Only at Then - By PofY - EvBoard

P of Y · 08-19-2006, 03:44 PM

Here's a poem I wrote sometime ago from an event that happened with me...I hope you like it...
it started out with a question from a friend...and ended in poem as an answer to that question...or so...

Only at Then

deep in the night
i had a walk
a friend was around
with this interesting talk

she started out
by asking me
in another lifetime
who i wanted to be

i thought of you
it must be you

then i thought again
how'd it feel at then

walking as you
talking as you

knowing a thousand of people
are in love with you

or maybe with me?
only at then

was i quick to answer?
sacrificing the feelings within
not knowing the consiquences
products of only at then

i drifted away with my imagination
i turned the tables around

would i have noticed me
the real me now?
if i were you?
but only at then

everyday, in the mirror it'll be you
it'll be a delight
is it going to be you?
or is it my own sight?

would i have noticed
how beautiful you are?
or beautiful i am
only at then

i settled with a choice
i don't want to be you
magic will be lost
if i lost you

i was you at then
but only for a fragile while
now i'm back again
away ten thousand miles

sure, it's miserable
sure, it's hard
being far from you
is better than having ur part

no such satisfaction
can be absorbed at then
only the selfish ignorance
of the preciousness within

i'd rather be myself
i'd rather be this miserable
than being you
and ur presence would be unconsiderable

but only at then...

†Elisabeth† · 08-20-2006, 04:18 PM

I think this was rather interesting.. but I have some criticism. You have some rhyming verses, and often the words 'you' and 'you' were put together in the same verse. They don't really go together as ryhme.

TooLost2BeSaved · 08-20-2006, 06:12 PM

That's great! I really like the second person point of view, the rhyming and especially the title, very nice

~Diego

P of Y · 08-20-2006, 06:27 PM

Thankx man...
I tried to develop a new idea for writing a story within a poem...
I'm glad you like it

P of Y · 08-21-2006, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by †Elisabeth†

I think this was rather interesting.. but I have some criticism. You have some rhyming verses, and often the words 'you' and 'you' were put together in the same verse. They don't really go together as ryhme.

well...actually this was a quicky...so i didn't really concentrate on the endings...just what sounded good...
ur right "you" and "you" doesn't rhyme...i'll put that in mind next time i write something...thank you Elisabeth!!

FelicityS · 08-21-2006, 07:20 PM

It was good, the flow worked well with the shortness of the lines but some of the rhyming sounds a bit forced, besides the you and you parts. For example

then i thought again
how'd it feel at then

It doesn't make much sense, maybe if you put 'back then'?

Anyways i can't wait to read more!

P of Y · 09-07-2006, 11:55 PM

yes "back then" sounds better you know

...but i tried to stick with the title more...so i used "at then" not "back then"...but good observation

i'll definately look for other stuff to post...thanx

08-19-2006, 03:44 PM	#1 (permalink)
P of Y Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Lost Posts: 52 Points: 0.00 Bank: 702.18 Total Points: 702.18 Donate	Only at Then - By PofY Here's a poem I wrote sometime ago from an event that happened with me...I hope you like it... it started out with a question from a friend...and ended in poem as an answer to that question...or so... Only at Then deep in the night i had a walk a friend was around with this interesting talk she started out by asking me in another lifetime who i wanted to be i thought of you it must be you then i thought again how'd it feel at then walking as you talking as you knowing a thousand of people are in love with you or maybe with me? only at then was i quick to answer? sacrificing the feelings within not knowing the consiquences products of only at then i drifted away with my imagination i turned the tables around would i have noticed me the real me now? if i were you? but only at then everyday, in the mirror it'll be you it'll be a delight is it going to be you? or is it my own sight? would i have noticed how beautiful you are? or beautiful i am only at then i settled with a choice i don't want to be you magic will be lost if i lost you i was you at then but only for a fragile while now i'm back again away ten thousand miles sure, it's miserable sure, it's hard being far from you is better than having ur part no such satisfaction can be absorbed at then only the selfish ignorance of the preciousness within i'd rather be myself i'd rather be this miserable than being you and ur presence would be unconsiderable but only at then... __________________ MySpace Last edited by P of Y : 09-07-2006 at 11:53 PM.

08-21-2006, 07:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
FelicityS Fledgling Post Monkey Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,403 Points: 700.64 Bank: 41.06 Total Points: 741.70 Donate	It was good, the flow worked well with the shortness of the lines but some of the rhyming sounds a bit forced, besides the you and you parts. For example then i thought again how'd it feel at then It doesn't make much sense, maybe if you put 'back then'? Anyways i can't wait to read more! __________________ My Space My Stuff

09-07-2006, 11:55 PM	#7 (permalink)
P of Y Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Lost Posts: 52 Points: 0.00 Bank: 702.18 Total Points: 702.18 Donate	yes "back then" sounds better you know ...but i tried to stick with the title more...so i used "at then" not "back then"...but good observation i'll definately look for other stuff to post...thanx __________________ MySpace

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08-20-2006, 04:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
†Elisabeth† Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Virginia Age: 16 Posts: 30 Points: 284.33 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 284.33 Donate	I think this was rather interesting.. but I have some criticism. You have some rhyming verses, and often the words 'you' and 'you' were put together in the same verse. They don't really go together as ryhme.

08-20-2006, 06:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
TooLost2BeSaved Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Buenos Aires/Los Angeles Age: 18 Posts: 183 Points: 9,648.03 Bank: 99.46 Total Points: 9,747.49 Donate	That's great! I really like the second person point of view, the rhyming and especially the title, very nice ~Diego

08-20-2006, 06:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
P of Y Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Lost Posts: 52 Points: 0.00 Bank: 702.18 Total Points: 702.18 Donate	Thankx man... I tried to develop a new idea for writing a story within a poem... I'm glad you like it

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