Hey i really need ppl to comment on my poems or i don't know wat to call them cuz i dun think they r categorise as poem...

Ok. So i've been writing for a few years now and i don't let anyone ever read them cuz they're all really personal. Plus i'm embarassed if someone thinks its real bad and lousy. But i thought i really need ppl's comment on my work so that i can do better. i really want to know wat ppl think of my stuff so pls feel free to criticise. Whether u think it's childish or student-ish or stupid or nice or awful or whatever it is pls comment on them.

I've got quite a number in my collection but i'll post this one. If u read u'll understand the story. After i wrote this i really understood the meaning in the song Hello by Ev. but this is not based on it. None of my poems are based on any Ev songs. So here it is



The day went by like usual
Everything seemed to be so normal
I’ll give you the date I’ll remember
9 September 2004, a day to remember

At around 7pm I didn’t see the time
Want to go back to my house on time
At the junction where I still live
I saw an accident I don’t know if I want to forget

A timber truck hit a van, I later know
My friends were trapped at that time I didn’t saw
Thursday’s tuition’s over, went back home and got a call
My best friend’s in the hospital, one was gone…

I broke down and cried
Never expected this to happen in my life
I wanted to scream and shout
I tried but numbness caught my mouth

The one gone was Farah Ayu
Later I know another Farah left too
At the hospital Emily laid on the bed
She was conscious but lost her sane

It wasn’t until tomorrow that they told me she was okay
Just had her operation done on her right leg
On the very same day I found out
Farah was the jolly girl who had a beautiful smile

When my friends told me to take it easy
I wanted to cry but held my feelings
They just don’t see the whole picture
Two girls died, that’s a large enough number

I had once been in the van with them
I’ll always treasure the memories in that van
They’re like a big family together
Now they’d parted, two left the others

Nine was in the van
Now only left seven
I prayed hard to God to safe the others
Never take another friend from me, God
Because I never want to experience the pain anymore…

that's so raw...and i'm so sorry you lost your 2 friends...thans for sharing with us.

I'm sorry about that.....The poems is really good, it has lot's of feelings in it.
Thanks for sharing that. I hope everythings ok with your other friends.

nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry about ur friends

hey,
your poem is really good. i give you credit for having guts to post them. xx

That's very touching because of the raw emotions that are so clear and defined... the english is not perfect, but it adds to the impact.

Very well done.. and i am sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

Take care
Sarineh x

Thanks guys! my other frens are ok. about my english, blame me for originating from a country that doesn't emphasize much on english until recently.

i'll post another one here.This is much shorter. i did this during my exam in school.the last sentence i kinda took it from Ev's song. it's about suicide.i dunno if there's any grammer mistake.


Embrace on my pain
Say that you will end
This misery of mine
With a strangling line

Embrace on my soul
Say that you will go
Pick up my dead body
Bury it in the cemetry

Embrace on our love
After it begun
And now what is left
I will love you even in death

__________________
..... www.brokensilencenz.com .....