writings of mine

bessy · 03-09-2008, 01:56 PM

I like very much your writing!
Excellent job!
Well done!

~river~ · 03-15-2008, 07:39 PM

i do not think this peice has much substance or is very creative instead it was more something i needed to write and get out of me

numb

staring straight into the sun
i wait
for the bright cold rays
to kill this numb

the ever present mist
around my heart
will i ever see clearly
the world in its shades
of glorly

in this ever present state
the clouds across my eyes
blind me to your beauty
the hope inside us all
escaped me
left me hollow

the mist came and swallowed me whole
numb
i stare straight into the sun

~river~ · 03-16-2008, 10:04 PM

i shut my eyes
a misguided attempt
to banish this sight
burnt deep within me

the knife in your hands
you struck deep
made me bleed
~
can you foretell
the truths
the patterns made in red
the heart of me

question me
broken words
shattered idealogies
cut as they fall

the knife in your hands
you struck deep
made me bleed
~
hard to imagine
i would crawl away
but i no longer want to play

seize the day
ice thin blade
i will cut you down to size
pieces falling from my halo
i am what you made me

Sleepwalkers Dream · 03-16-2008, 10:41 PM

That was very good, Shannon, I like that one a lot!

~river~ · 03-17-2008, 10:14 PM

thanks kylie

this is something new there and i don't know im trying something different with the style

Stand Strong

the small foot hit the ground
the little girl she stamps her feet
so to used to her own way

this time i will not
give in,
i shall not cave
to my spoilt and selfish child
the little voice within

her screams of anger
weaken my not so strong resolve
the adult i am
is not so mature
is no so used to saying no
to standing strong

split in two
the child i was with my own dreams
is fading, but not without a fight
each little cry, her tear stained face
i grow into myself
the adult me, is only new finding her own voice
im learning to stand strong

Shivercide · 03-18-2008, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~river~

numb

staring straight into the sun
i wait
for the bright cold rays
to kill this numb

the ever present mist
around my heart
will i ever see clearly
the world in its shades
of glorly

in this ever present state
the clouds across my eyes
blind me to your beauty
the hope inside us all
escaped me
left me hollow

the mist came and swallowed me whole
numb
i stare straight into the sun

It's funny you think this doesn't have much substance/creativity because when I read it I see the exact opposite. Along with that, I think it's one of my most favorites of yours. Especially this verse:

in this ever present state
the clouds across my eyes
blind me to your beauty
the hope inside us all
escaped me
left me hollow

I really, really love that one.

And the way the beginning and ending verses are reminiscent of a mirror effect makes it all the more interesting.

~river~ · 03-18-2008, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivercide

It's funny you think this doesn't have much substance/creativity because when I read it I see the exact opposite. Along with that, I think it's one of my most favorites of yours. Especially this verse:

And the way the beginning and ending verses are reminiscent of a mirror effect makes it all the more interesting.

a very big thanks steph, it really means a lot me

i don't know why but by ending them with a twisting on the begining or mirroring the start, it seems to complete it for me. in my mind it ties what im trying to say together pulls it all in.

Grey

lost within this mist
the damp darkness
never fading (never clearing)
the cold is seeping in
into every corner of my being
clinging tightly to my soul

dark dispair
clouding my vision
tomorrow's sun (tomorrow's promise)
to far away
to melt this frost
around my heart

cold unfeeling
made of ice
i will wander lost and dazed
unshed tears that just won't fall
smooth this world of soft grey

the ones before
like crystals fall
reflecting light
in my colourless (in this colourless)
hell

Shivercide · 03-18-2008, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~river~

i don't know why but by ending them with a twisting on the begining or mirroring the start, it seems to complete it for me. in my mind it ties what im trying to say together pulls it all in.

I know I've done it myself a few times, and I agree that it seems to give that feeling that it's tying off any possible loose ends. That is the main reason I do it sometimes, but when I see it in other's writings, it really jumps out at me. I think it really is an interesting way of writing.

Quote:

Grey

lost within this mist
the damp darkness
never fading (never clearing)
the cold is seeping in
into every corner of my being
clinging tightly to my soul

dark dispair
clouding my vision
tomorrow's sun (tomorrow's promise)
to far away
to melt this frost
around my heart

cold unfeeling
made of ice
i will wander lost and dazed
unshed tears that just won't fall
smooth this world of soft grey

the ones before
like crystals fall
reflecting light
in my colourless (in this colourless)
hell

This one has a sense of rhythm that fits it very well...almost sounding like it's rhyming, but it's really not. Which is just wonderful. I especially love the ending...following the images it gives off, the abruptness of the last word really fits it perfectly I think.

