When You Look At Me, What Do You See? - EvBoard

**Eyes_of_lonliness** · 07-27-2004, 08:28 PM

it's been A LONG time since i posted something on this site~!

anywhoo...

i posted about how i wanted you to check out some of my poems at allpoetry.com but it didnt show up on the thread list.

either way i forgot to include the link

lol
heres the link: http://allpoetry.com/poets/midnight%20fairy

so i'd really like it if you guys checked out my stuff and give me ur comments. you cann leave then here, there, or email me at Midnight_fairy_07@yahoo.com. I'd like honest comments also! and criticism if needed!

**Eyes_of_lonliness**

xNyteElfx · 07-28-2004, 01:59 PM

I've only read a couple but I like the idea behind them and the messages. They could possibly use a little more organizing and rhythm though. Some of the lines don't sit well with the syllables in the other lines. Good job though.

Apryl · 07-28-2004, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xNyteElfx

I've only read a couple but I like the idea behind them and the messages. They could possibly use a little more organizing and rhythm though. Some of the lines don't sit well with the syllables in the other lines. Good job though.

I agree with that...I love the story lines, but your syllable pattern is kind of off...try to make the lines about the same length and use more to join the ideas. Your a very talented writter though...and I love the purple roses on the main page.

**Eyes_of_lonliness** · 07-28-2004, 08:08 PM

hey you guys! thank you very much for checking them out and replying!

And thank you very much for your opinion on my poems!

**Eyes_of_lonliness** · 08-23-2004, 07:59 PM

I wrote this about my boyfriend (it seemsmost of my "happy" poems come when I am thinking of him)please R and R:

Whenever you are gone
I feel like I want to cry
I get to the point I miss you
Right after we say “Good-bye”

I wish I could hold on to you
And then never let you go
I hope this doesn’t come off as to much
Because I just want you to know

I want to spend my life with you
And I'll love you until I'm dead
I am pouring out my heart to you
Even after all the times it’s bled

You gave me your hand
Where I then placed my heart
You have the chance to destroy me
But I trust you not to tear me apart

Whenever I see you smile
It brightens up my day
And whenever I see you sad
It hurts because I don’t know what to say

Whenever I look into your eyes
I’m captivated by what I see
You could be with anyone else right now
But you’re not because you chose to be with me

So this is it, I’ve fallen in love
And there was nothing I could do
So this is it, I’ve fallen in love
I’ve fallen in love with you

(if anyone wants to read more...you can go to
www.AllPoetry.com/midnight fairy)

**Eyes_of_lonliness** · 08-24-2004, 01:54 AM

um, feedback is kinda of...wanted

robzombielover · 08-24-2004, 02:00 AM

I think's it's really good, I like it. I wish I had the talent to write something like that.

joanN 1fouR7 · 08-24-2004, 02:37 AM

omggg, that was mad good.. i feel the same exact way with my boyfriend. i wish i could write something like that though, your a really good writer. ill def check out the site =)

**Eyes_of_lonliness** · 08-24-2004, 01:57 PM

Hey you guys, i just wanted to say thank you for reading and replying!! im glad you liked it! thanks again!

diamondsky601 · 08-24-2004, 05:33 PM

Well, it's nice. It's not quite my type of poem, but it sounds like you have one hell of a guy!

IMO, you could use a bit of work on poetry-writing in general. There's nothing wrong with rhymes, but sometimes they come out sounding a bit sing-songy. Some people like that, so it's okay. I feel like it might bring out more emotion if you used a few images rather than plain feelings. Say how he makes you feel the way you do rather than just what you feel. What's different about this love that makes it so special to you, rather than someone else's love? That way, it'll be more special and original.

Good work though.

