LovenPeace

I realized I havent written in here since May. I have totally neglected this thread, unintentionally.

I have just been too swamped, but alas, tonight is one of those nights where I just need to write and write. I am reflecting and have been having flash backs of my past. The only way I can ever move on from them is writing. I cant talk about it too people, it's too much.

I dont want people to read this, I dont want to be writing to anyone, but I dont like writing by hand anymore becasue it actually kills my hand and isnt as efficient as I would like it to be and I forget everything I wanted to say.

Anyway, before I start; I'm going to go pee...

Okay, so there is a lot too say. I am just, so overwhelmed. I always wonder if something is wrong with me? I dont know, really. I am so different from everyone else, I have such major trust issues, yet I am one of the happiest people you can meet. My doctor has always told me she has always seen some sort of sadness in me. And she has never understood where its coming from. I know I am truly a sad person. I know it may sound like blasphemy hearing that from me. If you see me everyday and hang out with me everyday you would think Elmo was saying they're a depressed psychotic freak. LOL in which case, it's not true.

I have been listening to evanescence a lot lately. And UGH I hate what it does too me, yet it lets me be honest with myself, it makes me want to express myself. But it still makes me revisit everything in my past. I lived a horrible past, I've always wanted to write out my story. I've always wanted it to be heard. Yet, who would want to know? Who cares? I dont think anyone does, I feel that my story is not worth being heard, I feel I'm not worth the effort to be listened too. So in turn, I listen to everyone else. Just to feel that empty void of being "accepted" I know this sounds emo ish. But I've always wanted to be accepted. Yet I am so closed off? How can that benefit me? I try to be open. But I cant. I have been thinking about getting back into dating. Yet Mark pointed out too me that I give off this vibe where I am not even showing ANY interest or ANYTHING of wanting any attention. I just talk with everyone like their buddies of mine. It's who I am to be that way, I dont touch people because I want to flirt with them. Or because I like them, in fact I'm the opposite.

And why is this? Because I was neglected as a child. Why do I want to be accepteD? Especially by girls? Because my mother neglected me. My father was the only one who ever took care of me, my brother would abuse me, he would try to make those big old fashioned fancy pianos fall ontop of me, push me into the couch (he would grab my head and try to ram me into it) he would push me, hit me, yell at me, everything. I just felt, so... Unwanted. My mom would always leave me, I would try to spend time with her. I remember it got to the point where I would follow her into the bathroom because so badly did I want her to pay attention to me. I would always find myself wondering off to try to find things to do. This was all before my parents divorced.... I was 4. You know, when I say that now, when I mention that this is how it was like BEFORE my parents divorced. (which they divorced when I was 5) I realize how pathetic that is. A 4 year olf having to follow their own mother around and BEG for her to love her... A 4 year and younger being abused by her only brother at the time... Only one to love her was her dad and her grandpa who ended up passing away when she was 5. No wonder I hate women. I hated my grandmother too. No wonder I only care for men. Even though, I am afraid of them... Yet its sad too say, this was the happiest time of my life. Because it was a whole family, living with my mother, my father and my brother. I have never lived with my real family since. I will never experience it again. And it was taken away from me when I was young. I didnt even KNOW I was being moved, I didnt know my parents were seperating. I remember the day; I remember when my mom and I left and went to an apartment. And I waited for 3 weeks to see my dad again, I didnt know where he was. I would ask my mom where he was, I would ask why he hasnt come home, I would ask where my brother was, I would ask where the cat was. I didnt know anything... You know, it didnt phase as much then as it does now. It just makes me realize how where I have missed out. My dad isnt the loving type either... So I didnt get hugs/kisses or any comments ever from him, I never heard the words "I'm proud of you" or anything my whole life until I was waaaayyyy older.

I feel dumb writing about all this. This isnt very far into my life, and I dont want to year by year. I will never be able to write about my whole life. I really wont.

Anyway, I am listening to the song "Before the Dawn" right now. And when I listen to this song, this is what I think of.

I am sitting on a tree, a large evergreen coniferous tree that has fallen over and is resting on another tree. I am sitting on this tree, looking over the view. The view is of the red deer river, a very large river running through a beautiful forest. It is mid-summer and is nice and warm out. It is currently over-cast weather. I am looking out, listening to this current song with my head phones on and my discman in my hand. I am sitting here, tears rolling down my cheek... Thinking about how I wish I was gone, how I wish I was free. The lyrics "We fly so far away, we'll be lost before the dawn" expressed my wishes. I wanted to fly away. I was thinking of packing up my stufff from here and walking back to Calgary and trying to run away... I felt so seperated from civilization. I was dragged out their by my parents... No one could save me when I was out there. I was so trapped. I lived with my heart always pounding 100000000 miles a minute, stuck in my throat. I was always skiddish, any noises I would freak out. Anytime I saw a person anywhere when I was in one of my "hiding places" I would hide and be terrified they would find me. I was scared my parents would find these "hidden" places of mine... I would sit in these random locations and write constantly while listening to evanescencce.

