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02-09-2006, 08:49 AM
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#161 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: ???
Age: 25
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Thanks as always for the comments you guys. I'm sorry that it always takes me so long to respond but I'm in the middle of a nine day work week rite now. (sigh)
myimmortalenemy: You described the way I was feeling perfectly, and I'm extremely pleased by the fact that it got through to you. That was really cool... Uriel: I'm always glad to get your comments. They're very detailed, and I appreciate it a lot. You're making some good observations in my other thread too, I noticed. The line I used: Sweet Jesus! That was just an expression, and not literal at all. It's more like stubbing your toe and screaming, "Fuck!" So I think that the line was intended to seem like I was saying, "I can't believe you can't hear me screaming in here." Or something likes that... If I could think of a better way to say it, I would have used it instead.  And Lisa: Thanks so much for your comment! I'm really glad that you enjoyed reading my work. And it's always nice to see an extra reader. Thanks a lot for taking the time to check out my stuff. Now it's time for something else... This is from a little exercise that I've been doing to help my writing become a bit more fluid. Someone gave me these ten words, and I tried to successfully implement them into what I was writing without it feeling forced. So here they are, and here's what I wrote... You guys tell me what you think... The ten words are: - broad - compass - edge - hand - lark - need - part - prime - sleeve - token ______________________________________________ Hemorrhage Part of me, Needs to see you bleeding… You’ve left me so broken and lost. I’m on the edge of the world, But I don’t have a compass… Did any of this, Ever have any meaning? Well it seems to me today, That you, will only become colder… I’ve primed myself to view, Another emotionless shoulder… Perhaps a token gesture’s all I need to set me free; Perhaps you have one, hidden up your sleeve…. The possibilities are broad; The implications overreaching. But I won’t be the first, To give in to my need… I won't be the first to raise my hand; I will not succumb to this again… Regardless, Your love has proved to be deceit… .. Your kindness… Nothing more, than a lark…
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02-19-2006, 11:45 AM
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#163 (permalink) | |
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Medellin, Colombia
Age: 18
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Hey man. Took me a while to drop back...
EXCELLENT Job on "Hemorrage". You managed to get all ten words in there without any of them looking forced, and you still kept your particular style of writing. I loved this part: Quote:
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...'Cause all we are is what we're told, And most of that's been lies...
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02-22-2006, 09:43 AM
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#164 (permalink) |
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.has sexy hair.
  Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Part time in Hell. Part time in your pants.
Age: 20
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I think I love this thread
 Your work is very good and very well written. I really love it.
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Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small, I'm needy. Warm me up, and breathe me.
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02-22-2006, 10:42 AM
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#165 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: ???
Age: 25
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3D Poetry
Thanks again everyone, for your comments.
myimmortalenemy: I’m glad that you liked the ending, it was one of the things I was worried about the most. Lark is just not a word that I would ever probably use if it wasn’t something that I had to do, like in this case…. I’m glad that you stopped to comment. Your comments are always appreciated. Uriel: I think you’ve got it pretty much figured out. The way you described it, is so close to what inspired it, that it’s actually sort of unsettling. It’s good to hear from you, I should be online a little more often for the next week or two so I’m sure I’ll see you around. Whisper Softly: I’m very honored that you enjoy my work so much. I just don’t know what to say, thanks so much. Your comment, and everyone else’s are really great to get; I really appreciate it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, time for something new. I’m going to repost some of my older work, but I’m going to include audio along with it. It’s not music, poetry, or spoken word exactly….. I don’t know what to call it…. It’s just something that I’ve been playing with when I get home from work, and it’s not very good (more of a work in progress), but I think that I’ll share it anyway. Just click the title for the audio. __________________________________________________ ___ Depravity & Discord: Life-blood, of a system, that crushes its components; Moving hand to hand, through the freedom land. Where freedom, is nothing but a myth; Spoken ear to ear, through our bleeding lips. Leaving vile stains on our fingertips . . . Watching TV shows, wishing we were rich. While the rich men, squander all their riches on whores; Secreting piles of semen from their open pores. They command, and plan, and build on, all the land... Why put the homeless in homes? . . . When we can build a nation on their bones . . . *** This isn’t something new. *** Welcome to the new age; Forget the last page. No-one likes a sucker; Have some supper. And forget what the bad men told ya; Just smoke what the good man rolls ya . . . And close your eyes; Act like you’re surprised, . . . When they put another product on the shelves. Freedom of speech? Freedom and rights? Freedom, To swallow all the fuckin’ lies! From the men you picked, From the pick of picks! While you sat at home, Stroked