Stillborn_Heart
You've accomplished something I can never do: a poem in meter that doesn't sound oppressively rhythmic.
Just a few comments:
Really beautiful and effective, I think; not much I would change.


Arcane
I loved this verse, but then I got to the last line . . . and it didn't rhyme.
That really threw me off.

As I think someone else said, this verse is just wonderful.

PLEASE don't stop!

Hmmm . . .
That does seem to be a problem stanza.
Maybe you could introduce the poem in a different (slower, if that makes sense) meter?
Or something that didn't rhyme?
I agree.
That might set the tone for the whole poem well indeed.

The rest is just beautiful, although I'm still having a problem with this line:
I dunno; I guess that's just me



i-miss-roses, LOVE the poem
you write so well
I think that this second stanza is a perfect marriage of meaning and imagery.
It's beautiful, but I can always follow what you're talking about.
The first one is a little less direct, which makes it a little less appealing to me.
But that's just a matter of personal taste, I think.
I agree that this last part still needs something.
I like this imagery, but maybe you could say it more concisely?
I'm not sure how though; you can probably put it better than I could.

I don't know now.
I really liked how the first time you said
That really jumped out at me.


And finally, thank you so much everyone who posts critiques in this thread.
It is much appreciated.
This is a poem I wrote a couple days ago.
I think it's lacking something, but for the life of me I can't decide what.

November Dead:
Silent leaves cringe and crackle
No, before that
Keening trees stripped of leaves
Torn between the bleak blue sky
And bitter cold
Something is coming
Tears on a tomb
Expectant
Echo in the tortured trees
'Neath solitary sun

Oh well.
I fail.

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Ah, praetextus, that first verse you pointed out was from "Sirens After Midnight," and from reading the rest of the song, you should've realised, it doesn't rhyme, it's a more free-form type.

"The rose among the thorns
Beyond the looking glass
The sweet song of mine
Entwining my fate," isn't the only verse that doesn't rhyme. The whole song is that way. Some of my songs rhyme, some of them don't.

I'm kind of surprised you pointed out that the fourth verse in that song didn't rhyme, when neither did the first three verses. o.o That was rather odd. But I thought I'd point it out.

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~Eagerly awaiting The Open Door. Sweet, sweet October 3rd...<3
~Arcane <3 Name of username, name of dog, name of band.

Yes, of course, you are entirely right.
My mind is very strange.
I think it registered subconsciously that the song wasn't rhyming
and yet . . .

Well anyways, for SOME reason I was surprised when I saw "fate" there



even if I have absolutely no idea why.

Maybe it had something to do with the meter? The downbeat is on "twine," so there are only four syllables proper in the last line, as opposed to the five in the other three.
On further examination, I think it does—the last two lines are dactyl-esque (short long short short long)
but the first two are longer (short long short short short long)
(I'm thinking of Latin again. Long is stressed; short is unstressed.)
I'm not sure.
This problem would bear consideration by someone more coherent than I.


very confused . . .

:sigh:
my pathetic powers of reasoning make me laugh.

EDIT:
Now that I read the verse back in the context of the song, it sounds completely natural.
So scratch everything I just said: I like it; it's great

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Stillborn_Heart
I'm going to comment this one in sections.
UHHHH...So smile on, pretend to care Why is the Uhhhh there?
You patron saint of sin
This isn't just a game to ME
Like it was back then Nice work setting it up.

My heart cannot be captive now
In rose red shackles bound
Instead you tie me up with lace This makes no sense. You just said you were tied with red shackles...and now you changed your mind...try and fix that. Maybe say "Also, you tie me up with lace"?
And place me underground

So no one knows your secret and
So no one knows I'm gone I like the repetition.
I scream and cry, but no one smiles
Or takes me from your lawn Where did a lawn come from?

Now here I lay
For you to come
And let me live
Under the sun
Or here I lay
For you to share
This grave with me
But you're not there. This was nice, although the rhyme kind of takes away from the intentions you have there. You're so worried about rhyming stuff in this whole thing that it starts to make no sense, for example, the "lawn" line.

The uhh wasnt supposed to be there...it was an axident...it was saying that I COULD NOT be bound in rosy shackle...INSTEAD i would be wrapped in lace...makes sense to me...and the lawn, which it clearly states, is where she buried me...the end lol

oh and thx 4 the props praetextus

whoa... I'm glad this thread has made a huge jump out of dead-ness to undead-ness and then to alive-ness. The only bad thing is that there's too much stuff to critique in one go... *is shocked by the ammount of work* I'll see what I can do.

Arcane: Whoa, lotsa stuff from you. Nice. If you can find the time to drop by and review someone else's work, that'd be greatly appreciated. Anyways... for "Sirens After Midnight": I liked it a lot. Good flow, everything changes from verse to verse very well. You can tell where one ends and the next starts very well when you're singing it. The only thins is wording here and there... for example, you might want to reffer to the "beast" as a "that" not "who". Vyer nice wording otherwise, and it still has your signature "strangeness" to it. Well done. In "Of Raven and Dove" I just loved the symbolism. The first stanza... "thine" is old enlgish for "mine". I think you mean "thy" (your). Also, this line

Over the hills rises the dawn

Is a bit off... sure, it rhymes with gone, but... you might want to re-word it to something like "See the rise of the dawn," just a suggestion though. I'll get through the third later.

psychofish: Very sad poem. Still, not the classic one. Very well worded, and a nice flow to it. However... the ending kills it.

i wont hurt you anymore,
you'll be happier.

it's sad, powerful, and emotional piece... and to end it that way just kills it. It's not so much the "I won't hurt you anymore", it's the "You'll be happier." That sounds like a statement. No emotion whatsoever. Think about that.