Now I'm listening to "Away from me"... When I would listen to this song, I remember sitting next to the rivers edge, but in a different location. I was sitting on rocks in the open, crying too myself again, head phones on again, with my discman in my lap... My journal in my hand, and I'm writing away. This was during the days I was at the edge of my life... I have never felt so bad in my life at this point. I was... in indescribeable terror... I call them "5 days of terror". Which felt like an eternity. Anyway, I was sitting in this spot for 4 hours, I kid you not. It thunderstormed on me a few times, dried, rained, dried, sunny, thunderstorm... and over and over. I just, didnt care. I did not care in the slightest. I had to hide... The significance of this time... was bad. Previously before the weekend I had to go to my dads, and Kathryn my best friend was over earlier and taught me how to get into my old bedroom which had the computer in it. Just sliding a car through the door.

This one day I had to get on the computer to print off some reference pictures too draw. (I drew non-stop during this time in my life, all I had was my art) My step dad came home early, and I didnt get off in time. So I had to get off as fast as possible, and sneak back out without him catching me. I didnt make it... The moment I came out of that bedroom door he was standing around the corner in my face. I had never seen such rage. I had never been so scared in my life. I froze, I couldnt talk, I couldnt breathe, I couldnt think. I just froze and stared at him with utter fear my jaw gaped open. I dropped the papers and just stood there, I had no will to move. Bryan already had major anger issues, and just took everything out on me. I was his moveable punching bag... So, next thing I remember is shouting, and I blacked out. Then next thing I know, I'm in my room hyperventilating. I dont remember what had happened, I couldnt breathe, I was just, in so much pain. I couldnt move, he came down and told me that I will be grounded and for how long is undetermined... I was not allowed to see my dad, I was not allowed to go on the computer, I was not allowed to play soccer, I was not allowed to do ANYTHING. I had to go with them to the cabin now... Then on my way to the cabin I was thinking "What else is new? I am too afraid what is going to happen now, something is different this time.." I used to get grounded almost every month. For stupid reasons like closing the fucking window or something. Anyway, Bryan turned to me when driving up and said "I dont know what to do with you, you're a terrible child. I think I am willing to put my retirement on hold and send you boarding school. I want to send you away, you're such a disgrace, such a failure." I just couldnt win with my family... I was an honour roll student, I was in top soccer teams, I was a contracted artist, I was in the top music band for junior high. Yet, my mother let this assfuck abuse me and take over my life, I couldnt turn to her for help, i couldnt even trust her to support me. She didnt do anything for me but let this ass fuck control me. So the moment he said he was going to send me away, I decided and promised too myself that the moment we get back from the cabin, I will pack and leave. I'm gone. Those 5 days were the longest days of my life, I got nothing but the usual ridicule telling me I'm a fail and I will never succeed in life, telling me I'm a horrible person, telling me that I can't do anything right. Telling me no one loves me, telling me no one cares about me. Telling me my father doesnt care about me and I all I have is Bryan and my mom. Which is fucking bull shit. He sat there, smoking his cigarette drinking his fucking booze and just all full of himself enjoying the smell of his own fucking farts and saying all this too me. While I'm being starved and beaten. I couldnt take it anymore.... On the third day, my mom came into the trailer I was sleeping in and woke me up. She sat down and started talking to me, I tried opening up to her, I tried begging her for help, I tried pleading. It was my last chance, I asked her to keep it between us. She said she couldnt make that promise, so I said "You wonder why I dont trust you? You choose your own fucking lover over your children. Look how Colin is with you? DOes he ever make the effort to see you anymore? No. I cant stand being here, Bryan is abusing me, and you know it. You dont do anything about it, he just makes me want to kill myself. I feel unwanted in this life, and I'm only 14 years old." Later that day, I found out Bryan and my mom talked about what my mom and I had talked about that morning. Last straw for my mom. No more faith in her at all.. I knew she wouldnt help me. She's to drunk with love over the fucking freak.

At the end of the weekend I got home and started packing, I had to be picky, I had to be careful. I packed very light, yet, took me 5 hours too do it. I said goodbye to my puppy, she was the only happy thing in my life... The next morning Bryan woke me up and told me what he wanted me to clean before he came home, it was 9 am. And I showed him that the water pipe had bursted again and was leaking all over my bathroom. (Which screwed up my plans too sneak out at noon). The moment after he left, I called my good friend Shylow, her mom answered half awake, and I just told her everything and told her I needed to get out. I cried to her on the phone and just begged her too take me. She asked if I could wait and I told her I couldnt and had to leave right away.