your fuckin' dicks! On the “World Wide Web,” all alone . . . Another slave. Feed from the hand of the freedom land. As if it comforts you; As if it pays your bills. Well it made them up! And it fuckin’ kills. Uncle Sam, Is just another symbol! Lady liberty; Just another bimbo Who sits so high and haughty on her wall. And like Babylon . . . We’ll all be there to mourn her when she falls. . . . . . . . . . And it makes me sick. __________________________________________________ ___ Self Destructive/Depressive Disturbance: Why. Can’t I, …Rely… (On anything) Anything I touch, Just turns to dust… (Scared) I’m not scared, I’m steaming… Pressure’s leaking out, The holes, Inside my, …Brain… Seducing me: (“You’re not dead, you’re breathing.”) Then why, Does everything… Everything I touch… Just turn to dust? __________________________________________________ ___ Gone: I kinda feel beaten . . . . . . I kinda feel cheated . . . . . . I kinda feel so alone . . . . . . And on my own . . . *** But would it be, So wrong . . . . . . For me to just slip away? It wouldn't take, Very long, At all . . . . . . I'll just keep moving on, Untill I'm gone . . . *** I kinda feel wasted . . . . . . I'm kinda, irritated . . . . . . Cause you left me, So alone . . . And on my own . . . *** But would it be, So wrong . . . For me to just let you go? . . . It couldn't take, Very long . . . At all . . . . . . I'll just keep moving on, Until you're gone . . . __________________________________________________ ___ Flaw: I want to know, What makes you think that you are real? I want to know, Why everything is so surreal. I’ll let you know, If I make it out of here. I let you go . . . *** And it’s tearing me apart. . . . I feel so insecure. . . . Everything is gone. . . . So long . . . *** Where are you? You’re not where you’re supposed to be. I needed you. And you, you needed me. Now I contain, All that I feel for you. Maybe I should leave . . . *** ‘Cause you’re tearing me apart. . . . I feel so insecure. . . . Everything is gone. . . . So long . . . ***
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Last edited by Nameless : 02-22-2006 at 10:47 AM. |
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02-22-2006, 09:49 PM
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#166 (permalink) |
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Medellin, Colombia
Age: 18
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Whoa man... that's some great stuff there. Nice effect you gave them with your voice... very creepy, which is PERFECT for your particular stule of writing and your poems in general. An amazing flow in all of them, I'd say it's either perfect, or damn near close to perfection. Whatever it is they are, they're definetely unique. They're like nothing I've ever seen. You've got some real talent for this. The only advice I have is to avoid making it sound too movie like at times... it happened once or twice in "Depravity & Discord." Possibly due to the fact that some lines rhyme with themselves... it's a hard area. Nonetheless, you're doing an excellent job. Keep it up man. I'll be gone for about a week... I hope to see something new by then.
 See you around, and take care man.
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...'Cause all we are is what we're told, And most of that's been lies...
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02-23-2006, 01:53 AM
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#167 (permalink) |
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Sex Muffin
 Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: There, There
Age: 19
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oh man! it really bothers me that i can't hear your voice. I mean Uriel said it was all creepy and stuff and it sucks that i can't hear it cuz i don't have speakers! AGGGGRRRH!!!
Well i can still read your poems, and dude, you surprise me everytime with the way you write. It's so strong and infinitive! I can not only read that emotion, but i feel it. Depravity & Discord: was short, but it got to the main point right away. When we can build a nation on their bones . . . : i liked this one the most. It's a rage that i could never write myself, that one was great! Self Destructive/Depressive Disturbance: i often feel the same way...but never wrote it down. Your rhymes are NEVER predictable, that's why i love reading your poetry soo much. I hope i see more soon! |
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02-23-2006, 04:50 PM
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#168 (permalink) |
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n00blet
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: t-town!
Age: 18
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I haven't been to this thread in a while but its always nice to come back to some more amazing poems. The audio was a wicked effect! That was really awesome. I hope you do more of your poems like that because that was pretty sweet.
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03-08-2006, 01:24 AM
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#169 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: ???
Age: 25
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Thanks you guys, I'm really glad that you liked those. I was worried about it a little because I don't have any music for them.
So, here's something different again.... These are a few song I recorded with my Penny Whistle. Some people call it a Tin Whistle as well. It's basicly just a cheap Irish flute with six holes. It was called a penny whistle because of the copper that it was made out of. Forgive me for the mistakes I made while recording these, I'll update the files on the links later when I get them off without fucking up. Next time I'll probably be back with some more poetry, but until then, thanks everyone for reading, listening, and commenting; you're all great. _________________________________________________ Rain An Eirinn Ni Neosainn Ce Hi Of Dreams *EDIT* I re-recorded two of the above and added one more: Good Morning
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Last edited by Nameless : 03-08-2006 at 05:56 PM. |
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