agentpudge

thank you very much for your advice comments and critisism, i'm working on some new stuff to post soon

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amo-te para sempre carla
http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=31607 please check my art

wow
that's an another brilliant poem
how you could write so perfect things?

"I fear my reflection
The thought of being real
And not knowing if I'll ever heal,
Or suffer my sainity's dessertion"

I loved this part

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Myspace | My stuff, my thoughts...

ONCE UPON A TIME (PART ONE)
There was a time I’d see you smile
But fangs would not reveal
The meaning of your true intent
The love you kept concealed
That tastes of blood and from your mouth
I see those kisses drip
And leave a stain on tattered clothes
From lovely parted lips
Your curse is but a fairy tale
I wish upon a star
That it would be the real deal
Revealing who you are

JUST A QUIKKIE

Ok, I'm going to make this short and to the point:

Follow his advice: GIVE criticism, don't just post your work here. It's VERY hard for three people to get through all the poems here, so EVERYONE please contribute in some way. Thanks.

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good poem uriel...i didnt understand it tho...
Lol j/k

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Listen to Stillborn Hearts And Valentine at PureVolume.com
Over 70 Artists are listening to us, why aren't you? Artists include FLYLEAF, BAYSIDE, PARAMORE, HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS, MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, THE ACADEMY IS, THE SPILL CANVAS, CARTEL, TAKING BACK SUNDAY, ALEXISONFIRE, BLEEDING THROUGH, SENSES FAIL, FLEE THE SEEN, A STAGGERING GENIUS, AND MANY MORE!

heres my newest thing:

(quiet)

i'm beating this,
i'm pulling through,
i'm not gonna lose this

Chorus (now entire song is screamed)
I'M HAPPY NOW
YOU AIN'T EVER
GONNA TAKE THIS
FROM ME!

I'M BREAKING
THE RULES,
I'M BEATING YOU BACK,

Chorus

I HOPE YOU KOW,
I AINT EVER GONNA
LET YOU GO!

Chorus

YOU HURT ME,
YOU SAID I'D
AMOUNT TO NOTHING!
LOOK AT ME

Chorus

I WANT MY
RET-RIB-UTION!
KI'M GONNA GIVE
YOU,
WHAT YOU GAVE ME!

Chorus

MAKE YOU CRY!!!!*5

i'm happy!

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amo-te para sempre carla
http://www.evboard.com/showthread.php?t=31607 please check my art

Ok, critique time once again. Just a few though, I don't have the time to do all.

i-miss-roses: Thank you was a stunning piece. I loved the pace and the message it had. Loved how the title interacts in a very paradoxical way with the poem. The parts in brackets were good, though they kinda disrupted the flow of the poem for me, as they had their own separate flow. The ending was simply perfect, it shows that the narrator is grateful/hoping that whoever he/she's talking about tried to help him/her, but it also shows doubt and leaves the reader with the question lingering in his/her head. Not many poems can do that. Great job!

paratextus: November dead is very good, even though I'm not a huge fan of short poems. Very vivid descriptions and imagery. Nice flow and rythm to it, everything fits into place nicely. I do think you could expand a little more on the description of the scene, but that would kill the entire point of the poem, which I think is to make it short. I think it'd work amazingly well on a longer, more complex piece as it is.

psycho_fish: The two-part poem was nice, though there are a few things to keep in mind that could work better (and that apply a little to real life too ): Don't assure that you'll do anything, it adds a better sound to the poem (and you don't know if you'll hurt them again), also, I got a little confused on what the "it" was in the second one (why does it have to be broken?)... just left me a lil lost is all.

The second piece... it's very good an powerful, and I like that. Full of anger, too... You can feel it oozing through, and that's something hard to pull off. Just be careful around the areas Jane (AP) mentioned earlier, and you're set.

The song... I thought it lacked a bit more depth. It really isn't getting much of a message across, it just seems like a rant to me. Also, why aren't you letting go of the person the song's for? It sounds like you're mad at them, but that part confused me. It's got great potential, a great flow and rythm, but it needs work, content-wise.

Stillborn Heart: Nice poem, though without the other parts, it feels incomplete. That's what you have to be careful about with divided poems and short ones: they look very incomplete to the reader at times. It tells a beautiful and vivid story, props for that, but it leaves the reader kinda hanging in the air in an awkward way.

That's all for today. *breathes* But, I do have a little something of my own.... feel free to tear it apart people.


