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Raindrop · 09-04-2006, 03:56 PM

thanx for all the comments! this piece needs work...please critique! it would be highly appreciated!

Petals

I love you...
I love you not.
Too bad this damaged flower
Can't be trusted for the truth.
But something tells me it just might give
A better answer to my question
Than my drifting mind could ever offer.

Do you love me
Or love me not?
The way you reach out for my hand
Makes me want to believe the former,
But would you have enough strength to hold me
Should I choose to close my fingers around yours?

You want me.
Yet, you want me not.
In shadowed corners, you freely shower me
With rainclouds overflowing with endearment,
So, why is it that, when I step towards the light,
You remain where you are, not ready to follow?

Is it yes
Or is it no?
Why can't you breathe the truth into me?
Don't come a step closer if you are unsure,
But if this is what you desire,
Then say the words that will make me yours.

This rose is quickly running out of petals.

Return To Chaos · 09-04-2006, 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raindrop

thanx for all the comments! this piece needs work...please critique! it would be highly appreciated!

Petals

I love you...
I love you not.
Too bad this damaged flower
Can't be trusted for the truth.
But something tells me it just might give
A better answer to my question
Than my drifting mind could ever offer.

Do you love me
Or love me not?
The way you reach out for my hand
Makes me want to believe the former,
But would you have enough strength to hold me
Should I choose to close my fingers around yours?

You want me.
Yet, you want me not.
In shadowed corners, you freely shower me
With rainclouds overflowing with endearment,
So, why is it that, when I step towards the light,
You remain where you are, not ready to follow?

Is it yes
Or is it no?
Why can't you breathe the truth into me?
Don't come a step closer if you are unsure,
But if this is what you desire,
Then say the words that will make me yours.

This rose is quickly running out of petals.

All of your stuff is great, but this one is my favourite! I like how the narrator was questioning their love's love for them. And the last line is awesome too! It's a perfect one-liner that ends the poem beautifully. I look forward to seeing more from you soon. <3

Violette · 09-05-2006, 03:04 PM

I agree w/ Nicole (Return to Chaos). This piece is lovely the way it is now! I like how you used that old idea of picking off the petals and saying "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me,..." and so on. That really helps to shape the piece; and the fact that you repeat it a couple more times gives it that uniformity that a poem needs. And the second stanza is perfect. I love the question you ask at the end of that stanza!

One itsy bitsy suggestion: It's probably just a typo, but regarding these two lines...

Too bad this damaged flower
Can't be trusted for the truth.

Maybe just change the "for" to "with", so the line reads as "Can't be trusted with the truth". But it's up to you.

Raindrop · 09-09-2006, 07:05 PM

thanx for the comments!

Svetlana-S.V.D. · 09-15-2006, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raindrop

Dream...Come True??

I had a dream about you last night.
It made me smile
And sigh
When I woke up.

We walked around in each other's arms,
Conversing about our everyday lives
While our faces gently brushed together.

It seemed so strangely real to my unconcious mind;
I was shocked when I woke up
And realized that our precious moments
Were just figments of my imagination.

Though I wish to be grateful for the time we shared
In the midst of a nighttime illusion,
A question brings a slight frown to my face:

Can a sleeping fantasy be true,
Or are these feelings I have for you

Only a dream?

I love your works... such a great imagination... it's very gentle... as for me...

and I love this piece very much... I really can feel here this sensation of wondering and dreaming!

Raindrop · 09-16-2006, 02:08 PM

thanx so much for reading!

09-05-2006, 03:04 PM	#13 (permalink)
Violette Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Away from EvBoard for a while... I'll be back at some point wink Age: 24 Posts: 800 Points: 1,033.21 Bank: 793.40 Total Points: 1,826.61 Donate	I agree w/ Nicole (Return to Chaos). This piece is lovely the way it is now! I like how you used that old idea of picking off the petals and saying "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me,..." and so on. That really helps to shape the piece; and the fact that you repeat it a couple more times gives it that uniformity that a poem needs. And the second stanza is perfect. I love the question you ask at the end of that stanza! One itsy bitsy suggestion: It's probably just a typo, but regarding these two lines... Too bad this damaged flower Can't be trusted for the truth. Maybe just change the "for" to "with", so the line reads as "Can't be trusted with the truth". But it's up to you. __________________ Come join!

09-09-2006, 07:05 PM	#14 (permalink)
Raindrop Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Points: 244.94 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 244.94 Donate	thanx for the comments! __________________ forgive me for whatever I just said...

09-16-2006, 02:08 PM	#16 (permalink)
Raindrop Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Points: 244.94 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 244.94 Donate	thanx so much for reading! __________________ forgive me for whatever I just said...

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09-04-2006, 03:56 PM	#11 (permalink)
Raindrop Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Points: 244.94 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 244.94 Donate	thanx for all the comments! this piece needs work...please critique! it would be highly appreciated! Petals I love you... I love you not. Too bad this damaged flower Can't be trusted for the truth. But something tells me it just might give A better answer to my question Than my drifting mind could ever offer. Do you love me Or love me not? The way you reach out for my hand Makes me want to believe the former, But would you have enough strength to hold me Should I choose to close my fingers around yours? You want me. Yet, you want me not. In shadowed corners, you freely shower me With rainclouds overflowing with endearment, So, why is it that, when I step towards the light, You remain where you are, not ready to follow? Is it yes Or is it no? Why can't you breathe the truth into me? Don't come a step closer if you are unsure, But if this is what you desire, Then say the words that will make me yours. This rose is quickly running out of petals.

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