Let me explain this to you: I suffer from both Major Depression and Bipolar Depression. And for me, Depression is like a big deep ocean. It comes in waves. First, I feel extremely sad and worthless. I don't sleep anymore, I just sit in my bed and stare at the wall. This is what I usually do in my free time after school aswell. FUN. I'm so empty, I'll do anything just to feel SOMETHING...All I can see is the negative. I have no motivation, for either things I used to love, like my art, or to interact with other people. Then I stop talking to other people, then everyone else starts thinking I'm weird and cold, and then I feel lonely, and it starts over again. When it gets deeper into the depression, that's when the mania will start. My adrenaline will rush through me all at once, and I'll have a HUGE surge of energy, that I have to let out. Everything will start moving extremely fast, and sometimes I actually can't see anything, everything is sortof pastelly and blurred out of focus, but like its being played in fast forward at the same time. I will start having an anxiety attack, and all my thoughts will start running into eachother in a huge jumbled mess, like I'm thinking more than one thing at a time, and one thought will start playing over and over again in my mind, or my thoughts will leave an echo in my head, giving me a headache. I will feel like I HAVE to move, but then I will also feel this huge weight upon me, like something is pinning me down. I will sometimes go into convulsions when this happens, thrashing out and ripping out my hair. Thank got I haven't had an anxiety attack this bad at school. YET. I will start pacing around my room, and I will often have the need for extremely loud music. Which will then have my mom or stepdad start a fight w/ me, which will result in alot of screaming and will strangely actually calm me down. I'm totally frantic when suffering from a mania attack, and I will usually feel the need to destroy something, either cut myself or smash or throw something. I've had to stop myself multiple times from punching a whole in my wall/window. After the mania I will have extreme lows. I will go back into the depression, and I will just fall over and start crying for 2 hours, usually wearing myself into sleep. In the depression after the mania, I feel totally numb. I can't feel anything, then pain, then numb, then pain... During these times I think about people I miss alot, I miss them so much, and maybe thats why I'm depressed....I dont know....I just don't know anymore. I have no idea what makes me depressed. It's everthing. It's Nothing.
But let me explain, my Mom knows I'm depressed. I've told her multiple times that I want medication or some form of help. But she doesn't seem to take me seriously, she just says "oh ya, we will sometime" or "its not that important" and please dont tell me to try to talk with her, because I hate her, and she truly doesn't care about me. I'm very scared about going to a doctor, becuase I find it hard to talk to people in person about this. Plus my doctors not a very good doctor...I also don't really want to do counseling, because I've had counseling for other things, and it hasn't helped, because frankly, I think alot of the counselors I've had(and probably many I haven't) don't actually care, or don't think my problems are very important. But I'm desperate, I need someone there for me.
Help me, please.

__________________
INSANITY IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INSANITY!!!

I can realy relate! i've been in and out of depression for months now. somtimes its worse than others. i've often thought i was manic depressive for. several reasons not just the depresion issues. i've looked into it and theres a level 2 manic depresion. which is less severe than the likes of steven fry. which is why i havent tried to kill myself. and dont want to realy. no matter how depressed i get i dont think about killing myself. yeah i literaly lose the will to live and id die just to stop the mental and emotional pain! not helping to much am i?

__________________
You should have learned by now. I'l burn this whole world down

If you really want to help yourself, you don't sound very willing to do so, besides crying out for attention. "I 'need' help, but I don't want to go to a doctor, don't want to go to counselling, don't want to talk to my parents..." well then what do you expect anyone to say? All the treatments for severe depression require a form of counselling (sometimes coupled) with medication. But if you don't want to talk to anyone that can help you, then you're not going to get help.

It just sounds to me like you want attention and you want people to care for you and fall all over you for your approval. Because this is either a ploy for attention (and possibly fake) or you really want help... and you can see how easily I feel like dismissing the idea that you actually want to be helped since you took the time to spell out all the things you're NOT willing to do to get help. I'm sorry, but if you really wanted help, you'd tell someone that could help you... you'd want to go to counselling, you'd want to talk to your doctor.

If you do want help, then you need to talk to someone about it. If you can't talk to your mom, talk to a counselor at school and see what they recommend. It's not going to go away on its own and you're not going to be able to will it away, so you need to get over whatever unwillingness you have to be counselled.

I just personally take offense to your attitude, because you do come off as condescending about the condition and to other people when you claim to have this serious problem and then go on to say "but don't tell me this, or this, or this, because I don't want that." You don't get to choose how you get better. You choose to either get better or not... and if you've chosen NOT to get better, then you wouldn't be here posting about it.

__________________

Jane, I understand that I sound totally ridiculous and I can see from your point of view. I'm not making any of this up and I do want to get better. It's not that I don't want help, I think it's that I'm a little scared and wary of other people. All the things I mentioned I have tried before, and no one has really bothered to help me. I've told my mom and other family members before but they just shrug it off and say its not that important, and there's no counselors at my school. My friends also aren't very supportive, and they tend to get mad at me when I look to them for support, and usually just ignore the subject completely, even when I'm not nessasarily looking for them to do something, but just to listen to me. I would go to the doctor, but since my mom won't do anything to get an appointment for me thats kind of hard isn't it? I'm just waiting, I guess.

