butterflygurl

Well here's some of my stuff, feel free to comment(just don't be too mean, I'm sensitive *tear*)

"Forgotten"
You leave me out of everything
I tried so hard to be
A part of your life's memory
But you don't remember me.

I'm forever forgotten
From a past of strife
Just a dim shadow of a life
That could have been.

I've become like a ghost
That still haunts you the most
But you go on without a care
Like our love was never there.

I'm forever forgotten
From a past of strife
Just a dim shadow of a life
That could have been.

I was broken into uncountable pieces
A flood of tears that never ceases
Which has ended in a requiem
Of what never should have been.

Codger

I really like it

Is my favorite part.

alone_i_break

i like it. the repetition is catchy and makes the poem flow well. good job

Cherubic_Imp

VERY good! Excellent use of the English language!

If you have more, post 'em! This is just incredible.

sweetwater

great song...the last verse in my favourite.

Kittencat

*gasp* wow. and you said people would critisize. that is excellent. pure and flowing. check my songs, not as good, but yeah! good job, keep it up!!!! you play music? you could be good at it.

butterflygurl

Thanks guys! I play the clarinet and thats not exactly good for a rock band, but I can also play the guitar and piano a little bit. Here's another one:

"Censored"
In my silly high school
I always try to act cool
But I always feel out of place
Like my individuality is erased.

Can't say what I feel
Can't be who I really am
Can't be true to you
I'm freaking censored.

I'm imprisoned by my uniform
Fed images that make me conform
Held together by a six-inch rule
"No holding hands at school!"

Can't say what I feel
Can't be who I really am
Can't be true to you
I'm freaking censored.

I want to say what I feel
I want to be who I really am
I want to be true to you
But I'm freaking censored.

Mal

the whole rhyming thing is reminiscent of second grade poetry. and your use of the word "freaking" really makes me wonder how angst filled you are. afraid of the big bad fuck word? i understand that the poem is about censorship but i think that f***ing would be a better choice.

butterflygurl

Yeah well it's not the most mature one I've written, (lol it's also one of the happiest...). I'm not afraid of using the word fuck, but it's supposed to be about being censored, thats why I used freaking. Anyway if I use too many curse words it'll remind me of a Limp Biskit song. Here's a not-so rhyming one(But it still rhymes occasionally).

"Shatter"
What do I mean to you?
Am I just there all alone?
Feeling unfocused and out of place
All unintentionally.

If you still love her, tell me
So I can rise up from my pain
Forget you and still gain
My life and self back.

I feel indignation burn inside
Why must you torture me with lies?
Is this torture ever going to end?
Shatter it all and start again!

If you still love her, tell me
So I can rise up from my pain
Forget you and still gain
My life and self back.

I gather the remains of my wreck
Determined to forget and start fresh
I've lost you and gained myself
That's all that really matters.

GirlWithAMic

I wasn't crazy about the first poem, but I liked the second one. I'm sure many of us can relate to that. But, as someone else mentioned, the AABB rhyme scheme gets old fast and sounds kind of juvenile. Fixing that a little would only improve your work.