With A Beating Heart - EvBoard

SomethingMORE · 05-03-2006, 10:24 PM

Deep in the darkness
I myself lie
Egrossed in the thoughts
That may just make me die

To feel unappreciated
To feel not good enough
To feel absolutely useless
To always hear "that's tough"

I bite my toung
Chew until it bleeds
Just to keep from telling you
About the thoughts that feed

Don't cry now
They'll see how weak you are
They'll see all the scabs
The deep dug-in scars

"Live life to the fullest
Before your spirit parts"
But see I'm just a rotting corpse
With a faintly beating heart

Deep in the darkness
Into a pit I drop
Waiting to hit the ground
Waiting for everything to stop

You're just like everyone else

I took a look
At who you've turned into
And I have to say
I'm finished with you.

You're not the same person
You're so much more
But not in a good way
You filthy stinking whore.

I'll never forget
The times we hung out
But now I don't want to deal with you
This is not what my life is about.

Get out of the way
I'm getting someone to take your place
I don't know why I kept pleading with you
You're my worst mistake.

Oh don't brood on it
You never did before
Just go ahead and face the facts
You're nothing but a whore.

I can't change the facts
And I finally realized
You changed to be like everyone else
That won't be my demise.

I'll stay the same
Be a freak of the school
You're gonna sleep with everyone
You are now the fool.

Sorry it's too late
I won't come back to you
You told me nothing of what you thought
There's nothing I can do

See this is what happens
When you lie since we've met
You lose a good friend
I'm not a fucking bet.

Critique if you'd like. Yea yea it's dark and that's basically all poems are today but it's one of my deeper ones.

Apryl · 05-07-2006, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Don't cry now
They'll see how weak you are
They'll see all the scabs
The deep dug-in scars

"Live life to the fullest
Before your spirit parts"
But see I'm just a rotting corpse
With a faintly beating heart

I really like that part. My only suggestion would be try and make it longer by using more description and stuff. You're very talented, and you seem to be creative.

SomethingMORE · 05-08-2006, 10:15 PM

Thanks. I'll see what I can do.

SomethingMORE · 05-17-2006, 03:53 PM

I've just updated the second poem recently. Added it rather. Tell me what you think.

aliciashadows · 05-17-2006, 05:32 PM

wow those are so awesome! keep up the good poetry

Apryl · 05-19-2006, 08:05 PM

Quote:

I don't know why I kept pleading with you
You're my worst mistake.

That's a good line. Other than that (no offense!) I'm not really a big fan of your poetry just because it's not exactly... deep. You sound like a pissed off teenager, and that's about it. Also, try making your lines longer, and not rhyming the last word of every line. That makes it sound weird.

You have really good ideas, and I know you could write something amazing.

05-03-2006, 10:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
SomethingMORE n00blet Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 4 Points: 351.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 351.00 Donate	With A Beating Heart Deep in the darkness I myself lie Egrossed in the thoughts That may just make me die To feel unappreciated To feel not good enough To feel absolutely useless To always hear "that's tough" I bite my toung Chew until it bleeds Just to keep from telling you About the thoughts that feed Don't cry now They'll see how weak you are They'll see all the scabs The deep dug-in scars "Live life to the fullest Before your spirit parts" But see I'm just a rotting corpse With a faintly beating heart Deep in the darkness Into a pit I drop Waiting to hit the ground Waiting for everything to stop You're just like everyone else I took a look At who you've turned into And I have to say I'm finished with you. You're not the same person You're so much more But not in a good way You filthy stinking whore. I'll never forget The times we hung out But now I don't want to deal with you This is not what my life is about. Get out of the way I'm getting someone to take your place I don't know why I kept pleading with you You're my worst mistake. Oh don't brood on it You never did before Just go ahead and face the facts You're nothing but a whore. I can't change the facts And I finally realized You changed to be like everyone else That won't be my demise. I'll stay the same Be a freak of the school You're gonna sleep with everyone You are now the fool. Sorry it's too late I won't come back to you You told me nothing of what you thought There's nothing I can do See this is what happens When you lie since we've met You lose a good friend I'm not a fucking bet. Critique if you'd like. Yea yea it's dark and that's basically all poems are today but it's one of my deeper ones. Last edited by SomethingMORE : 05-17-2006 at 03:52 PM.

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05-08-2006, 10:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
SomethingMORE n00blet Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 4 Points: 351.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 351.00 Donate	Thanks. I'll see what I can do.

05-17-2006, 03:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
SomethingMORE n00blet Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 4 Points: 351.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 351.00 Donate	I've just updated the second poem recently. Added it rather. Tell me what you think.

05-17-2006, 05:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
aliciashadows n00blet Join Date: May 2006 Location: London Posts: 7 Points: 367.36 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 367.36 Donate	wow those are so awesome! keep up the good poetry

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