~river~ · 03-20-2008, 06:09 PM

another new one, the start of it came to me while waiting in the bank of all places and the rest just flowed slowly and easily a few days later

the smallest fragment

This is my secret
do you swear you can keep it?
i'll stitch your mouth shut
as you scream
you are worthy

tie this peices back
together
separate fragements
of a story half told
a tall tale
whispered lies, about who?

close your eyes
and count to ten
will we wish together
for this torment to end?

slip the blindfold over your eyes
you saw the shattered heart of me
the smallest fragment that still beats

ill stitch your mouth shut
this is my secret
scream you can keep it

Shivercide · 03-21-2008, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~river~

another new one, the start of it came to me while waiting in the bank of all places and the rest just flowed slowly and easily a few days later

the smallest fragment

This is my secret
do you swear you can keep it?
i'll stitch your mouth shut
as you scream
you are worthy

tie this peices back
together
separate fragements
of a story half told
a tall tale
whispered lies, about who?

close your eyes
and count to ten
will we wish together
for this torment to end?

slip the blindfold over your eyes
you saw the shattered heart of me
the smallest fragment that still beats

ill stitch your mouth shut
this is my secret
scream you can keep it

Yikes, this one gave me chills. *loves that*

Especially the last verse, and I really liked how everything leading up to it before that changed in rhythm. One verse sounds kind of jagged and choppy, and another seems to pick up pace with an easier flow - all of which seem to reflect off what's being stated.

The ending was just precise and very well-written.

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03-09-2008, 01:56 PM	writings of mine Post #21
bessy Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Greece Age: 25 Posts: 112 Points: 20,472.54 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 20,472.54 Donate	I like very much your writing! Excellent job! Well done!

03-15-2008, 07:39 PM	writings of mine Post #22
~river~ Lips Like Morphine Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tomorrowland Age: 25 Posts: 3,905 Points: 10,012,757.78 Bank: 1,000,201.57 Total Points: 11,012,959.35 Donate	i do not think this peice has much substance or is very creative instead it was more something i needed to write and get out of me numb staring straight into the sun i wait for the bright cold rays to kill this numb the ever present mist around my heart will i ever see clearly the world in its shades of glorly in this ever present state the clouds across my eyes blind me to your beauty the hope inside us all escaped me left me hollow the mist came and swallowed me whole numb i stare straight into the sun

03-16-2008, 10:04 PM	writings of mine Post #23
~river~ Lips Like Morphine Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tomorrowland Age: 25 Posts: 3,905 Points: 10,012,757.78 Bank: 1,000,201.57 Total Points: 11,012,959.35 Donate	i shut my eyes a misguided attempt to banish this sight burnt deep within me the knife in your hands you struck deep made me bleed ~ can you foretell the truths the patterns made in red the heart of me question me broken words shattered idealogies cut as they fall the knife in your hands you struck deep made me bleed ~ hard to imagine i would crawl away but i no longer want to play seize the day ice thin blade i will cut you down to size pieces falling from my halo i am what you made me

03-16-2008, 10:41 PM	writings of mine Post #24
Sleepwalkers Dream MacGyver: MAN CANDY Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: MacGyvers House Boat Age: 29 Posts: 11,817 Points: 1,017.47 Bank: 223,483,847,409.88 Total Points: 223,483,848,427.35 Donate	That was very good, Shannon, I like that one a lot!

03-17-2008, 10:14 PM	writings of mine Post #25
~river~ Lips Like Morphine Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tomorrowland Age: 25 Posts: 3,905 Points: 10,012,757.78 Bank: 1,000,201.57 Total Points: 11,012,959.35 Donate	thanks kylie this is something new there and i don't know im trying something different with the style Stand Strong the small foot hit the ground the little girl she stamps her feet so to used to her own way this time i will not give in, i shall not cave to my spoilt and selfish child the little voice within her screams of anger weaken my not so strong resolve the adult i am is not so mature is no so used to saying no to standing strong split in two the child i was with my own dreams is fading, but not without a fight each little cry, her tear stained face i grow into myself the adult me, is only new finding her own voice im learning to stand strong

03-20-2008, 06:09 PM	writings of mine Post #29
~river~ Lips Like Morphine Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tomorrowland Age: 25 Posts: 3,905 Points: 10,012,757.78 Bank: 1,000,201.57 Total Points: 11,012,959.35 Donate	another new one, the start of it came to me while waiting in the bank of all places and the rest just flowed slowly and easily a few days later the smallest fragment This is my secret do you swear you can keep it? i'll stitch your mouth shut as you scream you are worthy tie this peices back together separate fragements of a story half told a tall tale whispered lies, about who? close your eyes and count to ten will we wish together for this torment to end? slip the blindfold over your eyes you saw the shattered heart of me the smallest fragment that still beats ill stitch your mouth shut this is my secret scream you can keep it

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writings of mine

A place to share all of your original stories, songs, poems, lyrics, etc.

writings of mine