Alright, I haven't read your whole thread, but you have some very good ideas... but I get the feeling that you don't really know why you're putting linebreaks where you are. If you don't mind, I'm gonna re-arrange your poem a little bit to see if I can give it a little more flow than what you had.

Breathe Again

I've cried out so many demons, that I wonder
why they still attack me from inside...
But I'm stabbed
with the realization that my tears are just
my spirit's way of fleeing from my body,

[fade]trying to escape[/fade]

the torture chamber of my mind...
...and in this time I'm cleansed,
washed of all this dirt,
clear-sighted once more.
So although a monster hurts me,
somewhere deep within...

If only for this moment,
I can breathe again...

Can you see the difference? I'm not saying that the way I have it done is perfect or even the "right" way, but you get the idea. I'm just trying to demonstrate how much you can affect the meaning and depth of a poem by where you place your linebreaks.

Hey, it's about time someone is offering some criticism on my stuff!*hehe*

Thank you for taking the time to do that, and it does sound better to me when I read it...sometimes I do have trouble with line breaks (I know I did in "Nightmare")...but a lot of times I break them at weird points to purposely not make it flow easily...don't ask me why I do that, I think it's just because...well, when I am writing poetry, I accord the lines to how I feel...how I feel in general, and how I feel about the subject. In "Nightmare" I think I went overboard...but that subject just makes me feel jagged...broken...and I guess that's just how it turned out.

But I do want it to sound good, too...and this sounds like something else I need to work on, something else to break through, like the chain I had around me a few years back...only then it was just too much unecessary rhyming. Now, it's line breaks! Hehe.

__________________
could make me love you less...

It's great that you deviate from the "norm" when you write to add emphasis - what you have to be careful of is being unable to meet the norm. You can only break the rules once you can follow them . Another thing to watch out for is overuse - if everything is jagged and broken, then everything is jagged and broken... but if everything is fluid except for the one part that you really want to emphasize, that part will hit me a lot harder.

I think that I can follow the "rules"...I just don't really feel comfortable with them...my old writing was full of complete lines, I never broke any of them, and then...I really don't know what happened, I think when I stopped rhyming everything I stopped proper flow, as well.

But I don't like to think of flow as a rule. I don't like to think of poetry having rules at all...I just write what I am feeling, and there is no rules for that...but I understand what you mean about what you said last, about making everything fluid except the one part I want to emphasize. That does sound like a good idea, and I will keep that in mind.

Thanks for all the advice, EJ...*hugs*

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could make me love you less...

A Choice...



All alone and
bleeding, dangling

above an abyss

of which the only escape to solid ground
is through a field
of fire.

I gazed up to the clouds
that held my fear,
reflected my sorrow,
when raindrops full of
promise, hope and dreams
f e l l into my eyes...
my case of flesh and blood reminded
of the soul
that lies inside.

:shock: Wow...
You are an amazing writer.

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(Avoid falling down.)
-The League of Bewildered Poets and Philosophers-

:shock: :shock: spechless!! i agree with imaginary

Steph,

Don't stop putting these here. Your poems are not crap. They are you, your soul what you feel. Like you said, you can take something so horrible and turn it into something beautiful. I know you can. Please don't throw up that hypocrite stuff. Steph, I love your poetry, it hit home so much and I know you know that. I read these and it gives me strength. I read these and they help to give me hope. You have a gift to express your feelings in this way. I love you steph. Please continue to express your self.
I started a poem's thread but then I stoped, they to me were to personal and hurt so much. You have had the courage to post these and share with all these people, to share with me. Thanks to you just yesterday I decided to post the rest of my poems. You have helped me to over come my fear.When you share your thoughts with someone like you have with me... I will never forget you. I will always keep you in my heart and pray for you daily. You have become like a best friend. A best friend, a sister. Sisters and best friends have to stick together. We go through things together, we laugh and cry together. Please since I know what your going through, let me go through it with you. I love you steph.

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whisper softly...omg reading that made me cry...... silverchide, listen to her your stuff is awesome.. you have a real friend there!!!!

[fade]Falling Stars[/fade]




Falling stars,
take me away from here,
for I can't handle this alone.
Rescue me
from this barren world,
of which I stand on the edge
of a tempting cliff.
Pull me back,
keep me from jumping,
for I do not want the end...
nor do I want to simply breathe.
I just want to live again.

But when I cut,
I bleed...
and I see in your heart (too late)
that now you are bleeding, too.

Tears falling
upon open wounds,
to cleanse...
the salty water
is so painful,
but that's how healing is.

Death I do not want,
nor becoming numb just to make it
through this life.
However much I crave to send myself
into eternal rest,
I cannot send you, too...
because I know,
actions I take upon me
surface
upon you...
whatever I do unto myself, then
to you
it is undone.

Instead,
I make the choice...
to stand tall,
to watch falling stars
streak their light,
hope and strength
(qualities they never knew
they had)
across the sky above me...
knowing that I'm not alone,
that you are safe
and watching
with me.