07-27-2004, 08:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
Eyes_of_lonliness n00blet Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Illinois Age: 19 Posts: 20 Points: 105.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 105.00 Donate	let me try this again it's been A LONG time since i posted something on this site~! anywhoo... i posted about how i wanted you to check out some of my poems at allpoetry.com but it didnt show up on the thread list. either way i forgot to include the link lol heres the link: http://allpoetry.com/poets/midnight%20fairy so i'd really like it if you guys checked out my stuff and give me ur comments. you cann leave then here, there, or email me at Midnight_fairy_07@yahoo.com. I'd like honest comments also! and criticism if needed! Eyes_of_lonliness

07-28-2004, 08:08 PM	#4 (permalink)
Eyes_of_lonliness n00blet Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Illinois Age: 19 Posts: 20 Points: 105.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 105.00 Donate	hey you guys! thank you very much for checking them out and replying! And thank you very much for your opinion on my poems! Last edited by Diamon : 11-01-2005 at 10:57 AM.

08-23-2004, 07:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
Eyes_of_lonliness n00blet Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Illinois Age: 19 Posts: 20 Points: 105.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 105.00 Donate	I've Fallen In Love I wrote this about my boyfriend (it seemsmost of my "happy" poems come when I am thinking of him)please R and R: Whenever you are gone I feel like I want to cry I get to the point I miss you Right after we say “Good-bye” I wish I could hold on to you And then never let you go I hope this doesn’t come off as to much Because I just want you to know I want to spend my life with you And I'll love you until I'm dead I am pouring out my heart to you Even after all the times it’s bled You gave me your hand Where I then placed my heart You have the chance to destroy me But I trust you not to tear me apart Whenever I see you smile It brightens up my day And whenever I see you sad It hurts because I don’t know what to say Whenever I look into your eyes I’m captivated by what I see You could be with anyone else right now But you’re not because you chose to be with me So this is it, I’ve fallen in love And there was nothing I could do So this is it, I’ve fallen in love I’ve fallen in love with you (if anyone wants to read more...you can go to www.AllPoetry.com/midnight fairy)

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07-28-2004, 01:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
xNyteElfx Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New York Posts: 39 Points: 106.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 106.00 Donate	I've only read a couple but I like the idea behind them and the messages. They could possibly use a little more organizing and rhythm though. Some of the lines don't sit well with the syllables in the other lines. Good job though.

08-24-2004, 01:54 AM	#6 (permalink)
Eyes_of_lonliness n00blet Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Illinois Age: 19 Posts: 20 Points: 105.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 105.00 Donate	um, feedback is kinda of...wanted

08-24-2004, 02:00 AM	#7 (permalink)
robzombielover Run, Rabbit, Run! Join Date: Mar 2004 Age: 23 Posts: 354 Points: 253.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 253.00 Donate	I think's it's really good, I like it. I wish I had the talent to write something like that.

08-24-2004, 02:37 AM	#8 (permalink)
joanN 1fouR7 n00blet Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: STATEN iSLAND, NY Posts: 23 Points: 108.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 108.00 Donate	omggg, that was mad good.. i feel the same exact way with my boyfriend. i wish i could write something like that though, your a really good writer. ill def check out the site =)

08-24-2004, 01:57 PM	#9 (permalink)
Eyes_of_lonliness n00blet Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Illinois Age: 19 Posts: 20 Points: 105.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 105.00 Donate	Hey you guys, i just wanted to say thank you for reading and replying!! im glad you liked it! thanks again!

08-24-2004, 05:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
diamondsky601 only SEMI-insane... Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Massachusetts Age: 18 Posts: 438 Points: 246.45 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 246.45 Donate	Well, it's nice. It's not quite my type of poem, but it sounds like you have one hell of a guy! IMO, you could use a bit of work on poetry-writing in general. There's nothing wrong with rhymes, but sometimes they come out sounding a bit sing-songy. Some people like that, so it's okay. I feel like it might bring out more emotion if you used a few images rather than plain feelings. Say how he makes you feel the way you do rather than just what you feel. What's different about this love that makes it so special to you, rather than someone else's love? That way, it'll be more special and original. Good work though.

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