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#61 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Age: 20
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What I liked best was "Nothing to Learn." It had a meaning...it had a message to convey.
Your others are not bad. Not saying that at all. But some of your lines are un-rythmic, which may be what you want; also, just for some variety, try writing something that does NOT mention 'blood,' or 'dying.' Just try it, see if it works. If it doesn't then at least you tried right? ![]() Cutting is a horrible thing and believe me, all my songs used to be about the abuse I took and how good it was to let the pain come out of my body through my blood. But I realized that if all I wrote was about that, no one seemed to want to read it anymore, you know? So you gotta decide whether you're writing for yourself or for us. Or for anyone, really. ![]() |
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#62 (permalink) |
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
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Hey Sara, you've got some great poems here. I especially liked 'Running'. I liked the twist at the end and how you made it sound like you were running from yourself, in a way.
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Heaven, shine a light down on me. |
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#63 (permalink) | |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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OMFG 3 replies!!! Thank you everyone so very much. It means alot to me.
Quote:
. I would rhyme more often but rhymes I make seems cheap and rappy. Besides when I do I feel like I'm making good rhymes not good lyrics. Everything (nearly) I write has a meaning or a message to convey. Nothing to Learn is saying I've grown up and don't have the mind of a child. If This Is What You Want is saying I am not a bad person no matter how bad someone is to me. Attention Whore is saying there is no point in life when you live for other people. And I'll stop there cuz my poetry (if it may be considered) is kind of a find your own fuckinggawddamn meaning. lol But thanks a ton for your time and advise!
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Anger. The emotion of change. Kill for me. |
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#64 (permalink) |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Age: 20
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Oh I figured you weren't writing for an audience....hardly anybody really does, except maybe for those pop-Princesses who just need to put a damn robe over themselves...
I think you have potential...there are some good ideas there, you know? Guess my problem is that I just came here from a songwriting forum where I give some of the harshest critiques. I apologize. Keep writing, don't let anyone bring you down! |
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#65 (permalink) |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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I'd like to get feedback. Cuz I love you
and stuff.What Have You Done? Do you honestly think I'd just forgive and forget? I never fought even though I should All the things I've done for for you Friend, what have you done to me? All these wounds and so many scars Wish time would heal but it can't I hope you're happy You're so perfect in every unusual way Everyone envy's me because of you So everyone tells me of my luck Then I made them aware of what you are Can I not satisfy you no matter what I do You made me think I was insane and made me hate Everyone and every thing but mostly just me What have you done, friend? I've cursed so many people in your name I couldn't take all that was inside so I tryed to cut it out And after you've had your fun you told me it wasn't right What do I do? You've cornored me and ripped away all that covered me Shattard pieces are all that is left of my life Even still you're stepping on it's fragile remains What the hell have you done? I have nothing and I am nothing now I hope you're happy because I don't know anything So confused, I don't understand Wanting to feel what you've done But this time it won't be your hand Friend, what have you done to me?
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Anger. The emotion of change. Kill for me. |
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#66 (permalink) |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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I wrote this cuz I need creative outlet. This is not as creative as I wanted.
The Final Breath Pretend you're happy and it's all okay Say nothing of your feelings and your pain Hide everything with a smile and a laugh When you can't take anything anymore No matter how hard I try I can find myself to understand you Still I wonder why you hurt yourself like this Wonder why you want to hurt me like that Sometimes I ask the questions mortals won't answer Silance is his only reply Sometimes, I think he left me like everyone else Time and time again some moraless person Sends me to fight for everything I've tried for I've done everything wrong And I will continue to pay Grasp on to your belongings And hold your place tight I can't find eather and yet I've still survived Some people ask though, if I'm alive There's noone here waiting for me And noone to mourn the final breath
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Anger. The emotion of change. Kill for me. |
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#67 (permalink) |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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Getting rusty guys
help me out here.(UNTITLED) All feeling, all concept of time All I have to tell me im alive is lost When the world outside is silent my head lashes out When the outside world is so impossiable to bare So here I am, nowhere to be found Carving words I don't understand into my eyes Not knowing truth not knowing if I should smile or cry These words sink in and become a part of me And there I'll be at the end of the road All my hard work died in vain Along with my my now silent soul Apathetic to any cause or reason and only there Crawl down on the cold pavement You're weak now, weak like pain Thrown down to the dirt, dirty as you made me feel Shall I show you the hell you mock me for? They call me crazy, they call me sick now I warned you, I warned you all But again everyone refused to listen All of you should drown in your own traumatized hell Bang, bang how easy it'd be to leave faster than sound A very wise person told me when you die, you see angels And when you commit suicide you see demons Funny, she's a demon in denial We took her in and loved what was left What no one else was ever willing to care for But all we gave wasn't enough To save her from herself |
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#68 (permalink) |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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This is random but I hate feeling hate... and the stupid ant running around on my keyboard.
When The Curtain Drops My eyes are black as it is my nature But it's okay, Just part of a past, in the dirt, already a decay Foolish people try to dig it up and give it life Hard to live but so easy to... Well you can't talk about it Makes no sence why's everyone so afraid? I fear to be here and yet I'm always so near People are near us everyday Yet they seem so out of reach Though the people you could never touch Seem to be closest to your heart Tell me you love me I know, I'm just your show Here to please all, perfect for any ocasion When the curtain drops they will all know
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Anger. The emotion of change. Kill for me. |
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#69 (permalink) |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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This one is actually written for someone...
For Your Ear I feel fingers in my shoulders Hands tied to my feet The weight of sorrow Brings me crashing down Kiss on my cheek Arms around my waist Say you care about me, I know you lie Tell me you want peace, I know you lie Fist in my face In my mouth, a copper taste The force of rage Nocks me to the ground Under the sacred tree Violated everything in mind Tell me you want me, you can't have me Say you fuck me, another for your ear Keep me dear Hold me close, keep me down And sleep with me near Stuck your words in my head Another lie for you to make me crazy Too many lies, and too much pain You made your little bitch insane Another poem for your open ear For your closet mind and your lose and find This is just ink on paper But when you read it I hope it screams
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Anger. The emotion of change. Kill for me. Last edited by Raskull : 11-06-2005 at 11:09 PM. |
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#70 (permalink) |
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So Tired
![]() Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where?
Age: 17
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Bler. Happy thanksgiving. And I am thankful for all the critisim and comments so far and all that will come...
The moment is yours Dead whore Never would a god you don't believe in Let harm come to such an angel Whipped the world into your shape You're the fucking queen Kneeling beside your corrupt king The dead whore under her bastard king You're hand smite those below you Without thought or reason Locked that soul away and let it sleep forever Let that bastard take that beautiful body You're pale frozen hand touch my face And I wish to destroy the undead Puppet, you're dead Haunt me no more, whore Bow down to your bastard king Hope he chokes on the broken string That once pulled down an angel and tore She's just a dead whore.
__________________
Anger. The emotion of change. Kill for me. |
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