

Behold the eternal life
Of my immortal roses
Colliding black with white
Merging shadow and light
Day into night
Behold the final dance
My final flight

Under the glass an ocean lies
The unforgiven sins
Behind the mirror my soul hides
Lying eternally within

The light graces me
Embraced in embers so pure
The darkness grants a remedy
Engulfed in shadows, my cure

Behold the eternal life
Of my immortal roses
Colliding black with white
Merging shadow and light
Day into night
Behold the final dance
My final flight

Over the hills rises the dawn
Reborn once again into the sky
Soon the sun will be gone
Night shall consume the child's cry

My tears are on display
The ocean beneath the glass
I want to look the other way
The shards shatter at last

Behold the eternal life
Of my immortal roses
Colliding black with white
Merging shadow and light
Day into night
Behold the final dance
My final flight

I'm still not sure if that first verse is any better. I know the last verse didn't catch much interest, so I tried to rewrite it so that it would draw you in better. But I'm not sure if I was successful or not.
If it still needs work, mainly the first verse, I'm open to suggestions.

I also have written two new songs that I'm quite proud of. I'll post one now. So that you won't have to read too many. ^^;;

Fallen From Grace

Encased in fear...

Tainted
(By hate)
Blessed
(In death)
Forsaken
(Of life)
No more nightmares tonight

Dwelling in your mercy
Upon my knees before your madness
The sins you commit
Your bitter vanity

Bound by your crimes
Entwined with your lies
Nothing more than your puppet
(Cut the strings, set me free)
My blood, your pleasure
Bleed no more
(Please don't let me bleed anymore)

My destiny flashes before me
Pointless illusions
Sadistic visions of fear
Your greed and selfishness
Wrapped about me
Thorns in the flesh

Tainted
(By hate)
Blessed
(In death)
Forsaken
(Of life)
No more nightmares tonight

My pride sliced to nothing
By your lustful blade
Yearning for the blood
Within my veins of glass

Shatter

Everything shatters
Falling down on you
Falling down on me
Fates twisted
You and I
Like the scars upon my flesh
Created from your greed

Bloodlust

A forsaken soul
Destined for the flames of hell
No priest can save you
No saint can redeem me
Erase the blood spilled

Tainted
(By hate)
Blessed
(In death)
Forsaken
(Of life)
No more nightmares tonight

We're clinging to our final rope
The clock ticks away
Time cannot be undone
Stars in the night sea
To burn out, but never be forgotten

I want to save you
(Rescue you)
Wipe away your bitterness
(Redeem you)
I want to save you
(I forgive you
I forgive you)
You have broken my wings
But I want to restore your soul

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~Eagerly awaiting The Open Door. Sweet, sweet October 3rd...<3
~Arcane <3 Name of username, name of dog, name of band.

Okay. I haven't been here enough in a long, long time to actually keep up with this thread...so I'm going to start right from the last person's critique.

Psychofish-- It's interesting, and pretty good, but maybe you can make the beats steadier. It's kind of distracting when you have something flowing one way and then it all of a sudden changes up without a pattern. Also, think about maybe taking longer breaks, possibly by breaking it into stanzas, when you switch between thoughts.
For Example:

Quote:

can you forgive me, for what i've done? you havent screwed up, i'm so sorry. (You can make a break here, because you're changing from what you've done and how you feel about it.) i couldn't keep your promise but you're gonna do better without me, you deserve much better, you shouldnt disagree you know its true (Here, too, because you're convincing her that you're sorry and explaining exactly what you did.) i'm sorry if i hurt you i dont want you to be hurt anymore. (Also here, because you're repeating how sorry you are.) theres no other way, theres nothing else to do, you can see how deep it cuts, you can see how much it hurts, dont look for me, i'll be fine, i wont hurt you anymore, you'll be happier.And then this last stanza is relating to yourself.

See, you keep changing direction and intentions. If you break it up into stanzas, the thoughts are more fluid and separated instead of being a run-on sentence.

Arcane
Of Raven And Dove
The first verse, is good, but you're right, it kind of lacks compared to the rest of it. I absolutely love, LOVE, the chorus you keep repeating. I am in love with it. Maybe, (and this is just a suggestion) you can actually start out with the comparision of raven darkness and dove light. Maybe that could draw you into it and really relate to the rest.
Fallen From Grace
I loved it. The imagery was great. Excellent. The only thing that bothered me in the whole poem was this:
That last line had many more syllables than the rest of the lines in that stanza and most of the poem, too. It kinda disrupted the flow a little when read, although I'm not sure how you'd play it out with music and that can completely change the way it is read.


I-Miss-Roses
I liked it a lot. The description was a powerful tool in yuor poem...but there were two places that kind of bugged me.

Quote:

It was supposed to be simple; two words for scar-tissue and a metaphorical suicide, but I was bleeding again and again,

This line does not make any sense to me, it's almost like it doesn't even belong. I love where it's going with the "metaphorical suicide" you're describing, but you may want to clear that line up.
And then the way you end it just kinda blah's out.

Quote:

I finally understood you. Hands around metal, you crooned.) ‘don’t you feel powerful.’ And you were. so beautiful I cried, but I didn’t feel better.

It was so interesting until the very end.
I think after "and you were," you should take a long pause to let it set in. And then that last line...you should end the poem with a sort of...punchline. You kind of ended it and that was it. Maybe think of a more powerful way to say that you didn't feel better.

Stillborn_Heart
I'm going to comment this one in sections.
UHHHH...So smile on, pretend to care Why is the Uhhhh there?
You patron saint of sin
This isn't just a game to ME
Like it was back then Nice work setting it up.

My heart cannot be captive now
In rose red shackles bound
Instead you tie me up with lace This makes no sense. You just said you were tied with red shackles...and now you changed your mind...try and fix that. Maybe say "Also, you tie me up with lace"?
And place me underground

So no one knows your secret and
So no one knows I'm gone I like the repetition.
I scream and cry, but no one smiles
Or takes me from your lawn Where did a lawn come from?

Now here I lay
For you to come
And let me live
Under the sun
Or here I lay
For you to share
This grave with me
But you're not there. This was nice, although the rhyme kind of takes away from the intentions you have there. You're so worried about rhyming stuff in this whole thing that it starts to make no sense, for example, the "lawn" line.


Okay, so that was my two cents. Sorry for the long post. xP
I'll post a poem sometime later this week.

Quote:

And then that last line...you should end the poem with a sort of...punchline. You kind of ended it and that was it. Maybe think of a more powerful way to say that you didn't feel better.

Wow, you are so right there; I couldn't think of a last line at all. Thanks! I rewrote that. It's probably not any better at all, but it's a start in the right direction. Thanks so much!

[poem removed]



I have a feeling that there should be another bit in between the second and third stanzas. Ahh, I'm really stuck on this. *sigh* Yes, I'm unsatisfied with this ending. I'll rewrite again and post back here. Any advice in the meantime would be greatly, greatly appreciated!

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