__________________
INSANITY IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INSANITY!!!

1-800-448-3000.

This is a good example of why these hotlines exist. It's for people like you that feel trapped by your situation and hopeless. There are counselors that will talk to you and advise you of what to do... and they can deal with any number of situations ranging from suicide prevention, abuse, school trouble, and depression.

If you've been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder, I find it very strange that your mom is unwilling to get you help and that your doctor hasn't prescribed you medicine for your conditions... they are quite serious. And remember that treatment is different for each individual. Some medicines don't work for everyone, people respond differently to counselors/therapy... you have to find what works for you. You can't just let a few bad experiences set you off from the entire thing; that's bad judgement. There is help out there, you just have to be proactive and realize that your desire to get better should overrule your fears of small setbacks like that.

__________________

what jane says is right-

and to that im going to add medication is not the only option and you cannot take a pill or 2 or 3 to make you feel better and control your depression. medication is only part of the way to control and manage your depression counselling and family support is another part to managing it. there is no miracle cure.
talk to you mum if you cant tell her what you originally typed print it out for her. the same applies to your doctor or find a new doctor who you will comfortable with.
take some small steps and the bigger ones will eventually seem easier

__________________

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither while they pass

They slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of

Joy are drifting thorough my open mind

Thanks you guys, I appreciate your advice and I will try out what you have said. I think I should try to maybe sit down with my mom and have a long talk with her, make sure she actually pays attention and realizes how serious it is. I think it is time to get over my fears and not stay so stuck on them.

__________________
INSANITY IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INSANITY!!!

I really do understand what you're feeling and your thoughts about getting help. It can be hard when people just don't seem to care or understand. What you said was right: You should have a long talk with your mom and make sure she really knows that you need help. And I hope I'm not out of line when I say that it sounds like your mom ought to see a therapist, too. A highly effective technique in treating teens with emotional disorders is family therapy, along with other types of individual therapy (I'm a psychology major, can you tell? ). A lot of people really think that it's just about the individual who is having the problems, when really it is often times the family unit as a whole, among other things. Helping to better the family communication and environment can make a world of difference. I really think that it's important for you to get a good therapist to help you get better. I know that a lot of times counselors will sort of shrug your problems off as "teenage angst" or whatever, not treating it as something that needs to be dealt with, and that's just not fair. Maybe you should talk to your school counselor about what kinds of resources are in your area, outside of school, that can help you. Maybe that will get you the treatment you need. Also, I know that you like to write, I don't know if you do this, but I've heard that keeping a journal of your feelings, or writing letters to people (like your mom) can really help. Also, one thing to do when you are feeling depressed (I know that this can be painfully hard sometimes) is to just get out and do something. Whether it's with friends, or just going for a walk in the sun by yourself (I prefer the latter), It will help.

Keep your head up, remember that you can get better, and stay strong. Good luck!!

Thank you SO much AmongTheAshes, your advice is brilliant You are awesome<3

__________________
INSANITY IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INSANITY!!!

After reading all that, I have to ask - who diagnosed you with "bipolar depression" and "major depression"? Did you see a doctor? Because I'm sorry, if you've seen a doc and he formally diagnosed you with Bipolar Disorder, then chances are good he also ordered you to take lithium or some other mood stabilizer, which requires constant medical maintenence.

I recognize that you're a little on the young side, but let me offer this bit of advice - Bipolar Disorder is the psychomedical condition du jour, everyone either has it or knows someone who has it... yet a great majority of these people are self-diagnosing. This is more common than people think, especially among youngsters.

If you do suspect you suffer from Bipolar disorder, than you MUST go see a medical professional and be diagnosed. There is no other way to manage the disorder. I'm not a doctor, but I speak from experience, as my wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her teens. After almost fifteen years of mood stabilization treatments and counseling, she has learned how to manage her moods (for the most part) and is not on any medication today. In fact today she's a registered nurse and one of the most rock-solid stable people I know. I sometimes question whether she was bipolar at all or a victim of expedient medical care, but either way, she has gotten her life on track. The point here is that whatever gear was slipping in her psyche, she couldn't fix it alone and had to get help from professionals, which is what you need to do. People can empathise and commiserate with you all day, but the bottom line is that if you don't seek help, you're not going to get it... the doctors aren't going to come to you.

At a bare minimum, go to the counselor or nurse at your school and talk to them about this. Tell them everything, the violent episodes, the urge to cut... everything. Chances are good that you're going to have to go for some kind of evaluation, but in the long run, that is the only way you're going to overcome this. Too many people either self-diagnose and don't seek treatment, using their own diagnosis as a blank-check excuse to act out or be anti-social, or they fear the system and don't want to undergo an evaluation and short-term commitment. You have to weigh the difference, though... what is preferable, spending a few days in a treatment facility getting yourself straight or spending the rest of your life mentally torturing yourself?

__________________