Coma

My memories are silent
Living between the sounds
And the pictures in my mind

The ghost of the moment
That just passed us by
Calls out for us to live life

While the shade of the instant
That is to become now
Silently wonders why

A reflection’s gaze wanders
Across a blood-red sky
Looking for its heart

A glass shard drifts
Aimlessly through the clouds
Cutting the horizon apart

While demons bathe,
In Mary’s tears
And forgotten dreams

I stand alone
Among the paper fields
And angel griefs

Watching my surroundings
As sister Life tangos
With sister Death

And Day and Night,
The brothers, fight
To see what can’t be seen

While Time and Light,
Race through the void
Entwining truth and lies

Father, please tell me why,
I was never good enough
For real life

Mother, please tell me why,
I must live this lie
Or die…

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Awwww thanks, I really appreciate it
Yeah, I don't have the patience for long poems
Especially not at 11pm, which is when I usually write.

Uriel Coleridge:
OK, I love this poem, and I wrote a huge, long review about it
And THEN, I tried to submit it
And my post died
*eheu*
Life hates me . . .

Like 'silent'/'sounds'
Starting the line with 'and' is a little weak, maybe rewrite?
'that' is also a little weak
Maybe change it to 'which'?
Also, 'live' and 'life' are a hair too similar in sound and meaning for me
Maybe rewrite to use less connected words?
Again, 'that'
It's a bit ambiguous here: do you mean the sky's heart or the reflection's heart?
Or do you not want us to be sure?
The first line seems a little too busy to me
All of your words are strong
But completely different from one another in sound
I'd do some sort of rewrite on it

You might consider changing 'blood-red' to 'crimson', which will work better with 'across', 'sky', and 'looking'
Unless you would like to emphasize the metaphor of 'blood'/'heart'
I love how your metaphors extend through each group of stanzas
To me, these two are vaguely reminiscent of 'Missing'
Like the rhyme, especially how it's subtle
No comma after 'bathe'
The last line seems a little long
Maybe take out 'and' and/or make 'forgotten' shorter?
'paper fields' is a beautiful metaphor
but I don't think 'griefs' is a word that can be pluralized
I'd rewrite that last line to an image picking up more on the other two
Love this image; it's something I NEVER would have thought of.
I like the last line, but this verse breaks up your pattern of groups of two connected stanzas.
I'd abandon it in favor of the following one
'entwining' is a cool verb, props
No comma after 'why'
Again, no comma
I love the near-verbatim repetition of the first lines
'living a lie' is a bit over-used and worn-out
I'd pick a different image, especially for your end
And if you could make the last line of this stanza rhyme with the last of the previous, it would be so cool . . .


I really love the structure you've come up with
This is really strong writing; everything I've come up with is really nit-picky
Great job!

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paratextus: Dayum! That's gotta be the best and longest critique anyone's given me. Props to you for that! Following your suggestions, I virtually re-wrote the poem, so I decided to post the second version here. Hope you like it.


Coma, Revised

My memories are silent
Living between the sounds
And the pictures in my mind:

Too bright to see
Too painful to feel
Anything true

Too hurt to move
Too tired to wake
Anytime soon

The ghosts of the moments
Who passed me by
Call out for me to stop the lies

While the shade of the instant
Who is to become now
Silently wonders why

I gave up my mind
To place in her hands
An over-used line

I gave her my heart
Before it slipped her grasp,
Fading to black

My reflection's gaze
Wanders across
A blood-red sky

A glass shard drifts
Aimlessly through the clouds
Cutting the horizon apart

While demons bathe
In Mary’s tears;
Drinkin the angels' lives

I stand alone
Among the paper fields
Engraved with poetry

Watching my surroundings
As sister Life tangos
With sister Death

Seeing what can't be seen
As brother Day dies
Slaying brother Night

...Father, please tell me why
I was never good enough
For real life...

...Mother, please tell me why
Reality's such a tough,
Endless strife...

...Brother, please tell me why
I'm stuck here
Away from myself...

...Lover, please tell me why
You're not here
Even though...

You're sitting beside my bed...

EDIT: Made even MORE changes... Damn, paratextus... you've got me on a roll here!

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This is my first time giving critique on this forum; I hope I am doing it correctly. Anyways, Uriel Coleridge, I did not see any PMing wanted, so I shall post here.

While the shade of the instant
Who is to become now
Silently wonders why

To me, this doesn't flow. I think it is the second line; too many syllables, compared to the stanza before this one.

I gave her my heart
Before it slipped her grasp,
Fading to black

Same issue as with the stanza above. The second line doesn't flow on the tongue... seems a bit too much.

While demons bathe
In Mary’s tears;
Drinkin the angels' lives

I'm not sure if it's just a typo, but 'drinking' would sound much better.

The ending seems to be a little bit abrupt. It really does not seem very concluding; it seems there should be a Part II, and does not feel like an end.

This poem *is* very good, and for being 15, even better. But you definitely want to find a common theme, and come with some conclusive ending. But really, good job!

*Here's for hoping I did this critique stuff right ^^*