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Old 08-19-2005, 07:07 PM   #61 (permalink)
SuchCruelty
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What I liked best was "Nothing to Learn." It had a meaning...it had a message to convey.
Your others are not bad. Not saying that at all. But some of your lines are un-rythmic, which may be what you want; also, just for some variety, try writing something that does NOT mention 'blood,' or 'dying.' Just try it, see if it works. If it doesn't then at least you tried right?

Cutting is a horrible thing and believe me, all my songs used to be about the abuse I took and how good it was to let the pain come out of my body through my blood. But I realized that if all I wrote was about that, no one seemed to want to read it anymore, you know?
So you gotta decide whether you're writing for yourself or for us. Or for anyone, really.
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Old 08-19-2005, 08:05 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Hey Sara, you've got some great poems here. I especially liked 'Running'. I liked the twist at the end and how you made it sound like you were running from yourself, in a way.
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Old 08-19-2005, 08:36 PM   #63 (permalink)
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OMFG 3 replies!!! Thank you everyone so very much. It means alot to me.
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Originally Posted by SuchCruelty
What I liked best was "Nothing to Learn." It had a meaning...it had a message to convey.
Your others are not bad. Not saying that at all. But some of your lines are un-rythmic, which may be what you want; also, just for some variety, try writing something that does NOT mention 'blood,' or 'dying.' Just try it, see if it works. If it doesn't then at least you tried right?

Cutting is a horrible thing and believe me, all my songs used to be about the abuse I took and how good it was to let the pain come out of my body through my blood. But I realized that if all I wrote was about that, no one seemed to want to read it anymore, you know?
So you gotta decide whether you're writing for yourself or for us. Or for anyone, really.
I write for myself. As an outlet of my emotions, thoughts, ect. I no longer cut... I have urges to but don't anymore because it is horriable. I... don't think I write about cutting anymore. Blood and dying, yes. Far too much I know. But they're like my obsessions I guess. I used to write alot about hate as well but I stopped that for the over usage also. I'm trying to find different names and what not and trying not to do it so much. Meh. Working on it .
I would rhyme more often but rhymes I make seems cheap and rappy. Besides when I do I feel like I'm making good rhymes not good lyrics. Everything (nearly) I write has a meaning or a message to convey. Nothing to Learn is saying I've grown up and don't have the mind of a child. If This Is What You Want is saying I am not a bad person no matter how bad someone is to me. Attention Whore is saying there is no point in life when you live for other people. And I'll stop there cuz my poetry (if it may be considered) is kind of a find your own fuckinggawddamn meaning. lol But thanks a ton for your time and advise!
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Old 08-20-2005, 09:02 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Oh I figured you weren't writing for an audience....hardly anybody really does, except maybe for those pop-Princesses who just need to put a damn robe over themselves...
I think you have potential...there are some good ideas there, you know? Guess my problem is that I just came here from a songwriting forum where I give some of the harshest critiques. I apologize.
Keep writing, don't let anyone bring you down!
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Old 09-05-2005, 02:18 PM   #65 (permalink)
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I'd like to get feedback. Cuz I love you and stuff.

What Have You Done?
Do you honestly think I'd just forgive and forget?
I never fought even though I should
All the things I've done for for you

Friend, what have you done to me?
All these wounds and so many scars
Wish time would heal but it can't

I hope you're happy

You're so perfect in every unusual way
Everyone envy's me because of you
So everyone tells me of my luck
Then I made them aware of what you are

Can I not satisfy you no matter what I do
You made me think I was insane and made me hate
Everyone and every thing but mostly just me

What have you done, friend?
I've cursed so many people in your name
I couldn't take all that was inside so I tryed to cut it out
And after you've had your fun you told me it wasn't right

What do I do?
You've cornored me and ripped away all that covered me
Shattard pieces are all that is left of my life
Even still you're stepping on it's fragile remains

What the hell have you done?
I have nothing and I am nothing now
I hope you're happy because I don't know anything
So confused, I don't understand

Wanting to feel what you've done
But this time it won't be your hand
Friend, what have you done to me?
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Old 09-15-2005, 09:30 PM   #66 (permalink)
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I wrote this cuz I need creative outlet. This is not as creative as I wanted.