I left at 9:38 am from my moms house that morning, never turned back and just carried everything to SHylows house and walked over. I was SOOO scared of anything, I tried to avoid all roads. I jumped up anytime I hard a car door slam, or sirens. I had written Bryan a very nasty note and told him not to come find me. I had enough. I just called him out on everything, and it felt so good. I didnt care about their feelings, and even to this day, I am so proud of myself. I ended up moving into my dads shortly after. I was so much happier. It took me months to get adapted, I still went through a hard time, because I had to leave all my close friends behind. But now when I look back, I'm glad it happened. And I realized how much it developed me.

ANyway, I feel better getting that out. There is so many stories I can write, but it would take too long. This is why I dont like listening to evanescence, it makes me think of these times. I was saved by the music, I literally listened to it over and over. I was actually addicted. If I didnt listen to it, I would go insane. It was my cocaine. My brothers got so sick of it. Everyone knew how much I loved ev.

I am glad I have experienced so much in my life, I really am. But at the sametime, it has its prices to pay. Which I am only feeling now, I am trying to fight them. I am trying to be more relaxed, I am trying to be more open. I am trying to accept that people will eventually care about me. I get overwhelmed when anyone is nice to me. Like WTF is wrong with that picture? I had no money today so expected to go through the day starving myself, and I each person at work I told this too, they all offered to buy me lunch. I was astounded. And Benson even said "You seem so surprised, you shouldnt be" ANd I was like "I'm not used to this kindness... I'm normally the one giving people lunches and being the one helping someone." And in return he said "All the more reason you deserve it." I just, didnt know what to do. I was so overwhelmed...

Whats wrong with me? And now for once, there is a guy I like, and I dont know what to do. I dont know how to talk to him about it, I dont know how to approach him. This one feels much more different then any other time I have had a crush on a guy. Its just, I honestly cant push myself in anyway to do anything about it. I am holding myself back thinking "no, dont do it" when really, there is so many signs saying go for it. UGH. And I blame part of this on my past, considering when I was young, I had no love in my life, and since I get overwhelmed easily, I expect the same from him. And I dont know how to show someone I care about them. I really dont. I am so distant, I can care for you deeply and you wont be able to tell. I'm so emotionless. And empty. Really am.

LovenPeace

Hey, sorry I have to use this for my deviant art thing. I'm in charge of contests for a super group called photography world.

And right now I'm goign through the results and all the votes.
So I have to copy my links into here to keep track of the ones I have so far that are winning.

http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...et=24#/d28p058 - 8 votes
http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d419kxz - 6 votes
http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d3iqa6t - 6 votes

http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d3hnsc2 - 5 votes
http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d2buaoj - 5 votes

http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d378aoq - 7 votes
http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d46s71q - 6 votes
http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d3g31tg- 4 votes
http://apollohephaustus.deviantart.c...set=0#/d469tmq - 6 votes
http://sandor99.deviantart.com/art/S...Tide-253648452 - 5 votes
http://unkreatives.deviantart.com/ar...lane-159420796 - 7 votes
http://uniquelle.deviantart.com/art/...Side-184806415 - 5 votes
http://violetevans.deviantart.com/art/Collage-162843268 - 4 votes

LovenPeace

It's been awhile since I've been on really. I miss this place, and I havent been avoiding it, I just have been so busy it's retarded. I have been juggling my social, work and family life around like crazy. And now I'm getting a second job, so soon I will be more busy. But I'm hopefully getting away from the boyfriend so we will see if I have more time to myself.

I really need to be alone, and I think I might have a problem that this is something I prefer. I don't care about being around friends, or w/e. I love being alone, I really do.

But there is one thing I did learn about this short lived relationship, was that I do want to date again, only not with Jeff. I can't be with him, he's too negative and it's really unhealthy. If he didnt use drinking as a solution, or give me shit all the time and cling to me like no tomorrow, then I probably wouldnt have a problem. But really I can't breathe around him. He is always upset or mad or something. And I'm sick of being around such a downer.

As for work wise, work is going well, got the award and all. Just waiting for a merch sup position to open up so I can apply. So I have a temp hostessing/bussing job at Pulcinella, a fine dining italian restaurant. I don't know whats with me working at these types of places? Well it's just extra pocket cash. I should be happy once I get into that.

Anyway, I haven't forgotten you evboard. I do miss you, I'm sorry for my absense. This place does seem different too me. Is it just me? Whose noticed the differences?

LovenPeace

I've been doing a lot of meditating lately.

My god has my mind really developed and I have become so much more relaxed and well rounded. I've learned so much and how to control a lot of different aspects of my life.

The experiences I have had that I could share are amazing. The answers I get, the guardians/spirits I meet. It's amazing. It really opens your eyes to so many things and helps you really change your life.

The places I've been, absolutely beautiful!

Music Box

I love you, gorgeous! <3

LovenPeace

Oh hERROOO!

Music Box

Herrrooooooo!!!!

LovenPeace

Heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

How art thoueth?!?!?

Music Box

loneleh without j00!

LovenPeace

Awwweh!!
that's sad

What have you been up to?