I'll get to the rest later....

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2 new things:

heres my new thing, its got 2 parts:

part 1:

I'm a screw up,
I'm a failure,
i'm a damn mess,
don't look at me,
I'm the problem,
I'm whats hurting you,
can you let me go?
can you let me dissapear?
I wish i could turn
back the clock,
stop me from hurting you,
do your best,
forget me,
can you live happily?
dont look for me,
dont try and find me,
can you forgive me,
for breaking your promise?
can you forgive me
for what i've done?
for what i'll do?


Part 2:

why?
why is there something wrong
with everyone i care for,
is it my fault?
why do my freinds
have to hurt?
why does it have to be broken?
why do i do this?
why do i hurt them?
why do i stay,
when it hurts them more,
i shouldn't be here,
i cant hurt them,
i cant make them cry,
i cant make them bleed,
when it really should be me,
i should be the one who bleeds,
i should be the one who's dying,
please forgive me when i die,
for all i made you cry.

well there it is its still quite personal though

and:

your a liar,
your a liar,
your a liar,
your empty,
your blind,
you cant see
what you've done to me,
you betrayed me,
you lied,
a part of me died,
you didn't care,
theres something wrong,
i cant beat this
sickness,
its eating away at me,
i wish i could just fly free,
holes inside me,
red scars burning outside me,
i cant fight it,
i cant beat it,
thanks to you,
you liar,
you bastard,
you uncaring prick!

this ones about betrayal

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amo-te para sempre carla
http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=31607 please check my art

i-miss-roses
You're welcome! And wow, you've made an entirely different ending!
I honestly think the 2nd and 3rd stanzas flow very well together.
For the ending...it is more powerful but...it doesn't tie as well in my opinion. Maybe you could try adding a line or two just to connect the last stanza to the one before it, because I'm not so sure where the falling comes in?

Stilborn_Heart
OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm sorry! I must have mis-read it. The way you've explained it, it does make much more sense...I just couldn't pick it out the first time I read it.

I'll finish with the rest later...I gotta go for a bit.

psycho_fish,

I read your two pieces. I'm not sure what to say about the first one, in my own honest opinion, it was too much. It got to a point where nothing was making an impression (while I read) and it turned into one big ramble. I think you need to question your excessive use of repetition in that one... or the length of the poem. Perhaps you need to sacrifice the length of the poem, or the the shortness of the lines. As a whole it doesn't work for me, and I'd suggest just rewriting it in a different form or style. There's just too much being said, and not enough of it is getting through - for me anyway.

I loved your second one though. The repetition in this one was very effective. I really liked this one, and there were only a few things that I would change with it.

I'd change those last two lines to:

I can't beat it;
This sickness,

I think that makes for a better flow for you. It's because this and sickness end your two lines... and that doesn't give your poem the breathing room it needs to recover from that. So it throws off the reading, but if you space them out, you can still maintain the quickness and fierceness of the poem, without getting stuck.

This was the only other place I had a problem The second and last line here don't work. It doesn't fit with the style you're using, which is a fresh and relieving style, so I'd prefer you to keep it going throughout. I've thought about it and this would be my suggestion:

It's eating away at me,
I can't just fly free;
There's holes inside me,
And red scars burning
Outside me,

Or something else like that. I think that helps to keep your flow much better though; however, I'm not sure that I like it quite yet, but I keep going back and forth between the two and I can tell I'm starting to confuse myself, lol. Yeah, I'm not sure, but it's hard because I don't exactly know how you want the lines to sound... and I don't want to go too far from what you have here.

And oh the ending. Lovely. Keep it... the ending is just. I love the "you bastard / you uncaring prick!" it's just perfect. But I really do hope that you rewrite that first one... unless I'm the only one that has this much of an issue with it. If majority rules, then hey - whatever... it just didn't work for me, in any sense.

Good luck, and keep writing!

End.

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Sorry, no critiques today... I'm not supposed to be on, so I'll just post a poem and run. Feel free to rip it apart

Why the hell should I?

The night sets iin
Leaving me unable to find
A way out of my mind
Before the darkness begins

My heart grows cold
As the voices in my head
Replace my hope with dread
This story never grows old

I feel a pit within my chest
As my sorrows learn to swim
Coming and going at a whim
Leaving me alone only to rest

I fear my reflection
The thought of being real
And not knowing if I'll ever heal,
Or suffer my sainity's dessertion

Fearing these feelings of woe
And thoughts of death breeding
While my grip on reality is slipping
I don't want to let go

Of the things I care for the most
But this endless white
Only blocks salvation's light
In this white night, I am but a ghost

Is this my soul's fate?
To drown in depression,
Unable to take the pressure?
It feels like it's too late

...Even if it wasn't,
It'd make no difference...
Seems no body cares about me...

So why the hell should I?

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