The Final Breath
Pretend you're happy and it's all okay
Say nothing of your feelings and your pain
Hide everything with a smile and a laugh
When you can't take anything anymore

No matter how hard I try
I can find myself to understand you
Still I wonder why you hurt yourself like this
Wonder why you want to hurt me like that

Sometimes
I ask the questions mortals won't answer
Silance is his only reply
Sometimes, I think he left me like everyone else

Time and time again some moraless person
Sends me to fight for everything I've tried for
I've done everything wrong
And I will continue to pay

Grasp on to your belongings
And hold your place tight
I can't find eather and yet I've still survived
Some people ask though, if I'm alive

There's noone here waiting for me
And noone to mourn the final breath
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Old 10-25-2005, 06:56 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Getting rusty guys help me out here.
(UNTITLED)
All feeling, all concept of time
All I have to tell me im alive is lost
When the world outside is silent my head lashes out
When the outside world is so impossiable to bare

So here I am, nowhere to be found
Carving words I don't understand into my eyes
Not knowing truth not knowing if I should smile or cry
These words sink in and become a part of me

And there I'll be at the end of the road
All my hard work died in vain
Along with my my now silent soul
Apathetic to any cause or reason and only there

Crawl down on the cold pavement
You're weak now, weak like pain
Thrown down to the dirt, dirty as you made me feel
Shall I show you the hell you mock me for?

They call me crazy, they call me sick now
I warned you, I warned you all
But again everyone refused to listen
All of you should drown in your own traumatized hell

Bang, bang how easy it'd be to leave faster than sound
A very wise person told me when you die, you see angels
And when you commit suicide you see demons
Funny, she's a demon in denial

We took her in and loved what was left
What no one else was ever willing to care for
But all we gave wasn't enough
To save her from herself
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Old 11-04-2005, 10:45 PM   #68 (permalink)
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This is random but I hate feeling hate... and the stupid ant running around on my keyboard.

When The Curtain Drops
My eyes are black as it is my nature
But it's okay,
Just part of a past, in the dirt, already a decay
Foolish people try to dig it up and give it life

Hard to live but so easy to...
Well you can't talk about it
Makes no sence why's everyone so afraid?
I fear to be here and yet I'm always so near

People are near us everyday
Yet they seem so out of reach
Though the people you could never touch
Seem to be closest to your heart

Tell me you love me
I know, I'm just your show
Here to please all, perfect for any ocasion
When the curtain drops they will all know
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Old 11-05-2005, 01:22 AM   #69 (permalink)
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This one is actually written for someone...
For Your Ear
I feel fingers in my shoulders
Hands tied to my feet
The weight of sorrow
Brings me crashing down

Kiss on my cheek
Arms around my waist
Say you care about me, I know you lie
Tell me you want peace, I know you lie

Fist in my face
In my mouth, a copper taste
The force of rage
Nocks me to the ground

Under the sacred tree
Violated everything in mind
Tell me you want me, you can't have me
Say you fuck me, another for your ear

Keep me dear
Hold me close, keep me down
And sleep with me near
Stuck your words in my head

Another lie for you to make me crazy
Too many lies, and too much pain
You made your little bitch insane

Another poem for your open ear
For your closet mind and your lose and find
This is just ink on paper
But when you read it I hope it screams
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Last edited by Raskull : 11-06-2005 at 11:09 PM.
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Old 11-24-2005, 09:27 PM   #70 (permalink)
Raskull
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Bler. Happy thanksgiving. And I am thankful for all the critisim and comments so far and all that will come...


The moment is yours
Dead whore
Never would a god you don't believe in
Let harm come to such an angel

Whipped the world into your shape
You're the fucking queen
Kneeling beside your corrupt king
The dead whore under her bastard king

You're hand smite those below you
Without thought or reason
Locked that soul away and let it sleep forever
Let that bastard take that beautiful body

You're pale frozen hand touch my face
And I wish to destroy the undead
Puppet, you're dead
Haunt me no more, whore

Bow down to your bastard king
Hope he chokes on the broken string
That once pulled down an angel and tore

She's just a dead whore.
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